Chupsies Episodes

Im At My New Blog!!!! Come Check Me Out!

2011-06-24T06:42:00.000-07:00

Love Your Shape!!!!

Between going Gluten Free, actually dropping my extra weight. Working out with my friends Angela who is training for body buidling. And just over all being healthy. I finally feel great! I have been able to over come most of my fibromyalgia and cronic fatigue syndrome. I am working with amazing people to see and feel amazing physical results.

Its not about losing the weight to see the number change, its not about looking better to think better about yourself, it ALL about loving who you are to see what you want happen in your life.

Taking the time to better yourself and your health, your life around you will change!

Everything in my life has changed. I finally found the man of my dreams, who wants to get married and have kids, who loves me and my daughter. And I love him enough to finally say I want to get married and I also love his daughter as much as my own. I have created fantastic results within my business, and all of my relationships! I have brought love and joy to others so that they can see how important they are to me and to the people they love.

I absolutly love my blog still and will continue to maintain both. Just trying to find a balance.

My results in numbers are simple I am down to 140, I have 5 more lbs to go. I have revisted the idea of going down to 125, I feel that it would be unhealthy and I would be unhappy with it. So I am sticking with 135 :) Just the difference between 145 and 140 is HUGE! All my cloths are big on me, I am able to wear cloths from back in high school. Everyone keeps on telling me that I am shrinking.

Above all I feel fantasic about my body! I feel alive and well. I feel exhilarated and energetic. I have less stress and more flexability. I love how I feel! Most imporantly I want to share what I have gained these past few months with the world! I ask you to join me so that we can create a movement of people who through the power of love can change their lives for the better!

XOXO
Chupsie

Tuesday weigh in results

2011-04-05T10:31:00.000-07:00

like how could i not be excited! im down another solid lb. I'm currently 145!!! I have been working out consistently! Saturday was a wow kind of work out! I did lower body training with some fantastic people! I'm still soar!

Sunday we were walking around the city, yesturday me and my baby spent some great time playing at the park! I do have to own up that on Sunday when we went out I had breaded buffalo wings. And I ate them anyway. I have been suffering from that, but it was not as much of a set back as I had expected, although my neck has been hurting more than usual, so the side effects are there. I also have been slightly more tired, I am working on rectifying the problem and making sure that these set backs don't happen.

I can't wait for next week to see where I am!

Within the realm of meditation I have discovered my own limitations in being lazy. If I have modivation it will be done, if not some things just don't happen. Working on this is going to be key!

Meditation

2011-04-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

last night I had a few moments of meditation. As I meditated and became a whole person again, I sensed a need for calm. something I rarely get in my life. I knew and felt clarity in who I am and my being but not calm. The sense of chaos in my life has become overwhelming. Through weight loss I hope to find this calm that I seek. I will be meditating again tonight. It felt rejuvenating and empowering to look at myself and my ways through a different perspective.

weigh in results!

2011-03-30T05:52:00.000-07:00

so this past weekend I went down to 144.5, but am currently at 146! i am proud of my loss and am looking forward to another 3 lb loss this coming week
i did
30 min walk monday, saturday 12 hours outside on a physical challenge ropes course.
along with this past monday doing 2 hours of weight training with a great friend of mine.
this week, i will be returning to the gym on saturday, and going for a walk tomorrow and going to my gym for a cardio work out on sunday!

I have officially closed down new enrollment for LYS! the work starts today! im so excited about the possibilities!!!!

summer here we come!

weigh in tues!

2011-03-22T22:16:00.000-07:00

Wow so here we are with day 2 and weigh in day!

so my weight is 149.5! I went up slightly but feel the actual inches coming off!

I had one of my besties take a pic of me all dressed up! Ill just make sure to wear this for the first day of summer too! haha!

So my measurements are: (all in inches!)

thigh:25.5
waist:31
hips:42

Yesterday I went for a half hour walk with baby, I am starting in the right direction and will continue that way through our challenge!

Good night everyone!

today holds possibilites!!!

2011-03-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today my weighloss challenge starts!

WWW.loveyourshape.blogspots.com

I guess everyone has to put up without the fancy buttons cause Im blogging 98% of the time from my evo!

Yet Here is where I stand with my possibilities!!!!

I have gone Gluten free and am now aware of the fact I am allergic to tomatos, I have cut both out of my diet and I feel a million times better I am actively working on getting rid and healing myself from fibro!

I have taken the right step into making that step in acknowledging I have it and doing something about it!

So what is working for me is
a diet change
Working out with my daughter
Being careful of what I do when I workout not to get injured
And being consistent with my calorie counting!!!!

what has not been working for me is:
inconstancy, getting injured and not working out, eating too much, not taking my vitamins.

My goal for this challenge is going to be 125!!!!

Yes I am declaring 125!!!!
What does this mean working out at least 3 time a week! I will stop everything I am doing and take my daughter for a walk every day at 530 (except tues) ill be driving...( so it will be another time on those days... and I will stretch and meditate every day to keep my body in a positive healing state!

weight loss challenge is on!!!!

2011-03-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

WWW.loveyourshape.blogspot.com

I am happy to announce a great opportunity to do for u and your community it will be a charity event!

So log on find out about it and join me MONDAY!!!!!

I will be a participant using my own blog but contact me through love my shape for easier communication!!!!

2011-01-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've been trying so hard to stay on weight loss and I find myself constantly back to wher I was its not cool at all... staying focuses on anything at the moment seems impossible!!! I really don't know why... I'm so motivated to lose the weight and I feel even one lb up or down do drastically!!! I also havnt been having my fizzie tabs which do make a difference but I've just been dealing with pain so bad the past few days... I honesty hope that this pain is from the weather... its been very cold and I know my body is not used to it one bit. I'm having bad reactions to everything I try and do to make myself feel better too... and to compensate I am eating way too many sweets and having way too many crabs.

I still don't know which is worse the pain or the lack of motivation... I havnt been to the gym in 2 weeks and I feel it... I miss going to the gym. I miss a good workout and stretch. I have to look on netflix to see if they have work out videos! That would help during the nights.

Something has to change about my health. And soon. Next week I have my momentum advanced workshop!!!! It's something I have been looking forward to since Aug. The basic workshop changed my life. I know there is more that I need to fix and work on in my life. I'm also very scared to walk into that room I have no idea what to expect and have no idea what I will face....

I want and need drastic change in my life I need consistency and follow through. I also need to be more loving understanding and have more integrity in my life every day.

Exactly like my blog challenge. I did start my new blog but I have yet to efficiently get it up and running. I guess that is partially due to no more interest access at work. Yet, all in all there is no need for me to be such a slacker outside of work. I have a life to live goals and obligations to uphold and follow through on.

There are so many aspects of myself that I know I am avoiding and limiting my potential. I am determined to accept true change in my life for the first time. Accept and follow through with the actions set before me and make those changes permanent!!!

As for weight loss and my health this is an endeavor I have always worked towards. I will continue to do so! I admit that the efforts sometimes are so lax. But its the commitment to pick myself back up again. Re-evaluating the situation and working towards the same goal once more. Dusting off my pride and refocusing on the true meaning of follow through...

Last year this time I was 10lbs lighter it felt great! I know it did I enjoyed it and relished in it. Than somewhere I got lost and fell back to where I was. I am determined to follow through to 125. And the real goal and determining factor will be to stay there and be healthy doing it! Last year my goals were not weight loss. This year my goal is weight loss!

Last year I accomplished my new years resolution of slowing down and enjoying life more. Maybe because so much in my life had changed but I have many goals to focus on this year one being at my ideal weight. Sooner than expected and the ability to maintain it no matter what.

Where does this leave me? With a lot of work yet to be done! To a better week and a lot more blogging through the next 5 days of the rest of my life!

IDEA

2011-01-06T09:24:00.001-08:00

I want to do a spring weightloss challenge... anyone want to join in with me... I will be creating a whole separate blogger account... but I think it would be a great GET READY FOR THE SUMMER... kind of thing!
let me know what you all think!

Feelin great

2011-01-03T19:43:00.000-08:00

So new years eve and today I went to the gym! It feels great to be back there all the time. It really helps center me and relax me.. also to help get rid of my extra energy so that I can sleep better too... same for my daughter... she wasn't too bad leaving today. Which helped.

I have been enjoying the gym! I really have! I have so much on my plate its almost the last thing I Want to add but it makes me feel good about myself. Now I just need to start seeing results! I have been lookin at pics of myself lately and I feel I look horrible! And if people were to hear me say that they would get very upset at me. But I am just very unhappy with the way my body is right now. It is no one else's choice to make for me. I need to be and feel a certain way to enjoy the way I look.

Just while doing yoga today with the mirror I was embraced about my appearance... its such a bad feeling. I have no idea why its so hard but it just is. I need to shead all this excess and quickly. Just to feel comfortable in my cloths and in my skin. To be able to feel sexy again... I want to also start eating much less I know that working out allows me more ability to control my eating but I feel I am still eating in excess of what I need... its disturbing too. I feel sometimes I can't control it! I have no idea what comes over me. I know I love my food but honestly... there is no reason I should be eating the amout of food that I do.

I have been taking diligence to make sure that I take my green tea pills and my fizzy tabs and tryn to just eat a lil bit less every day... some days are better than others. I have to start cal counting again. It's just hard with my mom cooking instead of me. She also makes my tea every morning with way too much honey. It kills my cal count!!! She is also expecting me yo be a human garbage disposal.... Oy!

I will be doing whatever I can to cut down and reduce cal! I know i am getting there. It is slow but I am making great progreas for myself. I am proud and determined to continue with the gym. It's tremendous help! Wed I will be doing a lot of eclipse!

Ok I am off to bed right now I am Sooo damn tired!

Time for the new year!

2010-12-29T06:29:00.000-08:00

Wow I really dont know where to start. Last year my new years resolution was to stop and smell the roses. AKA to start living instead of my constant doing. A reflection of the past year. well yes I do believe that through out most of the year I have accomplished such a task. I know for sure there were periods in there that were very bleak. Some that I was only functioning to get by and other times just doing things and not being preset. Over all I feel as though through all the turmoil and change that has happened in my life I have thoroughly enjoyed 2010.I know that 2011 will be filled with more such turmoil and even greater changes. Within myself and the life around me. But this is what I truly want. Change, change till I find where I truly fit and want to be.

I have always loved who I am. Now I have to find that love grow for where I am. Not necessarily physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Finding that final resolve to enter into a domain of complete vulnerability. Letting go of each last shred of guilt and insecurities. Taking the right direction into being more than I have ever been. Stretching further than I ever have. Wielding the power and potential that I have closed off within me. I have made huge leaps, leaps of faith, leaps of understanding, leaps to let go of what once held me hostage.

Its been these steps in the right direction that have propelled my life forward. Helped me make changes, be able to understand and accept who I am, in the effort to better my self and my world. To be love, to be a mother for the first time and to be understanding and compassionate. Not for myself but for others, for the giving to give. Realizing that I can never have enough love and dedication to others, while still loving and giving to myself. I have an awesome ability to handle any onset. I have abandoned my ideology of the self and gained one of dedication.

I am breaking free from the box that I live my life within.There is no more comfort zone there is no more control. Putting myself out there with the dedication to the act of being what I want to be. Not to dedicate to the act of having. I have all I need. I have all I have ever wanted. I wanted love, I said it a thousand times, yet I forgot to look at my daughter. I wanted freedom, yet I forgot to look at my strong will. I wanted success, yet forgot to look at how far I have come. Everything has always been there. Everything has always had a place. I seek more out of my years, if I didn't there would be no need to continue living. Yet I am at peace. Peace to know what I wanted I have and what I seek is to build on what I already have.

Where does all this progress take me in 2011, A new type of freedom. A new type of destination. Freedom from a 14 year old, freedom from circumstances, freedom from fear. Mostly a destination of happiness and love. A destination of success in any and all endeavors small or large. Every step I take is to be filled with potential and power, strength and most importantly love and dedication. The integrity to move forward and keep moving. The integrity to have laser beam focus. The integrity of my word, for even the slightest things. The ability to let go of things that are not mine to judge or understand. The ability to be self sufficient, relying on my sole determination and self love. Yet at the same time loving those around me fully and accepting and understanding them.

Most importantly I CHOOSE to stop, before I look, stop, before I choose, and stop before I vote. The stops along the way will truly help me assess the situations around me. but I will be able to stop and absorb the love and give love while I make my choices in life. Stopping to listen to my heart, stopping to recognize what I am truly doing/saying/being. Am I being love? Am I being vulnerable? Am I being dedicated and compassionate?

I know that if I were to stop every time I made some sort of choice or decision and asked myself if I am being love?, or if I am being vulnerable and compassionate while being dedicated to my goals and beliefs, I can truly live a life of humble happiness!

For 2011, I truly feel that it is time to be more with less. There is so much chaos within material and emotional baggage I feel a huge purge is necessary. necessary for life and love! Letting go of what is unwanted and unneeded to be filled with more love and passion! Also within this is the dedication to stay on the right path, within weight loss, within being paperless, within being pure, safe and beneficial. I have taken these same steps before, I have lost my way recently. It is time that I learn the ways that my life is truly meant to be.

I am embracing this new year wholeheartedly! I wish you all the best for 2011!

weight

2010-12-27T13:26:00.000-08:00

So my weight is way up this holiday season! I am determined to make the change to get back on track. My weight is truly upsetting me. I am willing to go to the gym more for my overall health and as a new years resolution. There is so much that I want for this coming year. So much to change and work on. so much improvements. I am determined to make this year a very healthy one for me and my daughter. Also one of financial freedom and independence. These past 3 months have been nice but let me tell you its not easy. I plan on making major changes this year! and jan will just be the start! Going to the gym will only be a small part and it will also be a huge part! I plan to start ASAP also! I am not waiting for the new year to take action im not waiting for something else to come along. This month has been very very long. Everything has been thrown about and I know nothing will stop me from what I truly want!

I am off to be productive! I have been siting around all day today and yesterday due to the snow... NO MORE!

Off to BE BE BE!!!! I want to be WHOLE I want to be Passionate loving, caring and dedicated! I will be focused and have laser beam focus all along the way!

I love who I am and the life I choose to live... Now its time to take that choice and ride like the wind!!!!

XOXO everyone I hope you all had a fab holiday! I love you all!

OY

2010-12-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

The highs and lows come and go where they stop no one knows!
So my bestie lefts shit hit the fan.... and than life goes on... where does all this shit stop? Why do all good things have to be paired with a downer? well whatever it is.. right now im good!
My other bestie that lives in the UK happens to be coming back at the end of jan! OMG I am super excited! So yet again I will be busy with someone so important to me in my life... The only good thing about this friend is she is very independent has her own car and can make her own decisions I dont have to baby sit her! Which will be very nice!

Also Lets see... I have gained back any lost weight... just the way this past weekend went I was at a diner 2x in 12 hours.. than out to a bbq place for dinner... even though all the food was amazing... I need to do things differently... no more eating out! hell no more eating! I did start going to the gym the other day! I spent an hour and a half sweating my ass off! I enjoyed every second of it! I will also be going this afternoon!!!

As for xmas... I am not ready and I know im stressn because of it... but its ok... everything will work itself out in the end. I know it will... anyway... There isnt much else to say.
I will be starting my lifeboard tonight... And I will be doing alot more on here soon enough..

But for right now... no I will be busy busy busy... my life just keeps on gettin in the way. I will also be starting my custody battle after the new year! YAY what fun... not. I am keeping my head up everything will work itself out!

I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday! I will see everyone after the holidays! xoxo

2 steps forward 10 steps back!

2010-12-01T09:01:00.000-08:00

So I am all ready to get started with the gym today! got stuff I gotta get done. My business is BOOMING! and BAM! I get sick!

Perfect timing, not at all! every time I stand up I get delirious! I am feeling better but I feel like a balloon!!!! Uh I hate this feeling. So I am still thinking about going to the gym today. Maybe sweat this fever out. Although it did break because of the advil. I also feel very very soar and wiped out. But I don't want any of it to stop me!
My mom gave me a concoction this morning of apple cider vinegar/honey/cinnamon. It was so gross but it helped with my throat within an half hour! WOW!

So anyway! despite the horrible way I feel I know that I will keep being what I want. Nothing can stop me! Plus this weight has to go! no better time to get rid of it than now!

YAY! I did it!!!

2010-11-30T10:13:00.000-08:00

I singed my life away! HAHA!

I signed up for the gym yesterday!!!!

Please be happy for me! I am so excited to be going back! best part of all my baby LOVES the kids area!!!! she wouldn't leave and as soon as I put her down she RAN away from me! I know it will provide her with great exercise every day! She will have loads of fun and interaction with other kids... while momma gets her fitness on!!!! I actually start tomorrow!!!! YAY ME! unless I decide to go tonight after baby goes to sleep???

It so sounds like an idea! All I know is I'm extremely happy that I was able so shed the 4lbs that I gained from thanksgiving! Cause I was feeling very crappy this past weekend with all that extra weight. Although I was really bad last night. After writing the check for my gym membership... I finished off the bag of Salt and Vinegar chips I bought last week and forgot about! Great! hehe, its ok its almost TOM and I kind of needed it. Feeling a lil bloated but not too much thank god!

Over all I am in a much better mood! I had a wonderful thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving day was hell, Baby was soo bad! but after alot of sleep between thur night and fri. Sat and sun she was so pleasant and we really enjoyed ever second together! I know that when I am home I always feel centered. it is my place to be. I also know that after a while I need time out and to let lose. But I feel that being out too much I start to lose everything around me. Also with all this pent up frustration and stress going to the gym will wind up being my savior!

I'm also just in a being mood, I don't feel happy/sad/up/down... I just kind am being/living/doing. it feels very calming actually. I have a packed schedule starting tomorrow, and I am kind of just going through it and enjoying it.

I am off to live for the rest of the day! my busy days have almost become joyous to a point! I know it wont last forever. my weekend of solitude brings joy between my busyness!
LOVE TODAY TOMORROW AND YOURSELF!!! XOXOXOXO

Shifting my perspective

2010-11-24T06:47:00.000-08:00

So I am going to shift my perspective today. I have been really down for the past 4 days. I met up with a lovely lady named jen last night. Who happens to be a writer, and we both came to the same conculsion.
When we are not writing our world falls apart!

So why am I putting myself in that situation? Understandable I have been super busy at work but that is not an excuse for my mental health. I can not rely on other to vent to because I know I only get more worked up. I can always work through my own problems within my writings. I always feel better and have an outstanding day, because I put into perspective where I am, where I want to be, and What I am being to get where I want!

I know many times the things I say might not make too much sense to some but to others, I can demonstrate that being is a way of life. Being who I want to be to get what I want.

I love myself I love my life, its just some days I dont feel like being much. Granted these days will always happen. I will always have an off day or week. Mostly on those days I dont write. I need space and time to be myself. To be able to express myself for self understanding and acceptance. I dont blog for others. I never have. I love my blog community but we all know that I am a lone blogger. (haha that sounds so funny!)

Ok so anyway, where have I been in the past few weeks that brings me to this point. I have let go of the past I have moved on and in doing so sometimes I try to remember why I was there, should I go back to having those feelings or being that way? Than I think to myself no, cause it doesn't matter I have moved on! And in moving on I feel empty. Not because I have moved on unwillingly. I have let go of my past, and in that light hearted feeling. I kind of feel lost. My ways and perspective has changed into something else. And in that is where I feel lost. I have no reaction set to fall back on no known area to relate to.

and even though in the beginning the feeling was uplifting and powerful. Sometimes I feel like I used my past as a crutch. And in doing so now I only have myself to hold onto. Which is a wonderful ideology and way of being. Yet, since all of this is still new, my legs are shaky and have yet to find their stance. Along with the onslaught of crap constantly hitting me! I am overwhelmed and flying by the seat of my pants over here! My mind needs focus my life needs focus and I need order! I need to reset priorities and have an agenda that stays set in stone. A way of order within my chaos to calm me.

Now the question is what are my priorities: My daughter, my business, my family. After that is friends and going out or doing what I want. My dilemma, the more I'm out networking, the more my business can grow. Yet I've been spending the wrong focus when it comes to my business in networking. I have not been around the correct people. I need to reset where I am and what I am doing. There is time to just be with friends and there is time to be networking. These are two vastly different focuses. I need to understand this! And I need to lighten up on myself. I have been in a very bad habit of brow beating myself. The harsher I am on myself the worse things are going to be.

I am focusing on adjusting how I react and what my focus is. I have no crutch so its all up to me. My actions, decisions, focus, all of this is my choice! I have a choice! I can not let other influence me or persuade me in any sort of direction. I am different I am independent. I am strong in my beliefs, and most importantly I am loving in everything that I do. I have not shown much love to the people around me. I have been shielding and reserving it solely for my daughter. But there is no limit to love. I can share with everyone and never worry about not having enough for her. She is my world. But I am part of a world where love is lacking. Why can't I be the light in people's day, bring a smile to someone's face. The more I love the world around me the more my daughter will learn to love too. Especially in this hard transition for her. Understanding that love is limitless and that being vulnerable and open to what is around us can benefit her in ways that I can not. I am jaded I am already formed. Yes I can change but everyone can regress. My baby has the opportunity to start with love and only know a positive and happy world. I want to share that with her.

So shifting my perspective, I am going to stand on my own two feet in the name of love, in the name of vulnerability and acceptance. I am going to take strides in what I do. Set a clear intent to what I do. Focus on the journey as well as the outcome! And most importantly I am going to recommit to this every day! I might falter I might sway, yet knowing that I can get right back up and start over means it will be ok! What happen 20 min ago can not change what will happen 5 min from now. Its about being who I am and what I want to be within this moment. Not waiting for the moment to come or pass... but to embrace it.

I will embrace what I have and accept that I am powerful enough to take on any and all challenges. Nothing can hold me back and nothing should hold me back. Being strong not for myself but for the world of love around me!

And you want to know where I am going to start? IN THE GYM! I need to focus and refocus my energy of feeling better about myself along with being and sharing my love. I want to love myself and feel better about myself.. More than I already do! I am being more in tune with my body and how I feel. the past few days that emotionally I have been upset and withdrawn I have been in constant pain... These two things go hand in hand. They are not what I want and if I don't want them I have the choice to change it! I have a choice to live my life my way! I am making the changes to be what I want!

new pants

2010-11-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

I am thinking in another week im going to need new pants (well I have pants just switch to smaller ones) cause Im back down to 148!!! and my pants keep falling off!!!!! YAY!!!! thats all for right now. I am working towards getting back and getting ahead! making a difference and being the difference! last few days have been slumpsville but I feel great again and things are always looking up! Keeping my head up hight!

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Actuall "weightloss blog" post

2010-11-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

Today I am still 151, I am up from the 148 I was two weeks ago, but I was that low because I just wasn't eating. Problem is I am eating about 2000 or so cal a day! Now why? because that enables me to eat anything and everything my little heart desires! In there is the kicker! If I shed out a few cal oh 500 or so, I could start losing weight. Along with starting to work out I am set for a great way to really start getting back the body that I want! Now to just start to regulate myself. This has become very hard this week with being sick and being that TOM, everything feels like its up in the air.

You know when you just have those off days. Yea, its been an off week for me. But I am determined to BE much more conscious of what I am doing! I finally have fizzie tabs again. So I will have energy and feel much more alive! THANK GOD! my cfs has been really bad these past two weeks with the weather change. But I have been pushing past all of that. Things will be getting better, I know they will. I have to be what I want before getting what I want. And really staying focused on living for now and what I have in my life.

But tonight I am going to be doing major de-cluttering.. Thank god, I feel like it will clear my mind and help me refocus and take on a new page in my life. Losing weight! ALL AROUND! Losing the baggage and the love handles! hehehe! My goal by the end of the year is 140! that is just shy of 2 months and 10lbs. I can do that. I need to keep this weight off too. I think that's where the gym will sooo come in handy! I cant wait!!!!

My outlook is very positive I just need to stick with it! I want to stick with it. and I need to be consistant!

On the rocks

2010-11-03T09:13:00.000-07:00

What I feel odd is that me and my daughter sometimes feel like we are on the rocks... The split is hard enough, but me and her are always fighting now. Yes, she is two. I just get this vibe that she does not want to be with me. Other times we are fine, but its like an overwhelming feeling of hurt and resentment on her end. She gets me so worked up tho, and always pushes my last nerve. Problem is if I try to stay calm and just assert authority as her mother without yelling or getting mad she starts crying because she gets upset???? My mom is really helping to get through this, its just not easy at all. Although she did sleep most of the night in her new bed!!!

I am happy that she sort of likes her new bed. But I sometimes feel like I'm having a pissing contest with her father for who can do more and better to make her happier... Which is just not cool at all! I don't want her to favor one over the other. Or who gives her more, does more, whatever. But it is not easy. I was thinking to buy her the buzz and woody plush dolls, to add to her collection, but honestly I can get them for her for Christmas! I'm doing as best I can for her right now. She does not need material things to make her happy! I know it will be a tug a war, for quite a while but I refuse to give in!!!!! Most importantly I can't let it upset me! I need to be strong and keep myself whole to be there for her. I refuse to compare or be better than anyone else I will do my thing and that's it! Just remembering this will help tremendously!!!

As for me, because of this I feel myself slipping, I know its that time of month, I know that its the change in weather... but honestly! I am looking for improvement and change! Brighten up my surroundings!!! Give more love, more of myself and be vulnerable enough to show who I am! Currently I am also sick which isn't helping but I have to just put mind over matter and overcome that!

Weight loss wise I am apparently back to my old ways I eat everything and anything I want and just stay the same.. which is not where I want to be! I'm still getting my finances in order to start up my gym membership. I am excited about that! I have much to look forward to be where I want to be, and at least I know what I want! Which is so important. Sometimes I feel like I lose that, but I find it again in time. I also know that soon enough I will have it too! Getting through the hurdles are what I need to focus on right now.

Also this is an idea that I have been toying around with the past few days living minimally aka under 100 items. now I have though about getting rid of clutter bla bla bla, I am paperless for gods sakes! I don't know if the number really means much to me as more the idea. Living within my means, I have a washer/dryer why do I need 10000000 million/bazillion sock? do I need 50 different pj's? does my daughter need more cloths/shoes she is just going to grow out of? She has about a dozen stuffed animals at my house, I had a collection of over 300 stuffed animals( I got rid of those), did having them or not having them change things for me? DO I NEED ALL THIS EXTRA STUFF???

I feel like I need to do a major inventory, to really figure out what I need and dont need... Bags I have not touched? can i really part with them? what about shoes, I need new shoes can I get rid of old ones? Like my daughter only has 1 bowl and 3 plates and 2 sippy cups. That's ALL she needs... I need to go on a diet! Get rid of my excess baggage! for the past three years I did not accumulate anything new for myself. but being back at my parents I have stuff I left behind... I think its finally time to overcome more than just being paperless. Granted I will keep most of my bags, BUT do I NEED all of them? Can I get rid of 5 cheep bags and buy one good one? can I do that 10 times over? so I have 10 bags instead of 50? I have 4 pairs of boots, 1 I NEVER wear, 2 are ruined and the last one I wear almost every day. Can I get rid of the other 3? when I have the money buy the boots Ive wanted? but why hold on to 3 for no reason?

These are alot of questions for myself to face. I guess its hard to get rid of so much. But things need to change right? My business is growing, I have no inventory, why should I carry personal inventory of items I no longer need or use. Honestly, I prob will never be able to get rid of most of my cloths, but I could get rid of my maternity cloths, I could do with fewer socks, all my "crappy" shirts I can get rid of... There is alot of improvements I can make slowly... Even though this is coming all about at once. Seeing how this weekend I am going to be getting a storage unit for all my "stuff", Although Im not getting rid of my kitchen things and household linens. Along with decorations. Yet, there is much That I can do! That maybe... just maybe I can get a smaller unit! (cause god knows I cant keep on using my parents dining room as a storage bin).

well this is just whats going on in my life, maybe me and my daughter feel too cramped and its causing problems? who knows... but change is coming personally, professionally (well moving upwards), and emotionally!

I am being optimistic today, along with love!

Excited!!! BEYOND BELIEF!!!

2010-10-29T10:22:00.000-07:00

So I really dont know how I am holding in all this excitement but....
MY BFF IS STAYING IN NY!!!!

Now I know this means nothing to you all but... this girl:

Does not live in the US, Ive been friends with her since the 5th grade. We are inseparable! Except for the ocean the physical distance that keeps us separated. Well this morning she just informed me that her job here in NY, will continue! They asked her to stay!!!! So even though she isn't exactly here in the same area as I am she is in the same state and only a train ride away! Enough for me to see her 1-2 time a month instead of once every 3 years!!!! And seeing how she is on my cell phone plan... I get to talk to her WHENEVER!!!!!

I am happier than a pig in shit! I will be picking her up from the train this afternoon and I have the weekend with her!!! I am so happy! My horoscope said that an old dream will come true, one that I have given up hope on... well..... I know this is a dream come true!

Will I always see her..no, thats cool we lead two very different lives. I am very busy and she works 15 hour days. Yet we make the time to be completely involved in each others lives. Even tho, me and animals dont get along (she works with horses) and ms bff and kids do not mesh (as I am a mother). HAHA! its the weirdest thing to put us together, she is tall I am short. We might be opposite in so many ways but she is my soul mate and knows everything about me. she loves and accepts everything about me, and this goes both ways!

She is second only to my daughter, and she knows this! (does wonders for her ego), But I can finally say even tho I am a home body and dont do much, she brings out the best/worst in me! I am going to enjoy spending once a month late nights parting it up in the city. I never have before and I think its time I start enjoying it! It so won't be all the time but I am going to love it when it happens than go back to my life of solitude...Although I wouldn't call my crazy life solitude... but at the end of the night I enjoy most being at home and cuddling in the living room just hangn out with my mom, and if my daughter would cooperate her too!

Best part of all is ms bff, goes back home to iceland for the holidays... so what is a girl to do? I have my sis (aka cuz) coming from italy!!! for those two weeks!!! And I am going to enjoy that more than anything. it has been three years since I have seen her. And I am soo excited! at lest I wont be babysitting 2 people while with my daughter... haha! cause we all know people from out of town soo need to be babysat! But I have loads of work to do before my cuz gets here! AND I CAN'T wait!!!!

My life is exciting and invigorating! Day after Day! Maybe some times I have low points but they are nothing in comparison to the high I feel most of the time!!!!

Being excited! What are you being today???

I'm going back to the gym!!!

2010-10-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start up my gym membership again!!!! YAY! I loved going to the gym constantly, I really did. I have to find out some more info, but they have a child care area so I can go midday with my little one! she can have fun playing and so can mommy!!!! Right now money is tight but I plan on starting up hopefully for december. The catch is since it would be too cold to play at the park, baby can play indoors!!! they have an awesome set up for kids! She will get to run around and have loads of fun! I will try to go next weekend, while daddy has her, and see what they say. Now that I have the money I need to take care of myself! and I LOVE, to listen to music and walk/run... do whatever! its so relaxing! I am excited about this!!! VERY EXCITED!!!!

I lost 7lbs after I moved out of my ex house. I am eating much better! I just have to get back to being fit! being active and I dont want the winter to stop me! I am on a roll!!!!

I have more to do to get back on track. I had a nice long talk last night with the person that I spoke about yesterday. Ive moved on. its the most amazing feeling ever. I also got in touch with old friends, and am proactive to being committed to my daughter/happiness and business! I am spending time with friends and family that mean the world to me. and soon enough all those old patches that have held me back will be broken and I will move past any and all barriers that stand in my way.

My first goal is to get my finances in order. Once I do that I am going to be planning for the future. And than start to take advantage of things that I have not been able to for so long. The gym, buying my ebooks! Feeding my body physically and intellectually!

I want to live for now and be proactive towards my future! Things are changing! Life is happening and I am going to go full force forward!!!!

A few things in my near future are:
A gym membership
Fixing my CAR!!!!
gymnastics/swimming classes for baby
Advanced Momentum training
Trip to italy ... mommy only... :(
Vaca with the baby for the summer!!!!
Than pre-k for the baby!!!! AHHH!

wow so much to come for next year! and to think my new years resolution was to stop and smell the roses! I really have slowed down my life to enjoy it more! and because of that I can enhance and enrich it with more activities to love the life I live!!!

And this is what happens when your single with all this left over money! haha! and my business growing! WOW!!!! No one can hold me back!!!!

Onward and upward!!! Hope everyone has an empowering day!!!

Today is a bad day in the middle of all the good days

2010-10-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

So, I miss my blog dearly... I have been MIA for such a long time. It hurts not to write here. But So much has happened in the past month. I am currently a single mommy. Ain't that fun? Although I am happy about this aspect I feel much better, less stress and better over all about where my future is going. I am currently living at home with my parents. Not where I want to be but your most comfortable at home right? Anyway, its been too long for me to get my feelings out. For me to say what I want to say. I have moved on in my life from a very bad relationship. He has no idea how much I suffered, so much so that when I look back now all I see is relief. My blog knows I hurt, he still doesn't get it. But that's fine I have moved past such hurt. My dilemma right now is how do I move forward in all other aspects.

I have hurt from others still. I am working through that and being responsible for my reactions. My reactions because I have realized that I have been reacting to hurt from past situations. Hurt that never went away. And even tho it did go away and I feel better knowing about it, understanding and accepting responsibility for it. deep down inside there is still rejection, I still feel abandoned by the whole thing. Knowing that this will never be completely resolved and I may never fully walk away from this hurts. Even though I understand that my results driven, where it didn't matter what else was going on and who else was involved as long as I received what I was after. Which is wrong and I hate myself for it.

But now am I being resentful against myself? Where does this madness end? I feel like I still want to go after what I want.. But I am taking into consideration others that are apart of this, yet, where does the line get drawn? where do you give up and move on or simply keep giving in? Ive been hurt and I know I have, but that was the hurt of a 14 year old girl. its 10 years later, do I pick up the pieces and move on or stick around and wait out the storm? should I waste more time waiting? The feelings I had all those years ago were right, I was told that I was right. But what about now? am I right? do I still know what I am doing?

More importantly how do I move on and put the past behind me. It has haunted me for the past 10 years. Does it just automatically go away? or does it fade away slowly. Some days I am filled with love, other days I only have love for myself, and other days like today I feel completely rejected in every scene. rejected by the ones who do love me, rejected by myself and rejected by the world around me. But most importantly by the people that I want in my life. I know that I can not stand any level of rejection and I guess this is what my problem is but, as secure and self sufficient as I am why does it really matter?

Dont ever let your CIRCUMSTANCES ever get in the way of your COMMITMENT!!!

Now what are my circumstances though? Where I live my life and the lives of others

My commitment? ha, its all about my daughter and my business... makes me wonder why I am so hung up about something else, problem is I have a commitment to a circumstance that I have no relation to. Other people's lives and other people's reactions. What kind of commitment? A commitment to be apart of it, yet, none of that has to do what my commitment should be.

Than I think, well is that commitment just a circumstance? I just happen to be apart of something that I can not control and should I just let it be because it is not apart of my true commitment? A commitment that really matters? and than how do I shift my perceptive to commit and continue recommitting to what I want and not what I might have fallen into? How do I differentiate the two to stay focused on what is truly important?

There is so much that I now know and see, yet I need to take a step further and let go of my fears and hurt, along with my own personal perceptions and wants and needs, and just focus on being what I want out of life and the rest will follow. Taking this journey a day at a time just to keep discovering and rediscovering where I am and where I am going and how I want to do all of this. Not for anyone but myself! I just need to remain committed to this and follow through. Never letting other people circumstances or even my own slow me down.

life is really hard to keep up with

2010-09-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

When do you know maybe its too late? when its too late to fix something that is broken? is there a deadline? is there a way out? what if it doesn't work? will someone tell us what is wrong? or will it be more time wasted? do you move on to something better? will there ever be something better? or are we always destined for the same thing over and over again? do we only get one chance? can we go back if it was the wrong choice? does the hurt go away?

WOW, I dont know if I'm disturbed by this revelation or hurt

2010-09-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

So, last night I was told by my wonderful hubby that everyone, well at least everyone he talks to thinks that I act/am/portray myself or whatever... aka, I act like I am better than everyone.. wow, ok. That's a revelation... seeing how that's the last thing that I have ever felt. HA! actually most the time I feel I'm not good enough. And odd to think that hubby feels that I act as if I am better than him too.. Sorry I have confidence in who I am. Thats about all it is... that and most the people he mentioned don't know me and have never taken the time to get to know me... so they only know that I am closed off. Because yes I am a very private person (aka, most people dont know I blog)... and I don't know most people who said this about me... don't give me the time of day so I don't give them the time of day.. I think that is fair enough. One person in particular is my brother in law, I think we all know me and him do not get along... so if he is around, I shut my mouth lift my head up high and proceed to be closed off and uptight because I don't want to say or do anything to give him ammo to make my life more miserable. oh wait... my brother in law is everywhere we go... soooo, how do you think I'm going to act. And how do you think people are going to see me... and I don't drop everything to spill my heart out to someone who doesn't give a crap about me... sorry... I'm just being myself I am completely real with the world around me even when my mouth is shut with my head held high...

Maybe people see that I don't gossip or talk about celebrities thinking I'm above them.. no I think its rude to talk about other people and I don't have time to involve myself with some stranger's life... let them live their life and let me live mine... If its a friend am I going to be concerned and want to know if something is wrong... YES!!!! am I going to go repeat it to someone else... HELL NO!

Do I think my shit don't stink... yea I do! I am Italian... I do think I am the greatest and best ever! But at the same time I never have though I am better than someone... I have never know myself to put myself above someone else..I put my personal responsibility above others, my family comes first... that's me my daughter and hubby... Sorry if they are the only true people that matter most to me... yes MANY people I do care about... but they come first... and you know what I shouldn't be sorry about that! I am a mother and a wife.. than a friend...

And I say I feel disturbed about this because my personality is not to care... I don't care what others think... and I know this.. well no I do care, I care when its someone like my sister in law (my bo's wife) coming to me so that we can understand each other better and she can express how she feels... her opinion matters. She is an amazing person! and she cares about me enough and I whole heatedly care about her. otherwise I feel that no other people's opinions don't matter.. hubby's friends who only see me when my brother in law is around... do they matter when they think about me acting "stuck up"... hell their g/f don't think that... but they get to know me... we have a great time.. and when they ask us what we are laughing and going on about we all reply "NOTHING" and laugh some more...

So I feel a lil disturbed about the fact that I don't care but I do care just not the same way others do... you can blab about me all you want... but you don't know me... so what does your opinion matter? anyway... the hurt part... that hubby actually thinks I might be like that... even tho he hears how I feel all the time.. he listens to me when everything falls apart and knows that I usually feel like not only does my shit stink... mostly I feel I am shit... and that's true because I grew up in a house where no matter what I did good bad. noble peace prize.. didn't matter I would never be good enough or never amount to anything in life... So I've lived with that for 21 years... what do you think I am going to do.. Of course I am going to have self confidence I fought that every step of the way! I always knew I was someone of importance! to someone... not to everyone not to the world... But there are people in my life that value me and that's where I get my confidence from... and if you don't value me... well I close the door and let you know you can't hurt me! sorry its not going to happen...

Am I different than most hell yes... Do I like the way I am hell yes.. Can other people not handle it.. of course... but I dont expect anyone to change for me or do things for me.. I just do it for myself.. I'm not selfish its not all about me, I don't expect others to wait on me hand and foot... I don't expect others to do what I say (oh wait no that I do do..) haha but that's joking around with friends... and they get it... otherwise I don't joke with them about it...

you know, I've been told many times I'm direct confident and in control... yea I am and I love it! and ALOT of people love that about me! If they can't handle it why should I change and why should it affect me??? I've done the whole change for others to make them happy... it doesn't work out very well you wind up being miserable! I'm not miserable! and I don't want to be miserable! sooo, that's about that... I am a little hurt that hubby feels that way, I did talk to him and he does understand and know that I am not really like that... just I close myself off to others... and I explained to him that him, my bff and our daughter are the only one's who really really know me... and I don't tell my bff things about our private relationship so she doesn't know everything... I think what hurt more is that hubby took other people opinions of me as his own...

although somewhere inside I still am laughing at all of this.. me better than anyone... yea right... tell that to my father... he who always said "you will never be anything of importance in life" ahahaha! so yea I still get a laugh out of all of this... I am me and I can't change nor do I want to! I love who I am and its just going to be that way...

quickie

2010-09-13T09:37:00.001-07:00

crazies last few days and next two weeks... but wanted to say I am down 2 lbs! xoxo people!

ok... post #3 prob most important

2010-08-31T15:46:00.000-07:00

So, today I have been doing what they call in Italy a white diet... which consists of the list from earlier today... I have been doing exceptionally well.... I have not touched my daughter's food except a lil out of her juice box (bag) so she doesn't spill it... but surprisingly I feel great!!!! I had breakfast, which was yogurt, 1 slice of toast, tea and water. than I had white rice with a lil bit of salt for lunch with some bread with butter... and some water, a lil capre sun juice, and a few sips of orange juice.. I am not too hungry although almost dinner time I am getting there... and tonight will be chicken and some yogurt... the end... if im still hungry I will have either toast or rice... now... big thing here. I bought special Toy story cookies for baby... yummy ones too.. I DID NOT TOUCH!!! I am very proud of myself!!!!

I did it all day! my tummy feels great!

I need help!!!!

2010-08-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

HOW DO I PUT A TWITTER LINK ON MY BLOG? I'M A TARD!!!! (yes that's an abbreviation for retarded because I don't like using the actual word but I'm dumb as a doornail sometimes... and its a perfect expression!)

THANKS!!!!!

Last night... not soo good...

2010-08-31T06:20:00.000-07:00

So last night was a horrible night... am I fine this morning yes, I had hubby nurse me back to health. I had my daughter use me to put her feet up on my back while she slept. (not cool). But over all I am ok, I had a physical crash. I am back up and running today. hubby is concerned that I am completely going to burn out soon but I refuse to stop any time soon... But I won't tell him that cause that will really make him upset... avoiding the whole upset hubby... not good not good.

So anyway, since I started my day today off right. I decided to step onto the scale! ----- wait for it... wait for it... yea 155, not good.. BUT!!! Oh yes I have an amazing but to this!!! I am pregnancy 155... aka, my cloths still fit, but I just feel big. like my muscles are returning and my fat is going!!!! I am becoming leaner! I also attribute the 155, to my 50gal of water a day... which might also be last night's problem... SOO I think i need to cut back just a little I think I flushed out all my electrolytes... (yes I have done this before)... its loads of fun! yea, I felt like someone slipped me Spanish fly, hubby says it was the guys from work... I don't even see the guys I work with every day!!!! he is such a dummy! ahaha! so anyway I feel like I have a hang over right now but that's about it.. but, I am not stopping!!!! I am going to be eating white rice for the next few days though.. I need to clean out all toxins from my system and than start to replenish.

So white rice,

water (limited),

orange juice,

yogurt,

toast, and

only fruit,

maybe eggs

but that's about it... till this weekend.. the only other thing will be sugar/honey (even though honey is not the best), and salt... maybe grilled chicken with a lil salt... no pepper.... :( No green tea pills no energy drinks.... NOTHING!!!!! and this morning was the last time I will have my raisin bread toast or black tea, only bay leave tea. DAMN this is sooo going to suck!!!!

most importantly I can not eat my daughter's food!!!! I can eat as much of what I am allowed to eat but NOTHING ELSE!!!! So help me god!!!!

well that's the plan! along with my normal routine of life, I still plan on going out walking working out and doing whatever else I usually do! I do plan on keeping it low on the sugar... I don't know how but I do plan on it! not to mention I still have to cook for hubby and daughter through all of this... (so help me god).... BUT I know and will continue to recommit to my decision to this diet because I know that it is for my health! its my choice and as long as this is my choice its my choice to stay committed to it!

ok that's all for today, I have to go pee yet again!!!

Two walks!!!!!

2010-08-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

YUP! I went for a walk this morning with my most amazing neighbor and bff!!!! and than again tonight! As a wind down from the most amazing day ever!!!! Talk about showing up and living life to the fullest! I worked today all of 4 hours! a lil in the morning and than a presentation. I got to spend time with some amazing people and time with my family! I took time to take care of myself too! I am also putting focus on my life and getting anything and everything done! Everything around me is better! I am enjoying life more and living more in the moment which is pretty cool cause I can be busy but at the same time enjoy what I am doing and the busy life that I am living! I am going to sleep exhausted but at the same time I am fine with that.

I feel great! besides all the aches and pains in my body I feel amazing! First off, I have to say that I have been stretching every day for the past few days ( being a gymnast). And it feels great! I feel better when I stretch out my muscles. They feel thinner and leaner. AMAZING! I also am fitting into my pants better than I did last week, Even though I feel very bloated right now. (had like 30 glasses of water today). I am having a little problem controlling my eating but overall I am not doing too bad. I am really enjoying just being and doing my thing.

I mean everything around me is better, I have a better relationship with hubby and my daughter. I got to enjoy and actually NOTICE the toads around the neighborhood while on my walk! was really cool I have never seen them before! And I was focused on the tasks at hand and amazing life that I am living!!!!

I had the most kickass day today!!!! I hope you all did too!!!!!

What are you being today???

2010-08-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

Ok so, today yesterday and the day before I have been feeling quite sick, but I have not let that stop me!!!! I want to congradulate myself on not making any excuses and opening up the treadmill! I used the treadmill for 22 min yesterday!!! 8 of which I RAN!!!!!! Yes you heard it right here! I was running!!!!

Besides me taking the initative to work on me I have soo much going on right now! my bff is coming back on the 13th of September!!!! OMG OMG OMG! life is good! anyway, besides that. I was able to get in touch with a childhood best friend who lives in Italy. I have not heard from her since I was in 8/9th grade! Facebook is an amazing thing! I was able to reconnect with all my friends from Italy! its just the coolest thing ever!

I am dedicated more to where I am in my life and also being out there more being more social instead of hiding indoors, accepting the people around me for who they are the way I am. despite the fact that some people in my life do not like my new attitude I dont care. I understand that is their opinion and that's fine for them. I am not wasting neg energy on people or places not worth my time and effort. I am taking the initiative to survive! If your friends with me on fb you have seen this but I want everyone to actually watch this video its only 5 min! but after all the personal development I have been doing this just put everything back into perspective and said WAKE UP!!!!

THIS IS CHANGED MY LIFE

I don't know how to embed the video, but go to the link, its through fb. I am amazed at how simple passion and determination works! And I feel that is the story of my life. But I have stepped out of my comfort zone when it comes to myself physically and emotionally! I was sick last night and I still had the determination after putting my daughter to sleep to work out! And I have been showing up in my business with my decisions and dedication level. I have changed over my organized mommy blog to something more fitting my dedication to my business and what I am doing to get to the TOP!!!

Everything around me is changing so rapidly! I am making choices that meet and match my wants more and more. I want to be certain things and although I dont want to work out... I know working out will get me what I want! Also my bff is coming in about 3 weeks! I want to be ready and sexy to go out to the damn clubs and have a great time!!!

Today I am being:

Fit

Active

Loving

Giving

Sharing

Vulnerable

Determined

Organized

and best of all I am being ME!!!!

What are you being today???

Looking out instead of in

2010-08-25T07:00:00.000-07:00

Taking the time to look at what is really on the outside of that box, feeling the uncomfortable feeling of not having your walls up and being vulnerable plays a huge part in making my days better. It sounds to odd to hear it, but that uncomfortable feeling has been a wake up call for me to actually take the time to look at the world around me and realize that I am only one of many and that I am not doing this alone. Not only that but that I can be happy with myself while being uncomfortable. It also helps me realize what I want more, It helps me put in prospective what is really important and what my wants and needs are.

Although I have stated many times what I will do and how my lack of integrity takes over I am happy to say that I will no longer say anything instead I will do. I will do what feels uncomfortable to do. I will do what pushes me outside of my boundaries... I will not hide behind words. I will step into the light and be proud of having it shine on me! Be proud of who I am not what I have become. Be proud of what I look like and not remember what I once was.

Every day is a step in the right direction for a more fulfilling feeling! More of what I want in my life. Every day I will strive for what I want. And even when I feel like I have to, I will question myself is it something that I want? Will this activity (even when I dont want to do it) give me the result of something I want?

And with this blog it is clear that I WANT to lose weight... Which entails me having to work out. Having to eat less and having to stay active and be healthy. So this blog is no longer about what I have to do about getting in shape it is about what I want to do which is be in shape... AND in order to be in shape I have to be active.. so my blog will consist of me being! BEING what I want, Acting the way I want. Having what I want not having to do anything!!!!

I love who I am and how I am so I have to embrace me and feel vulnerable in order to go out there and grab hold of what I want and be whatever it is that is needed!

So today I want to be:
Happy!
Active!
Friendly!
Loving!
Sexy!
A Gymnast!
A Wife!
A Mommy!
A Business Woman!

I am so amazing and being that will surely be that backbone for being what I want! And EMBRACING ME!!!!

I hope everyone has the most empowering and amazing day ever!!!!

quick check in

2010-08-24T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone!
I just wanted to say that I am still here... controlling my eating... and just trying to stay a little more active each day. especially stretching my muscles out and staying focused! I have been posting but never publishing... Im still super busy at work, baby is sick now.. but things are good on my end hope everyone is doing well... end of aug and its cooling down very nicely!

My stand!

2010-08-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

So I have been being more, yesterday I had a huge falling out with my mother in law. Honestly everything everyone else loves about me which is the fact that I am different I am crazy, but full of life and I do love and I share love . And this picture proves it. Its two plants and two 2-dozen roses from people who love me for me! Does that say enough that people love me? I think it does! SO, why am I letting someone who has no impact on who I am sway me? Especially someone negative?

Anyway no more negative I have a windowsill filled with positive reinforcement!

On to my weight loss! Since it is super important to me right now! I have been making better healthier choices and slowly incorporating positive aspects into my day. I am staying more active even at work to just get up and move around a little. I am also eating better and prepping all my food ahead of time so that I can stay healthy! I am proud of how much has changed so quickly! I have so much more to do but first step is first. I am not thinking and wondering I am doing I am being first. Being strong being present and than doing what has to be done when it presents itself! And most importantly I am taking every day a step at a time and realizing that no matter what it is I have 25 different options of how to do it. One of them should work and be the right choice! Yet whatever I choose I have to remember it was my choice to make! I hope everyone is taking a stand and Enjoying their Thursday! Today is the most important day of your life! What are you doing with your day?

Integrity/ Momentum Training

2010-08-10T09:47:00.001-07:00

So I have been taking a look and working on my integrity and let's just say I have a whole Blog here about my lack of integrity..

It taught me a great lesson... First I realize that I have a compulsive need to do more and expect so much more of myself than I can give my word about. I constantly feel the need to do more and when I have that feeling I say so much to when I look at what I have to own up to I make excuses for why not to do what I set out to do.

Its almost an impulse and most definitely a self sabotaging activity. My goal in life should not to be to conquer the war... It should be to have a choice and my choice is to have integrity about what I say and expecially with what I write! Its so important for me to be honest but when I say I will and change what I do... the person I am lying to myself... And that's the one thing I don't want!

Taking this journey step by step has also helped me realize that although I never want to compare and never want to have someone compare me to another person I have defined my life like that. I spend my days comparing myself and my life to my mother. And although me and my mom is the one person I look up to I feel that I have to do what she did in life but I realize now that my life is mine and she is only 1 part of who I am. She is the part that is generous. not the driven individual striving for more. Do I have the same tendencies? Yes. But am I looking to compare and compete with her? No. I also realize that I avoid her for fear that I can not compare to what she has accomplished in life.

Now let me make the point to tell u I am not my mother nor will ever be. Nor do I want to be. I need to be conscious of my comparative nature and change into who I am and what I know is right. All my life my goal was to right the wrong my mom made with me and yes I am raising my child very different. But at the same time that is me doing it not my mother and my mother has nothing to do with it. Its my choice. That is what I want and as much as I want to use it as a comparison.. How can I compare to opposites?

I need to understand where I am going with my life and leave the pieces of my past behind where it belongs.. Those events in my life made me but its what I choose to do that defines me!

taking a step forward!

2010-08-06T10:03:00.000-07:00

Salina: I love you! your like the best ever and that evil whore can find a new friend! hahaha! Thanks that made my day!

Momentum training: (workshop)

I want to say that last night was more an intro to what will be going on for the next few days but still I have to say that it was enjoyable.. yes it was late yes I was tired and yes, I felt very uncomfortable but I think that was the point...

I am starting to pick up on things that I do that I shouldn't why I do them and what I need to change... I am also starting to understand more about what I don't know that I don't even know I don't know! Hows that! I actually understand the concept! its really cool, I want to know and understand what I know is right to me and what it is that I am doing wrong and why I do it... No that's not it, there is no right/wrong its what we create! its all so amazing to know the way our brain functions and what we do to make things happen the way we want them to happen and what we perceive to be happening when we create such things in our minds.

So essentially we went over the concepts yesterday and I assume for the next 3 days we will be applying these concepts to establish them into our thoughts and ideas.

I do have to say, I am beginning to apply these things into my life already, I have always had a dislike for public transportation, maybe cause I rarely use it. I have no idea, (aka something I dont know), but putting myself in the predicament that I have to use public transportation to get to and from.... And you know what PROSPECTS... OMG I have to get over myself!!!!

I HAVE A GREAT IDEA! I have a few blogs which you all know... I think most of them many dont care to be apart of, this is more about me and myself, along with weight loss... but I talk a lot about my business on here. I also think it's very inappropriate! Sorry for those that read and don't understand... I know I have a blog about being mommy and one about being and staying organized... First and foremost I have to update my Organized blog... it seems to just be a running to do list.. But I want to change it completely! I want it to be a blog about my business! I want to blog about my journey to the top! about where I am taking my life and my goals and how this opportunity really is living a life by design! I will also have my vision board on my blog side! It can be a place for my team and prospects to visit and get info... I love the idea!

I will get on that this week... in the mean time I am going to clean up my organization blog and figure out what goes where and what I am going to be doing! I am still going to keep this blog! I love my community on here and you girls are always my biggest inspiration! I am committed to weight loss to this will always be about my health! but most importantly this will be my place! Who I am how I am and where I can come to write! I hope to keep the two blogs tied in directly and hope that you follow me on my professional journey like you all have with my personal ones!

XOXO to you all! I might be mia for the next week while I work and get things up and running but I will be by!

I have a problem

2010-08-05T10:43:00.000-07:00

Today I weighed myself at 157! I know its not completely accurate but STILL!!!! THIS IS A BIG PROBLEM!!!!

I have momentum training tonight... http://www.momentumeducation.com/home.htm

And for the rest of the weekend... after that I am sooo going to start dropping the weight or I don't know what I am going to do!!! I feel gross!!!!

But although I feel grosso... I have to say I am sooo damn excited about training tonight! I think everyone here knows that I am always looking to better myself and become more well rounded and be more and accomplish more and yadayadayada... any way this is a personal development workshop! I have been looking forward to this ALLL and I mean ALL month of july!!!!

I do have to run.. my day will be super hectic till I get on the train at 5! than I get to really enjoy my time and spend it expanding my own horizons!

Like my sponsor says make it shine!!! BLING!!!!!

Lacking in weighloss

2010-08-04T06:56:00.000-07:00

Ok so despite my overall success with stay on track and getting things done... I have been lacking in weight loss... I feel like I binge every afternoon! EVERY afternoon! Yesterday I have a salad, with some grilled chicken, it was great than I proceeded to have the left over chicken nuggets that belonged to my daughter and the left over pizza! I soo did not need that! I didn't even want it! But I was taken over with the impulse that it had to be eaten! SOMEONE HELP! I have no idea what to do... I am getting so much on track! I really am, yet... I am over eating for no reason at all! Worst of all I feel like I am gaining weight... More weight! I feel disgusting and gross! I need to start getting rid of it asap! I am almost... like 20 sheets of paper away from being completely utterly paperless, which will leave me time to go out for walks instead! Although with momentum this weekend I will be holed up in a room in the city thur-sunday! But OMG I am going to holed up with 2 of the MOST SUCCESSFUL leaders in my company! I am practically shaking in my boots to get to know them better and grow my business with their help! Think personal AND professional development from two amazing women who make 10,000+ a month!

The one thing I don't want to do is take my efforts off of weight loss again... It is so important to me to lose weight I have to stake a claim in what I am doing and continue to push forward around all my many obstacles!

Honestly I dont even know where to start to get back on track sometimes! its really quite sad!! I am sticking with what my team mate who is a personal trainer has gone over with me... but I keep on going over board! its soo frustrating! does anyone have any ideas for me in this funk and what I should do?

Maybe its stress, my period coming... or something but I can't control it... Or maybe I can and I need to focus harder... I don't know! Anyway thats where I am... lost, on this front... everywhere else.. amazing.. weightloss.... sad...

Walked

2010-08-01T19:41:00.001-07:00

I am so proud of myself! I did an hour walk tonight... It has been a very long and gut wrenching day but my walk helped me get back to what is important. I am dedicated to making strides for my health. I feel great and rejuvenated thanks to a push from a wonderful friend. She is helping me even redo my diet and put more focus on what is important. I'm also really happy that hubby is going to start working to also lose weight! His first step... And its a big one is no more fast food! I am very proud of him! and it makes me want to take more of an initiative to lose weight myself! So today was all in all a bad day but everything that came out of today out weighs any and all negativity.. I feel like I have turned a new leaf and am progressing forward in a way I have never done before! I know I have a lot on my plate but feel that everything I do is for the best and I wouldn't want it any
other way!

I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend!

mobile

2010-07-31T15:24:00.001-07:00

So this is a test run to see if my mobile blogger works..

Nothing to wear!

2010-07-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

With my wardrobe I have to admit I have nothing to wear! I am going to tj maxx later to find something for hubby's bday party tomorrow... its depressing not to have something to wear!!!!

My best

2010-07-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am doing my best to stay on top of all things, I am desperately trying to eat less! But I have not been able to work out... Although I have been out and about more lately... I know it helps but not nearly enough! a good friend of mine, who happens to be doing the business with me is also a personal trainer... she has been giving me a few tips here and there... I am going to try to start using them as soon ans I can, I want to be a hottie! I was talking with one of my best friends from HS last night and its true I have to feel better about my personal image. I feel that it affects everything I do in life. My relationships and my business to my health and well being.. A conscious effort is needed day in and out to make this work for me. I need all aspects of my life to flow in a positive direction through taking care of myself. I need to do more than one thing at a time and accomplish and excel at more than one thing at a time, also not to digress if I am no longer focusing on something but to make strides and progress daily!

Its been really long days

2010-07-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

It has been really long days these past two weeks extremely busy and very unfocused... when it comes to my health and when it comes to my life! its starting to get to me... I feel distracted and unattached, I am almost at a point of disoriented... I think I feel over whelmed but when I look at what needs to be done there is nothing... yes my business/ a party this weekend and so many other things... yet I feel lost! I have momentum training in two weeks and am truly looking forward to it! I am hoping that I find out what I really want from life. From the intro class I realized the goals I have wanted my whole life don't fit me any more... not only that I need resilience and knowledge and determination to go after what I truly want out of life...

I feel like my life is on hold till than! I have so much to do... tasks that are easy and hard and I feel that none of them are being accomplished in any sort of way! oh well for right now I just have to focus on being... after that I will find where I am going and how to get there... At this present time i have started again to refocus my eating habits and counting my cal... I hope it makes an effort I am dyin with this extra weight I want to feel sexy and skinny... I feel horrible in my body currently and that is making me feel worse.. here is to new beginnings two weeks later!

Hyper!!!

2010-07-09T09:33:00.000-07:00

OK so besides the fact that im super busy at work right now I AM SOOO HYPER!!!

I do want to say that you ladies ROCK!!! your always here for me and sooo damn supportive! thank you!

I do have to say that weighin this morning was 149! thank god! so yesterday was a glitch, phew!!!! anyway I have to get back to work or get in trouble... opps!

I will blog tonight... if I dont have a crash! I am going out for a walk today and gonna love every second of it!!!

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!! (if I don't get on later)

XOXO

Im Back!!!!

2010-07-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

Sorry everyone!

I was MIA for a good reason and now I am back. I put everything on hold for about a month to promote myself up to the next level of my business... I am excited to tell you that I have officially been promoted at the end of June and am a DISTRICT MANAGER with ARBONNE INTERNATION!!!! I am so excited I still feel like I am on air. I worked my butt off and I have gotten there! I am very proud of my determination and drive to be successful and I am pushing every day for bigger and better! I do have to say in the process I have slacked significantly in my weigh loss endeavors and have back tracked to 154. I am devastated by this and am starting anew since yesterday! I am recovering yet again from recent injuries to my shoulder but am determined since the heat wave has passed to start my walks again! I have been going once a week which is a far cry from my every day hour... but I am determined to keep pace with getting back on track and making progress again! Not only in my weight loss but in my further business and life! I am currently enrolled to participate in a momentum training the first week of Aug! I am excited beyond words for this I know what to expect from it but not yet knowing what I will get out of it. Although we had an intro class, and let me tell you when we did an exercise on goals I do want to say I think my goals for life have significantly changed in the past few years. I feel that I am hindering myself by my determination to maintain and keep goals that are no longer parallel to my life or wants out of life.

On the flip side something I have said more than once and will say for the rest of my life is that... Writing is my muse is my inner peace and my true passion! Without being able to write daily, creatively or philosophically, I find that a piece of me is missing. I am going to do my best to keep to my blog to relieve stress in a positive and productive manor. I will be also using my organization blog to get back up and running on my life. I have had a good handle on getting things accomplished and staying organized under a mainstream sense but let me tell you I am back tracking... Falling behind... wasting time... and its unexceptionable!

I pledge to dedicate my time and efforts to getting back on track, through my blog,

for weight loss/ time management and personal development!

Taking a break

2010-05-27T09:10:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone I will be taking a break from blogger and weight loss for a lil bit and just trying to do it on my own.. I have so many other priorities that are taking up my time, when I have time I will be back but focusing on what is really important is getting me to the next level in my business come hell or high water! I am so close and know that with more dedication I can go above and beyond any expectations. I hope to be back here soon enough till than I wish you all good luck!

Love
Christine

dyn

2010-05-22T17:08:00.001-07:00

crapped out and dying from my wisdom teeth.. I will return when I rise from my death.. :(

What is important to you in your life?

2010-05-19T07:00:00.000-07:00

I am asking everyone far and wide! What do you want out of your life? How do you plan on getting there? What makes you tick? What are you passionate about?

These are very hard questions to ask but I would love to get to know you all much better so I ask, What is important to you? What do you value and where will that take you?

I will do a full post about your answers and my own tomorrow.

Time to move upward and onward!

2010-05-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

I am officially over working for someone else!!!! I can no longer subject myself to this!!!! NO WAY! My goals are pushed to ASAP!!!!

ok anyway enough about work, I have to say that despite the fact that I am 146 still, its that damn plateau! I feel great! I feel smaller today, I dont know I just dont feel so bloated which is why I weighed myself... Although last night I ate a few things that cost me! I was doing so good the rest of the day, BUT I do have to say that I need to be drinking more water. That is the key at this point... The water that I am drinking isn't enough. Not even close!!!! I need to triple the amount of water that I am consuming! doing this should help get rid of some wanting to over indulge! I have most control over what I am eating currently, although yesterday I should have worked out and I didn't... got a lil depressed at the end of last night... I have a problem with things when they don't go my way.... :( anyway...

I will be working on control and a work out tonight.. and I am currently drinking a bottle of water, which I hope helps! but I will leave you for now I have work to do for someone else's business... which I am not happy about... but I will live for now... till I don't have to deal than I will strive!

I feel amazing!!!

2010-05-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

I really do! I am back on my pills, so I feel like a normal person. I have just the right amount of energy I can focus and stay concentrated, I can push myself to do things that need to be done, that normally I would so not have ever gotten to doing. I am enjoying the feeling of not always being starving!!! Most of all I am enjoying feeling like myself again!

I also think hubby is super happy because I feel better and he doesn't have to hear me complain that I am tired. He doesn't have to hear me say how this or that sux and I am more willing to go out and do things, which he always complains that I am just too tired for anything..

So overall this weekend went great, we so sucked at Atlantic City which I don't even care about cause we had loads of fun! I loved every second of it! I had the company of great friends, I didn't do too bad on food I worked out ;) I stayed on track to do soo much! I get to enjoy myself again this week! I have to work this weekend which means I will be really having fun!!!!

Like I said the other day no weight in cause of my period till Wednesday but I feel like I am not bloated or huge right now so that is a lil bit more positive! Taking each day one at a time and striving for tomorrow to be better than today!

Hope you all had a fantastic weekend!

We SOOOOO LOST!!!

2010-05-16T03:08:00.000-07:00

We went to Ac and lost!!! but we were good enough to realize that it was just a horrible night and we left with some of our own money as for how I am doing... well its 6am and I am awake! not too tired and just about to go get my workout on!!!!

Oh yeah!!!!!!!

Ok, just wanted to give a quick Sunday update... I have not checked my weight super bloated because of TOM, so I am going to wait till Wed for any further weigh ins...

xoxo to all!!!

SOOO PUMPED!!!

2010-05-14T10:34:00.000-07:00

First off thanks to the wonderful power of tracking a package from UPS I know that my green tea pills will be waiting for me when I get home! Thats first, second we are actually doing this whole Atlantic City thing. I am so excited to go out! We came to the conclusion that we will be going with another couple that is on our same wave length. So I have a feeling that we will have loads of fun!!!! It wont be just me and hubby but hey we will still have a great night. Than lets see business wise I am so excited for my next step! I have been working hard and have a feeling that we will BLOW THIS MONTH AWAY!!!!

I can't even put into words how excited I am about my on top of the world feeling! My month is going GREAT! I might not have any volume to actually accumulate yet but let me tell you by the end of next weekend I am going to be all pooped and over worked and my month end will look AMAZING! Most importantly what I will look like myself!

I have a goal to work out every day I do not work, Since I only work Wednesday, and the weekend next week, I have the Wii all hooked up and ready to go! After my pity party txt msg to my hubby about not having a hooked up Wii :) Im amazing! haha, I will not be working out tonight but... I will be walking all night so I guess that will count for something. I will workout this weekend! And Sunday I will go for a walk too! My goals for min from here to the end of the month are.... 450 min! I will keep you posted on how I do!

Compared to everyone else in the challenge I feel like such a slacker when it comes to min of workouts... but alas that is sometimes out of my control when it comes to my body... YET... I will be regaining my control today and turning over a new leaf with energy to keep moving forward ( "Meet the Robinson's ")

Also I will be doing a few more editorial type posts on here as soon as I get a chance.... I love to write and want to continue to do so. I am also going to be refocusing on my book. I am happy to say that I have not forgotten about it but I have been busy building a business. I am starting to get my sched and planning down a little bit more so I will be staying more on top of compartmentalizing reading/writing/working/being...

I have been doing a great job and just letting things go and enjoying where I am when I am there... A stress free approach to life. As hard of a concept to grasp as it is, I am finding the time to just kick back and say it can wait. Well, I have also fussed and stressed and overdone everything at certain times to than enjoy what I am doing at other times of my day.

I guess that at almost 24 I can say that my life is finally starting to fall into place??? I would say that in an over all picture things are starting to take shape to where I see them going and what I want out of life. Am I even close to the end, well of course not... I have a long life ahead of me but I feel that I have finally started my life journey. I have complied my goals and aspirations. I know where I am heading and how I am getting there. Does that mean I have a 5 year plan (like my father always said I should... ) no, I have no 5 year plan, nor do I want one. But I know within the next 5 years I would have accomplished some great things in my life. I do have a list of everything I want to do and need to do and goals to accomplish. Well I have a good feeling about that list to be accomplished within those 5 years. Some are huge and will only be started within the next 5 years, some are so minor I could do them tomorrow but might not reach finally till 4 years from now but I know that with growth comes progress.

well I guess in conclusion life is good. maybe I dont have everything I want here and now but I know where I will be looks bright and promising!!!!

Week One Weigh In!!

2010-05-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

No good news to report: 146.0 which I am not surprised about... I have been so busy and everything is all over the place.... But I am trying my hardest to stay focused as often as possible. I should be getting my green tea pills by Monday so I will finally start to feel like myself again! I plan on having energy again! from that I can focus on getting active... It is very hard to be active when you are constantly falling asleep!

I have work tonight and I have so many other things to do also.. me and hubby are planing to go to Atlantic city this Friday just for the night and to drive back in the early am... I am very excited about going but I want it to be just us! No one else...we never get alone time, we never get to be just us... if we dont have the baby we have either his brother or some other family member or we are home and doing nothing... Hubby wants his father to come... I don't want him to come I want to enjoy my hubby all to myself... and hubby wants to leave as soon as we hit or make some money and if we take his father he will not let us leave let alone let us make money! he will make 5000 and leave with -2000! he does it all the time... last time we went with him we were up 2000... we lost all of it cause of him... and if hubby wants to leave his father will not let us.... its not that I dont love my father in law I do... but I want some alone time with hubby just to be us... not worry about someone else being there and not have to accommodate someone else's wishes.. anyway.. I have work tonight and tomorrow and if all goes well I will be district come next weekend!!!!!

ok that's enough for right now... I am overwhelmed so far! I have been looking for something new to cook for hubby and let me tell you... I cant find jack shit!!!! nothing else that he would eat! Nada zero zilch! he is sooo damn picky and I dont know what else to do... he eats meat and potatoes and occasionally will have broccoli... and pasta... no rice no other veggies no mushrooms, half the meat recipes call for mustard so he wont eat those... and Im worried about cooking tonight when I have to get ready to go out tonight!!! uhhh!!!!

yea I dont know why but I am very pmsie lately... its quite bad!!!! no its really bad cause the way I feel and am acting is pissing me off more I dont like being like this at all. it bothers me way more than anything else in the world.. I am also beyond tired at this point....

ok well I have to figure something out to fix my problem I know its cause of my cfs that I am so tired and that's why I am eagerly awaiting my green tea pills... they are supposed to help suppress your appetite and help you lose weight but the best thing they do for me is simply give me the energy that a normal person has! And the impatience for my pills are killing me!!!!

I am going to go... talk to everyone later... sorry about the downer today..

Layout

2010-05-11T06:13:00.000-07:00

Hey peeps!
Sorry everyone has been complaining about my layout... I have no idea how to change it... I will see what I can do tho, just be patient... thanks!

Yesterday I did great till brownies walked into my house... and it was late at night... and they were oh so yummy... and it messed up my almost perfect day! I had like a dozen french fries that I shouldn't of had, but besides that my day would have been perfect EXCEPT my mom just had to bring brownies over...

oh well, good intentions... she means well. She also doesn't know I'm on a diet... anyway...

It was a long night and I am way tired this morning.. so I am going to go and slowly get work done today..

What a weekend

2010-05-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

First off I have to get this neg out: I almost decked a bitch out this weekend. f'n rude inconsiderate mouse looking slut of a bitch. she is two faced and feels that my hubby is her right.. well guess what bitch your lucky you didn't say anything on Saturday night! if you did you would have wound up in the hospital! And since your rude and stupid you also lost your friendship with my hubby cause he dont want to be friends with you cause I'm more important to him and if you cant be considerate of me than he ain't got no place for your broke bitch ass! Scared mother fucking piece of shit!

Sorry about that people, it just had to be said... moving on.. This weekend as you can see what quite eventful. Saturday was a bad bad day... Lets put it this way I shouldn't have worn my bracelet at all! But besides the bitch everything went wonderful! And despite the pompous bitch me and hubby had a long talk, and he realized that even tho she says they are only friends and he has no intentions of ever cheating on me ( and I trust him wholeheartedly) he will not continue to be friends with her. He sees what I see now that that bitch has an agenda and he wants no part of it. He understands where I am coming from and never wants to put himself in any sort of situation that would ultimately lead to hurting me. But what I find funny is I met the other girls he works with, and I love every single on of them except for the home wrecking hoe... I do have to say though, one girl there Roxanne, I love her to death! and the funny thing Hubby said when they first met a work she was all over him (well duh he is hot), but once she found out that he was engaged she backed off. (like any sensible person would do), And to boot she was the sweetest thing ever! I can see her as my new bff! We clicked right away, and hubby even called it he was like I knew you two would hit it off. She is Persian and very into her culture!

Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed my Saturday night. I even got all dressed up on purpose to scare the damn bitch, All black outfit with my rockandroll top, black nails and toes, pyramids and all! She didn't know where to stick her head when she saw me!!!! Funny thing was if you check my facebook, I don't dress goth/punk no more, so when she saw me she was quite intimidated! I love myself!!!!

than lets see Sunday... MOMMY'S day! Oh I had a wonderful day. Very simple and laid back... I was able to take a 3 hour nap with the baby and we just had an overall good day. I went off on my brother-in-law a few times, just for kicks and it made my day perfect!

Eating wise... well that's another story! I am at 147, which is bad but I didn't do diddly squat this weekend. So it shows. I am starting a full weight loss regiment this week! No more slacking and no more pushing anything off... complete discipline! Me disciplined ha! but yes I will be! I know it will not be easy but I am more than determined to meet my goals! I will continue to strive for better also!

Now for the best part of my weekend, what I got for Mommy's day: I got the sexiest pair of red heals EVER!!!! I love them to death! Too bad I dont have an occasion every day to wear them but you know I will make excuses to wear them! Hubby picked them out and he loves them! It kind of hurts with my pinkie toe but I sooooooooooooo dont care! Now if I just lose a lil bit more weight I have a sexy pair of white jeans that would look HOT with these shoes!!!!!

As for business, I have no RV yet but I already know that I made district! I have 3 prospects interested and 2 parties!!!! if I make my goals for this month next month is going to be such a piece of cake! I am enjoying myself while I work and that's what is most important isn't it? I also pushed up my goals for September, to get my white Mercedes by then! Its really not that hard! and I know that I can sooo do this!

Real Quick

2010-05-07T08:10:00.000-07:00

Friday is a bad day for me to post cause I am busy at work so I just want to say real quick,

Sorry to everyone for not being able to check out their blogs and respond I will this weekend. I want to see what everyone is up to!

Also I had Chinese food last night (bad mommy! ) but it was just way toooooo gooooodddd!! anyway... I did not weigh myself this morning for that reason... Hubby will be moving the Wii for me to use as soon as we upgrade to the new black one...

What else... I got a raise at work! very happy about that! a few other things but I so have to run

lov ya all!!!!

Well than....

2010-05-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

I had planned a wonderful post. But I was reading a blog that was so sad.. and I feel so much for other people's emotions so I am kind of bummed right now..

But I still have good news I am still at 145.5 after having a wonderful day even though I ended it with Ice Cream! (just a single scoop), and I put in a 50 min walk! I am beyond proud of my resolve to work hard and push myself for more. the 50 min did NOT include running after my daughter at the library/walking around toys r us(which you all know is like way big!) and than walking another 15 min to and from car... so in all I feel that 50 min (timed) is a great accomplishment ON TOP of everything else I did yesterday!

I do have to say, I changed my bracelet a few times yesterday, not many but I realized something. I have been working hard at controlling or eliminating any negative thinking for more than quite some time now. So for me to do this challenge is more like a test than the performance. I have always been positive and my resolve to stay positive will increase in leaps and bounds! I just feel for others and reading a blog that is so sad to see others going through things that are not controlled by our own actions but by the actions of others hurts me...

Than again I feel for others more than anyone will ever know, (shhh... don't tell anyone). I am always the tough girl with the hard armadillo shell and usually my armor shell is in place and always works but to know fear/joy/love/hate, and to know that I fear the things that others might have to go through or that I anticipate and fear my own failure makes me lose my shell. Fear is a nasty, nasty "thing". It takes a life of its own inside of you! Even a fear for good things happening.. Well you know what I refuse fear! I refuse to compare and contrast for what could be to what is! I reject the feeling of being lost. I need to be strong and realize that fear is a figment of my imagination! Fear of getting hurt while I work out is not going to stop me, fear of not making it to the top can not hinder me. Fear to know that someone somewhere is hurting. That that fear could hurt me too will not stop my life in its tracks!

I have been listening to a lot of motivational trainings for Arbonne. But most do not talk about the fear that is a result of others around you. And quite frankly as much as I love the people I know and feel for them I need to separate myself from other people's emotions to be internally happy. Which is what I truly want. As much as I have always been happy and enthusiastic about life there are certain times like these that when others suffer I suffer and I fear along with that suffering.... But my life has no room for suffering and fear I need to take control of who/what/and where I am with myself and stand up straight and just be me, happy and continue to know that there are worse things in this world than fear...(well ok no there isn't fear is as bad as it gets and its completely fake) Fear is only what you make of it and the amount of time and though that you give it.

So I am no longer giving fear the time of day. I am rejecting fear. I am not going to try I am going to do. I am going to be free of fear and from now on that word will no longer be in my vocabulary!

PS: there is only one other word that I have eliminated from my vocabulary: hate, I used it only once today in my post as an example I never use it in my everyday vocabulary because it is a very ugly word to be associated with. so adding to my ex vocabulary of words will be fear. There is no room in my world for those two words. And I think everyone should take a good hard look at the things we say every day to change how we feel everyday!

To a better life free of those two ugly words!!!!!!! Have a wonderful day everyone!!!!

LHA Challenge.... GO!

2010-05-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

So There you have it ladies, (the date and time is wrong but who cares!) This morning I was at 145.5! Yes I am happy to be at this point! starting my weight loss challenge with exactly 20lbs to lose!!!!! Can we do it? Yes we can!!!!!

Today is an exciting day, especially after last night! I am in such a phenomenal mood!

I can't even explain how pumped I am for this challenge and the challenge I have ahead of me to make my goals come true for this month!

Along with LHA I will be doing another personal challenge. I am going to eliminate negative comments and neg thoughts from my life! I think everyone knows how often I say "uh" and how I am been on a mission to use that word less well, I was listening to a training call the other day and a Pasteur had come up with an idea of forming good positive thinking and eliminating the negative thoughts! Essentially the idea is simple. This is a 3 week challenge to not say one negative thing! This can take up to several months to accomplish though. So wearing a bracelet that will stand as a reminder that you are not going to say anything negative. If something negative is said (or though, because a though constitutes a negative action), you are to switch the bracelet to the other wrist. Keeping the bracelet on one wrist for three weeks (21 days forms a new habit), will mean that you have accomplished the challenge!!!! Now I am starting today and I know usually I am a positive person but I want my whole world around me to stink of positive notions and attitudes!!!

So I am starting a-new! I am in such a great mood today and nothing can get me down! LETS GO LHA!!!!

I also want to say thank you to Christine and her sister for doing LHA.

Night before

2010-05-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

So, am I focused on weightloss! yes! I can't get it out of my head! but I have a major goal and task ahead of me... Make DM (arbonne next level up) by end of the month... which means...... I want to lose weight for my recognition!!!! I want to be all sexy and skinny! haha! anyway.... I am uber excited about my night and about tomorrow!

I am finally doing everything I want I am losing weigh for myself and my results will be beneficial for CF. And I am working and achieving all of my goals when it comes to my business! I am becoming a sucess in my own way. I am working towards goals and achieving them I am enjoying everything that I do and I am having everything work out!

Right now I have a few goals to accomplish in this challenge and in the month of May. May I want to lose a total of 8lbs. I know my goal is high but my determination to make it work. I want to be at 140 and I want that number to stick.. I will stay focused and know that working out and cutting cal will get me far in my goal! I have been doing good so far but find myself snacking and over indulging because of my daughter's eating habits.

I must separate my daughter's eating from my own. This will really determine my success! I am focused and will remain so, and I refuse to plateau at 144!!!!!

Ok I am going to sleep so I can get up early and work out in the morning. Also tomorrow will be another walk...

So far I have friday 45 min and a half hour at the mall
saturday 5/1 half hour with my mom (slow but still a half hour)

Till tomorrow!!!!

MAY!!!

2010-05-01T08:28:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year! today should be 90!!! with not too much humidity makes today just the most perfect day ever! Yesterday I went for a nice long walk! Me and baby thoroughly enjoyed ourselves on our walk yesterday! we walked around the neighborhood for 45 min! Than another half hour walking around the mall at night...

I started a log on my blackberry for how long I am walking... I am hoping it will help me track the amount of min that I walk (as long as I keep up with it). Than I will do another log for how many min a night I do a workout with my EA Active. I want to accumulate a couple hundred min a month... I want to have 1000 min of workouts every month! I figure that is 5 days a week of 45 min or more walking.. and another 100 min of workouts!

well actually to push myself I should do 1500 a month! That would make it a reachable goal but also one that requires some effort..

Ok i have a child sitting on my lap right now... trying to draw and I can no longer type.. so my goal will be 1500 min of working out and walking for May! that and 1200 cal days! Lets go get em!

What A Day

2010-04-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

Although yesterday was stressful and packed with chaos! Yesterday was a dream day! I had a great time with an old friend. I had to walk twice around this huge ass building... (Dude must have been like 10blocks total! I did it like 4 times cause I was lost!).. I made qualification for my next level up in my business! I got sleep last night! I am at 147.5, But I feel great about that number! I want to be down a lil bit more but I will get there! I scheduled my month for May so far, its going great! I also know that my weighloss challenge is starting soon and I am sooo damn excited to get started!!!! I also had a fizzie(energy drink) this morning and have loads of energy cause I did get sleep so I am sooo on a roll!!!!!

I do have to say that I have been managing life much better. I take some days to myself and other days to work and strive for bigger and better. It has helped me not get too overwhelmed which you all know is a constant with me. I have been on here more often writing and it also has helped me stay focused. I also think just in general my live has just been nicer too me! I think its the weather! Its beautiful outside and that always helps me get through my day! I am going to go for a nice long walk today! I am going to try and make it two miles! Also sometime this summer I want to buy the bugg... so I can track my daily activity level and see what I am doing when and how to incorporate more activity in my day!

I am so desperate to get back into gear about working out and being fit that it hurts! haha, I have tried to continue since the end of my last challenge but it has been hard. I think the winter is a very hard time for me to do much. But with the coming summer months I do believe that I will be successful! I will be going outside more! and just a lil bit extra workout with my EA active, I can really start to burn more cal! I have cut back on what I am eating and I am fluctuating between 145 and 148. Which isn't too bad, although I want to start seeing results that fluctuate downward!

Ok, I have wasted my whole day...lots of work to do.. got to go!

down another

2010-04-23T09:39:00.003-07:00

Ok just a quick update... I am down to 144... Im keeping this up! my toe is killing my I am tired and falling asleep at work, not to mention that I am swamped with work for arbonne and my job all at once! its a good thing and a bad thing... but at least I can deposit MAD CASH into my bank account today! I am so proud of myself from last night! I blew my goal out of the water!!!! Ok got to go.. lov ya all!

down another

2010-04-23T09:39:00.001-07:00

Well... this works!

2010-04-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

So I am down to 145! don't ask me how I did it! I know how I did it and its not cool but whatever... my weight has gotten me in a real funk lately... I need to lose the weight now and if I can work at keeping it off that would be easier.... :(

thats all for now... kids dont try this at home...

Rough weekend!

2010-04-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

So at some point on Sunday I was up to 150! YIKES! so I have managed to not eat! I am so sick of my weight at this point! well correction I am eating just as little as possible. but weight kind of has been the last thing on my mind these past two days... I am quite in crisis mode at the moment... I am prob going to be losing my job within the next few weeks... SO, I am doing everything humanly possible to make my Arbonne business work! So, I normally wouldn't do this because I dont like sounding like a sales pitch but here is my website... if you like anything please let me know...

www.arbonne.com you can buy on line using my ID# 18499856... or you can email me at cedisario@gmail.com

so anyway that is me letting you guys know whats going on... I am prob gonna go for a really long walk today to try and clear my head.....

life is just so unexpected, I am happy I started my business a few months ago.. It has been taking off and bumping up to the next level will allow me to stay at home!

anyway that's all for today... been on the phone all yesterday and all today... work work work.... grow grow grow.... believe!

Weigh in

2010-04-09T07:19:00.000-07:00

So I know today is a random day for a weigh in but... I am currently 146! YES! GO ME!!!!!
I am officially going down instead of up! before LHAS, my goal is to be at 140, than to go down from there with a final goal of 125! I would be happy with 130, but ultimately I want 125! and more importantly I will get there!

one factor that I will be working on continuously thoughout this challenge will be my posture! due to breastfeeding I feel like a hunchback. I want to sit up straight and hold my head up instead of slouching!!!!! Its so bad I know but... I can focus on my posture and keeping my abs tight all the time like I used to.

This weight loss challenge is no more about getting back to being me after a pregnancy this is about reaching my ultimate goal! Getting active and staying active! Most importantly I am doing this for my ego, I want to be skinny. I never have truly been "skinny" always a size 8 maybe 6, but I want to have an even shape!

In other words I want to lose inches, I want to tone! I want to see more and better results! First thing tomorrow AM I will be jumping on the treadmill!.. weather permitting I might go for a walk instead but I will be up and out and about! by 7!

Since I am going to ultimately be staying home... maybe sooner than later..(depending on hubby), I need to instill a solid routine into my day instead of sleeping all day long...I know I feel great after a work out and should strive to work out enough that it comes as second nature. Yes, I know that I am lazy and never work out but, this is what I need to change. What I will be changing with this challenge..

The other thing that I will be doing on this challenge will be using a shake program to lower the amount of incoming cal along with getting nutrition. I will not be doing shakes instead of meals, my daily shake will be 350-400 cal, to replace lunch. Doing this will essentially eliminate anywhere from 200-300 cal a day. Which I need seeing how I have been at 1800-2000 cal a day lately.

So I will be taking this challenge to heart! Like everything else I do in my life... lets see how far we can go! who wants to join me?

Cystic Fibrosis

2010-04-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Ladies!

So yesterday was a fabulous day! Despite all the things I had to do I enjoyed time with my best friend! But that is not what my blog is about today.

Today I am talking about something so much more serious... three months ago I said friends in my life had passed away in some of the most tragic ways, well I am happy to say that because of my best friend we are doing something about it. My best friend will be starting a Cystic Fibrosis organization to honor our friend. Not only that, but she wants me to be a huge part of this organization! I am happy to announce that I will be treasurer! Now I can not give any details beyond this because nothing is legal yet, and due to family dynamics no information is to be released till all paperwork is signed and legally authorized for us. (Don't you just love family giving everyone a hard time over a great cause? yea right)...

So in-lue to these new developments.... And my newest weight loss challenge! I will be donating 5 dollars for every pound that I lose! I am happy to be donating to a great cause and hope that people will participate in my cause!

Now, not only does this affect me due to losing a loved one but it also personally affects me because I carry the Cystic Fibrosis gene. Subsequently going through testing during my pregnancy. Fortunately my husband does not carry the primary Cystic Fibrosis gene yet might carry a form of the mutation that may result in male infertility. All I know is that my daughter is most likely a carrier which puts her children at risk. And, I have also spoke about Celiac disease on here and want all to know that Cystic Fibrosis is related to Celiac, they are two peas in a pod. Of the same gene and more importantly Celiac is a form of Cystic Fibrosis. Now my god daughter and her little brother both have Celiac disease, and since they are unsure which parent is the carrier, both of their parents are following the same Celiac diet to prevent their own reactions to gluten.

So these are things that hit close to home. Not some exorbitant diagnosis that has nothing to do with me but is something that is a part of me.

Now although my philosophy has always been to not be apart of a non profit organization, due to my capitalistic economic perspective. I feel that this organization will be for the best interest of all participants and not being apart of it would do others and myself a huge dis-service.

What does this mean in regards to my new years resolution, I am becoming apart of something that is bigger than me. Something that I take to heart and care about. But, also something that will remain with me for the rest of my life. Where as I am not focusing on the here and now. I am focusing on the bigger picture of my life. Doing good and living in a way that is productive to my community.

Does it always have to be about my new years resolution... well in part yes! I am changing my life for the better and the few steps that I take to better me and the world around me is all part of what I want to do for the rest of my life. As is my business... speaking of if I am going to be home by the end of the year I will sooo need something to fill my time.

Anyway that is all for today. I hope that all of us can see events in our lives and participate in something bigger than us.

Christine

2010-04-07T06:06:00.000-07:00

Now all my life I have hated my name and most importantly everyone I knew named Christine I just could not stand... Well I have to say that officially everyone in my life named Christine Rocks My World!!!!
First off to my blogger friends... Christine and Christine, you two are so supportive and I can talk to you guys alllll day! you make me laugh you inspire me and you keep pushing me to better myself and I appreciate everything you ladies do and everything you are! Now the next Christine in my life, is a wonderful doctor friend and mentor. Christine is training me in my business. She works by my side day and night. I can talk to her any time. She is never frustrated with my constant questions and constant hyper-ness! I owe all three of these ladies so much gratitude and praise! And it was these three ladies that I though of while looking at the blossoming trees on my way to work this morning. I felt right with my life, that I have friends and mentors to carry me through my day is such a way that I can enjoy life instead of stressing over it. Because no one else can make me smile and laugh when my daughter makes me want to cry and no one else can inspire me to push past and overcome who I am to be better and to do better than these three ladies!

Thank you!

PEOPLE!!!

2010-04-06T10:27:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Christine kicking my ass... literally cause she is right on it! and my determination to get to the weight I want with the push to keep on going from the oh so inspiring Christine I am joining LHA! more later! this means I will be on here more! Yay for all of you! help us all!

Quickly on the new years resolution... I am doing actually really good this week. I am enjoying my time. Easter was rough cause I was kind of out of it but sat was great and so was friday! I am getting the hang of doing nothing but living! I have been able to really enjoy life and all that it has to offer! and work! I am so loving what I do... The company the opportunity! MY TEAM!!!! Man do I love my team! I only have two under me but the women and men around me helping me every day! its such an amazing feeling to be loved and cherished for no other reason but we are in this together! I feel like that is the reason I am able to enjoy my life more...

Most importantly at this point I am being an inspiration to myself. I have accomplished and over come personal struggles and have taken myself to a whole new personal level! 2010 is the most amazing year so far! I will be back soon to write more! writing is key to keep me going and I plan on making all this happen!

Im not going to post today....

2010-04-01T05:41:00.001-07:00

sorry

what a month

2010-03-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

So, March has come and gone! Wow where does the time go. I have been so bad about keeping up with my blog. I know writing is the ultimate stress releiver for me but between the busy schedule and the constant work I have do to at work, I am swamped and overwhelmed with responsibities.

Now because I have been so neglectful of my blog in turn I have also been neglectful at losing weight. Although I did just lose 1lb! I am proud to say that despite all my responsibilities as of late I am going to be making much more effort to keep up with my weight loss and start working out again. I will being starting a full blown diet and regimen soon enough. I am trying to ween the baby off of breast milk. I am still at once per night. Sometimes I will go a day or two with no nightly feedings... yet resort back to it. I am determined to start strong and get my daughter completely off breast milk for good. I have a feeling she will sleep through the night more and be a little less agitated.

As for the rest of my life, I have been focusing on being mommy most of the time and the rest of the time I have hands down been business driven. I am doing very well for my second month in business. I am driven to keep on going. I am no longer willing to work for someone else. I have made up my mind very clearly! I am going to be working from home soon and I will be doing an amazing job at being successful!

I have a few new goals in the way of weight loss and business... I am staying focused on what is important at this point. I am also staying in tune to my new years resolution.

Now I know that March is not the time to talk about New Years Resolutions but for me it is! I believe that what I am undertaking is a goal that will evoke a life changing experience and is something that takes diligence and persistence. Well lets recap what I am doing...

My New Year's Resolution was to stop and smell the roses. In other wards go out and enjoy life. Don't just be a part of the rat race. Live and enjoy what you are doing. look around and take note of the world around you. So despite this huge undertaking I am taking things with a grain of salt and slowly. I understand this is a process of changing the way I look at life and I live life.

Now after 3 months where am I? Well, its a toss up. I spend more time with my daughter just spending time with her instead of trying to do everything despite her. And I am enjoying my business and the people that I work with thoroughly! When I get to go out for business I am letting everything just take it easy. Being calm and open to the world around me. I try not to rush anything or stress over things that are not in my control. I am also pampering myself with the products. Which is a great accomplishment for me. I am taking care of myself. As for the rest of the time I feel like 45% of the time I revert back to rat race mode do do do. And sometimes I am in that mode and all of a sudden I just stop. Which is progress.

Now I am getting more done each day because I have lengthened my day seeing how I am going to sleep much later. Yet problem being that I am still waking up at the same time and have grown very tired. I am working on a better compromise... I will get there soon enough.

As for everything else. I feel that my progress to enjoy life more has been going very well. I plan to take the rest of the day off too. I am at work and once I get out of here the only thing I have to do is a load of laundry and dinner. Making the rest of my day dedicated to enjoying my daughter's company till she falls asleep tonight. After which I plan on spending time with hubby and not worrying about any responsibilities till Wednesday morning. As for Wednesday I have so much to do that I will be focused on getting everything done that will take me from Thursday till Easter Sunday!

If I do not return before Easter I wish everyone a happy and healthy holiday!

I am here

2010-03-16T10:56:00.000-07:00

well not really "here" but you know what I mean, its been busy busy busy for me! I got the bbstorm, so I actually will be able to blog via phone, maybe it will be a lil easier. life is getting in the way of my writing. which has a neg effect always. But I am staying positive and really enjoying my life right now!

I broke my toe

2010-03-08T18:37:00.000-08:00

So here I am with a broken pinky toe cause my father in law insists on always waxing the wood floors in this house. I was holding baby when we went down and I landed on my toe, it is currently swollen and bruised. I am still debating to take motrin... I am way too much pain to do anything but my poor little heart is broken! hubby didn't care one but that I got hurt or even ask if I was ok... I am not doing good right now... and I am also not talking to him as irrelevant or impossible as it is. I was having a great day most of the day. I got home to no power and my daughter having dry shit all over her ass with a disgusting rash and the worst attitude in the world. but we managed to get through it. but with a broken toe and a hurting heart I feel like shit worse than my lil pinky.

I am besides myself. I really just want to give up at this point. I am done with the injuries I am done with everyone else's crap I am so sick of everything! But there is one thing I am not giving up on.. my business, I am pushing strong and you know whats best when I am a stay at home mom making 3 times what I am making now everyone can go shove it up their asses!

sorry everyone I am in more than a foul mood. I can deal with a broken bone I just can't deal with the rest of this shit...

what a fiasco

2010-03-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

So weight loss right now is such a fiasco! I am still at 146.. it sooo sux butt... but I am going to do this! right now my financial priorities are a lil more important. But while I maintain, hubby is losing weight. I am so proud of him! Like you have no idea how happy it makes me to know that he is really doing this!

I am happy that I have maintained my 146, cause I am not creeping back up and destroying all the work that I have done but it is not where I want to be. I want to be 125, I really do that's where I will be but I need some major kick in the ass. I wish I could lose weight and focus on my business at the moment but I am all over the place at this point it kind of seems pointless to split my focus and miss my qualifications.

I am so pumped with adrenalin right now to move up in qualification and that means that I have to work hard to get there. I also am having problems with the baby since she is under weight and not wanting to eat when she doesn't eat something I wind up eating it and this is becoming a huge problem! BUT none the less I should arrive home today to find my fiber powder to add to my shakes to keep me fuller longer! I know it will deter me from eating when I shouldn't.

I am looking forward to getting my revenue up and streamlining some of my business. So I can focus more on an all around aspect but for right now. my focus is set to one goal. Once I reach that goal I will be back here more to focus on everything else in my life....

Be back soon... sorry for being MIA

Focus

2010-02-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

I feel I have completely lost focus of my new years resolution. I am determined to stay strong but I am all over the place.. And Tired and Cranky SUPER cranky.... I feel that the crankiness stems from the lack of breastfeeding which is a fantastic thing its just messing with my hormones! I also have munchies ALL the time.. I have no idea why.... But it is nice to sleep all night!

There has to be a happy medium somewhere... I have to find solace throughout my day! Not only that I have to keep that with me. a calm and a way to keep that calm. I am losing my temper way too quick I am on edge all the time. It doesn't help with hubby hurting my feelings (although he did apologize) Still I have to rely on myself and keep myself together.....

I do have to say though that hubby despite his normal nature and prob the fact that he is trying to be nice is acting much more affectionate towards me! Which is odd, and wonderful all at the same time!

So as this post demonstrates I need to focus! There has to be a way to channel everything that is going on in my life at the moment. I am overwhelmed and all over the place.

The business is picking up more than nicely! I am enjoying every minute of it. Its not too much to handle and I am working with people I throughly enjoy being around. Since I am "unofficially" done with breastfeeding I am going to start losing weight and dieting. I say unofficially because I am not sure if I am 100% done yet. It has only been 3 full days and that can always change you never know. Although I think my daughter even though it was her decision to stop, is having a hard time with it. She is clingier but I guess I should slow down and spend more cuddle time with her to make up for it right? I am serious about this weight loss at this point too. I am starting a new page now that I finally have my body back! And I plan on having my life and finances back also!

I have big plans for my new business and so far everything is going as planned! I am three weeks in and my March calender is OFF THE CHARTS!!!!! I am excited to see my business grow in leaps and bounds! I still plan on doing more but I will see if my overload can handle all the extra work.

Actually since I am here feeling great about my business but suckie about my body I am going to get a great workout in!

I am determined to be home by the end of the year and I am determined to be in shape by the summer time. I might not be able to wear a bikini but I will still look great!

I am wealthy in spirit, mind, and body! I am working towards making my future the best that it can be. And not even my lack of focus can take that away from me!

Worst Feeling

2010-02-19T10:56:00.000-08:00

The worst feeling in the world is to wake up on a Friday and honestly think its Saturday.

All nice and relaxed thinking I have nothing to do but just relax for the next hour. You know nice warm and cozy. Than it all hits you at once, FUCK, its not Saturday! Its Friday, and I'M LATE!!!!!! No it does not get any worse than that.

Although for all its worth, at least my boss is in a pleasant mood today. Usually he is all crazed and making me pull my hair out, yet today seems like it is going to be a pleasant day after all!

I really dont know about today

2010-02-17T19:06:00.000-08:00

I had a good day. Decent to say the least, productive to say the most and calm to say at best. I wasn't "positive" or peppy today kind of drained and weary but like I said productive. I just kept going and got to where I wanted to be. Me and my daughter didn't fight. We got everything except the bank done (damn atm card doesn't work) I didn't let anything get the best of me... Although on my way home from work I though I was going to get pulled over. I felt like I wanted to die for 20 min! but besides that my day went stress free and just kind of went. I enjoyed it!

As for weight loss. I am doing my shakes every morning. I am maintaining... not going anywhere, the shakes are helping me maintain but I am not really pushing the weigh loss thing.. my neck finally feels better... so that is a plus tomorrow I am going to work out and get back on that horse! I do enjoy working out and I find that that is the only thing that I miss from my daily routine.

So anyway.. I am getting really tired from my very long day. off to bed for me.. I will do more posting tomorrow.

Vday

2010-02-15T13:35:00.001-08:00

While I cook!

2010-02-14T09:57:00.000-08:00

So I am here, cooking away. Besides last night's dinner. I have been eating really well these past few days! I am going to keep it up! I am determined to get back to where I was and get to where I want to. I am determined to lose the rest of this weight. There is nothing that will stop me!

I know that since the new year I have been slacking miserably but I am back to counting my cal and working out. Today I will not be working out cause I seriously hurt my neck sleeping wrong but that doesn't mean that I can't do twice as much tomorrow. I am determined to get rid of my tummy! and I am determined to get my thighs toned and muscular the way they used to be. I am taking care of myself and I am enjoying it along the way! I have incorporated shakes into my meal plan. Once every morning! to give me energy to keep going and vitamins to keep me healthy along the way. I am not going to start a weight loss program yet cause I am still breast feeding but that doesn't mean I can't keep my cal down and my workouts up!

There is a light at the end of this weight loss tunnel! I see it! I can see just the tiniest light! I know its there and thats what makes me want to keep going!

Than after I am done breast feeding I am soo doing a cleanse! I feel so bloated and have a feeling it is the shit that is in me that has to come out! There has to be a reason that I am not feeling the way I was before. I feel like either I have a constant bug or I am so full of shit that I feel like shit!

But That is not something that is going to stop me now! I am determined to make this work. I have to focus on weight loss! I need to stay in control. I need to count cal and hold myself accountable. It has been almost two months that I have been off track. That is way way way too long!

As I smell brownies cooking in the over, I know that those are not for me! I am going to stick by my ground on this one!

Ok well I really hope that everyone is going to have a wonderful Vday! I will be back tomorrow for a vday post. We are celebrating tomorrow, seeing how today will be overwhelmed with people. That, and me and hubby both have off tomorrow! So anyway... Enjoy your day! stay focused and be determined!

XOXO

ps: now to go figure out where hubby went he said he went to the "rondevo point"whatever that is supposed to mean??

anyway...

So

2010-02-12T08:59:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I had another snow day... more like took the day. But lets not get technical. If my car is covered in snow... its a snow day!

Anyway I have been working out for the past two days. I have been feeling tight muscles and it feels GREAT! Also, I have been using the Arbonne products... and WOW! I love them! Of course I was skeptical on the products, that and my own laziness to use facial products but, the line is soo good and my face is soo radiant right now that I am compelled to use the whole system day and night! Which is beyond my realm of accomplishments!

Now I grew up with Mary Kay, and I always though that Mary Kay was soo great... but I do have to say that after reading up on the Arbonne products and the Mary Kay products and comparing them.... Nothing beats Arbonne!

Ok, so this isn't a sales pitch, I know I started as a consultant and what not but I am actually blown away by the products more than I was expected to! For the first time ever I can wear facial lotion and not have an OCD attack! I can use the products and not feel greasy and grimy about it. I've always felt that putting anything on my skin would make me want to take an acid bath to get it off. Yes, unfortunately my OCD is THAT bad! I've been able to control it over the past few years but its an odd love hate relationship.

I do have to say though for the first time my face feels comfortable and hydrated not dry so that I don't freak out and not greasy from any products! And I use the Cleanser, toner, serum, eye cream and day or night cream. Now it seems like soo much, and worse so much work... BUT, For how wonderful my face feels hell I will do it!

Oh and you know whats crazy, I have always had dark circles under my eyes, even when I was younger, The eye cream seriously has gotten rid of it that with just a touch of cover up its invisible! To get rid of my dark circles I used to have to wear cover up (alot of it), than I would put white eye shadow on to reduce the darkness... without makeup my eyes are as dark as they would be with cover up and white eye shadow! So you can imagine how far just a tiny bit of cover up can go now!

Its all soo cool! Now normally this wouldn't be for me a whole face system and what not, scary thing is I am soo enjoying it! I really am! Its crazy I know. And best of all I am taking the time out of every day to TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!

Hell, I should seriously add that as part of my new years resolution. but than again with these products I think it would be kind of easy!

I really want to take care of myself better than I have been. I still have been breaking out because I have been eating just soo badly! I can't help it I don't know why. I really have to focus on eating better and taking care of myself, that includes what I put on the outside, what I put on the inside and what I do, or don't do (AKA working out)

And I want to take the time to relax and enjoy the fact that I am taking care of me! At this point in time Me is VERY important!

well I am off! talk to you later! have a great weekend everyone!

Snow day!

2010-02-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

I have a day off today! Yah! The snow is falling we have a little over half a foot of snow. And there is no sign of stopping anytime soon.

I am enjoying my day off too! I didn't get to sleep in but I have a clean house which is always a great thing. And Last night I spent a lot of quality time just me and my book. I feel its coming together very nicely. And I am even getting to enjoy some time to myself today, Grandpa and Grandma have been taking my daughter ever other hour for an hour. Besides the fact that I have hubby and my brother in law taking over my living room while I type this but its all good.

I am feeling very relaxed today. And I am very much just living life today. If I did nothing today or if I did everything none of it would really matter. I have been taking as much time as possible to enjoy life today. Just hanging out and not worrying about. Ok well, today I am going to spend visiting other bloggers. I miss all my friends and have not had much more than the time I have had to write.

Have a great snow day everyone!

Tuesday's the day- weightloss

2010-02-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

I guess I'm stickn to the old routine over here. Well anyway. I feel great today. I do not feel over weight, I also don't feel skinny I kind of just feel right. And best part I don't feel all bloated and crap! Which is awesome! I am still at 145, not that it bothers me to be at this point but I still want to be 10 lbs less. I can get there. I am taking my time. I am controlling my eating again. Yesterday I did fine but I had 2 cupcakes. One was my breakfast, and one was my snack. Although the rest of the day I ate a whole lot less. I prob averaged 1700-1800 cal. I do wish I didn't have the cupcakes though I would be down at least 500cal. But hey they were football cupcake with butter cream frosting... I caved... and it was sooooo goood!

This week I should be getting my protein shake powder! I am super excited! Why cause when I am really hungry and "need" to eat I will have a protein shake instead! Now I have done Herbalife before, so I know how the shakes smell and taste... and Let me tell you I got to smell the Vanilla Shake Powder on Saturday and I was in heaven! I forgot how damn good it is! I love them! I do really like the Arbonne products though. They have the option to add fiber into your shakes. Meanwhile Herbalife adds protein instead. Both help you feel full and satisfied but the extra fiber will keep you system clean if you know what I mean!

Anyway. I am looking forward to start on a regiment. A more solid plan. I have been dabbling in the workout field again... I am doing good. Its just slow. I am very scared to hurt my shoulder again. I know I have to get over that fear and just go with it, but... I'm sick of being injured!

ALSO.. During my GAG challenged I was determined not only to lose weight and clean out my insides but also to take care of my outsides. Well, we all know I went more green in many aspects. I tried to take some time just to take care of me, well I realized something. Along with my new years resolution I am not only going to slow down and live life more I am also in this for the long haul! I am taking the time and enjoying pampering by body. I feel this business came to me at the right time in my life. It came to me to say WAKE UP! look around, enjoy whats around you! Enjoy yourself! None the less this year is about living!

Hell with such a rough start to this year I am surprised I can still say that! But it is! I am committed to making and striving for more!

Its a new month and a time to restart the beginning of the year!( man am I corny!) I am back on the positive horse and enjoying everything around me!

Bon Jovi and why he is the man of my dreams!

2010-02-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

"Hey man I'm alive. I'm taken each day a night at a time. I'm feeln' like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night.... "

Monday is always about the hustle and bustle of working and getting back to the grind of schedule and responsibilities. Well, Yes I feel very much like Monday at this point. Where I am working hard now to enjoy my Saturdays. I want to enjoy my life and how I live it. I know that every day there is a struggle to keep on going. To keep pushing past a bad mood and to keep my hopes up. Well after reading "The Speed Trap" I have to say that I will do everything that has to get done and just do it. I have a new business and a very strange business philosophy, "Just do, Don't think".

Why Just do? Well easy, no stress. I do not want to stress about my responsibilities that are to be done. I just need to get them done. I met with a my business district manager today, got what I needed and went about my day. Did some learnings and went about my day. I will sit down and read the books she gave me later but I am thoroughly enjoying this just doing without thinking part. I do not feel stressed about what I am doing. And being stress free is the number one way to pick your head up and just enjoy life!

Of course its going to be hard to run a business around family and a 30 hour job. But I plan on sticking to the plan my DM has set up for me. Just do it and it will all fall into place. She is confident enough that it will so I am confident enough that it will too!

Hubby doesn't think the way I think, But it has taken me years to get here and this is not the first health and wellness company that I am a part of sooo, I already know what I am doing. Like I used to work for CVS, well if I went to Walgreens wouldn't it essentially be the same job? So I look at it like this. I am going to do this and I am going to be successful. I didn't stop last time because I couldn't do it. hell I was the best. But School made me choose between a business or going to school. The overhead was too much. Well I will not be having much overhead with this business. I plan to take money in before money goes out and I plan on keeping a profit!

Business is never easy. Yet, neither is life. And I love life so I love a challenge! BRING IT ON! (not the movie)

I am on overdrive a this point!

2010-02-07T08:07:00.000-08:00

So the creative process for my book is doing quite well. I have a lot of jump off points and sooo many ideas just all over the place... but I started a new business! Yes, I did it I went for it! The company is called Arbonne! I am super excited I want to share with everyone how great this company really is! I started yesterday and should have all of my information soon enough. I really want to share with everyone my website. It is a wonderful company with wonderful products. Tilly... Im gonna drop you off some product tomorrow, so you can try it. Let me know when you get home... (I love my neighbor!) I am also going to have some parties for the products in 2 weeks! Be there or be square! I have a feeling that for all my fellow bloggers I will be doing a vlog to showcase everything to you guys so you all don't feel left out. I can't wait to share more with you guys!

On other fronts, My tax return came and half went. It feels so great to pay things off! Never have to worry about paying again next month either! Just freedom! But anyway... I had a really rough week this past week. We had a squirrel invasion! and hubby is officially called the squirrel murderer! hehehe, But I got him good a few times myself! goin' through my daughter's toys and wreck'n our basement.. he deserved what he got! I'm not into animal cruelty or anything but the bastard ruined my week! I had to take a day off to clean up after the mess that was made and it completely threw me into a loop that I still haven't managed to break free from.

I am taking this whole slowing life down seriously. I really want a better life and a more enjoyable life too! I very much enjoyed yesterday and even though I just set myself up on a fast passed business track I do have to say I am trying to remain very calm about the whole situation. I have a very high goal to meet this month for my new Arbonne business, I am taking the bull by the horns on this and running with it! I am doing this to better our future. I have goals I want to meet and EXCEED!

ok I am off! I have tons of work to get done. Already talked to my mom, have loads more to get done! lata people! Have a wonderful superbowl sunday!

Writing

2010-02-01T08:47:00.000-08:00

I started writing last night. I have two pages down and a more detailed outline of things I need to add into the book. I am thoroughly enjoying the writing process. All I have in my head is me and my best friend at this point. And just our ways and my memories are flooding my head at the moment. I love to reminisce on us.Our friendship is deep, our bond is strong and I want this book to portray that. I want it to be a gift to her more than anything. I just got done telling her more in detail about the book, she is psyched! about it. I am having her pick out the names for me... it was the only part I wasn't about to pull out of a hat. I called her character the sassy bitch that brings love and humor... she loves it!

As for names I got loads of help: http://www.halfdan.is/vestur/nofn.htm

I am very happy with my progress! I can't wait to share with you guys!

very little today

2010-01-28T10:20:00.000-08:00

I am in a functioning mood not a writing mood. I did just scan in my essay about control... I soo want to type it up for you all to read it. Anyway there are only two things I have to say:

I am 144.5 today
my nails are pink- shoot me!

which means if I plateau again I will be really pissed and if I don't put some black on top of my pink nails soon I might go crazy...

c ya lata people!

Ah, tax season is upon us

2010-01-27T10:13:00.000-08:00

Lets see from a show of hands how many people already filed their taxes... I DID I DID! yup, im such a nerd! anyway, Its reassuring to know that we will have money soon! Than all of it will go to pay off everything that we owe and than we will be back to nada.. how nice is that! yea right..

anyway, this morning I am still 145.5, I figured you were all dyn to know.... haha!

I do have to say that the TV was a conscious decision for both of us cause it would only cost us 30buck a month but still, not what I wanted to do... anyway, Christine you are right its spoiled husband syndrome! But doing my taxes made me feel much better! Thank god! so, I am going to go plan what to pay off... Lata people!

Being normal has a price!

2010-01-25T07:42:00.000-08:00

So Saturday night I had the grace of god to be able to go out with my friends to the big NYC and have a night of so many laughs I still have a headache! Anyway.. with the cat out the mice do play. I got a txt message from hubby that he bought a new TV, at first I was skeptical but than I felt that he actually would. Anyway turns out he didn't buy the TV while I was out but he did buy the TV yesterday on Sunday... So we officially have a new 46" Sony Bravia in out living room... Did we need it NO, but this is what I get for going out. Hubby's friends say I should go out more often cause than he would have more stuff.. uhh yea, his broke ass already has everything humanly possible. And I was concerned about spending too much when I went out that night... a night actually in the city cost me a car wash for 15bucks, gas 20bucks, bottle of jack for my friends b-day present 30bucks, dinner 36bucks, Oh! and you cant forget .....a new TV that will cost me 30 bucks for the next 36 months....

The face my hubby has had since he got the TV priceless... My face... devastated! Go figure!

Anyway, Since there is nothing I can do about that... I want to say that I had way too much fun on Saturday night to care! I got to spend time with some of my closest friends from highschool and my baby cuz! I haven't seen him in forever and we had the best time ever! Lets put it this way the bar/grill that we went to put us a group of 20 in the basement by ourselves away from the normal people! We got to be as loud and rowdy as we wanted to be! I couldn't drink myself but it didn't matter. The shenanigans that we pulled were more epic because we were sober! Apparently I got abused and raped that night from love taps and a hug! oh yea, it was a long night of way too many wrong comments!

So how did I fair, very well. I have to say that I enjoyed my night, and besides the TV purchase the next day was calm and relaxing... did I do laundry? no, did I work out? no, Did I even make dinner? NO! I did make lunch though.. but anyway. I had a pretty good food weekend, I am currently 145.5, so I am slowly going back down to where I should be.

I also have been having calm days, except for my daughter going crazy! yesterday we were at taget cause hubby broke the garbage can (seriously), so we got the baby her vday presents, and presents for her cuz's and let me tell you my daughter is a lil pisser! every god damn thing she saw she wanted! EVERYTHING, I have no idea why. but she is getting really bad with that. She has plenty of stuff! She doesn't play with her toys instead she trashes all of our DVDs and anything electronic. But whatever, she is for the most part still a very good little girl.

I have been working very hard on this positive thinking and calm aspect of life. I understand but in practice sometimes life just gets the best of you...sooo, practice makes perfect! I will keep at it. I have all year to instill good thinking and positive calm aspects of my life while still being productive. I want to live life not run through it. I am doing quite well I think for the first month. I hope everyone else is also having a productive month so far on their new years

And thank you everyone for your love and support!

weigthloss recap

2010-01-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

So its nearing the end of the month... my weight its 146.5!

I am appalled at myself! I was 141 at the beginning of the month! I am determined to get back on track! fear not! Than again the other day I was 148, and I have been cutting out some cal to start getting back on track. I am quite pissed at myself though. I did all that work to rearrange my storage closet to have access to my treadmill and I still have not used the damn thing once! I have talked about using said I would use it.. what did I do..nada! Anyway I also still have EA Active, the game has been good to me before so I am going to start to use it again! My daughter is getting better with letting me do things here and there. I want to see if this afternoon she will let me work out without me trampling her...

I will do this I know I can! I can back on track and I really want to get back to my original goal of 125! I think that is going to be key at this point! I know how 140 feels I do and 5lbs less doesn't seem like enough. I want to be 125, and it might be a size 4 but I feel that being a size 8 is not where I want to be anymore. Yes maybe I will need new cloths but my body is so oddly shaped that if I don't get rid of all the weight I will never be satisfied! Well off I go!

I get out of work in a few and after the bank and snack time for my daughter I plan on working out and then putting her down for a nap... if she will nap... But I do plan on make a conscious effort every day. I know what I have to do to be successful at weight loss. I can do this. I have come so far from the post preg. weight that I know I can kick off these last few pounds that are unwanted.

I hope everyone is doing good with your weight loss endeavors! keep up the good work everyone! and remember its not about the fact that we fall off the bandwagon its the fact that we get back up, dust ourselves off and keep on going!

The past does not forget the future will not remember

2010-01-21T07:13:00.000-08:00

I will probably be using that title alot...

Anyway, facebook is yet again amazing...amazingly annoying! I have been blogging since I was in high school I have no problem writing out and sharing my feelings over the internet. I have been apart of Xanga since 2002! 8 years later I have not changed and will not change. Actually I didn't blog from 05-09, which means for those 4 years it was quite rough. Anyway, why blog and not get pissed but facebook ticks me off... cause people can look you up on facebook! That's why! With blogging you find your niche with friends and you stay there, you can expand or not and if you don't post a pic no one really knows who you are. Its very much a ghost writer, and if you ask when I publish my books I will have an alias! I will not,never,ever put my name on there....

Also I find on blogs, people base their opinions and options about what you have to say, who you are inside and to me that makes a difference. I enjoy speaking to people on topics that I have written or they have written because quite frankly you are having a meaningful conversation about a topic that has clout or is something that wants to be discussed. Not some random fn' comments on facebook, or some random fn people talk'n to you about god knows what. Worst of all people tryn' to get in touch with you that you want nothing to do with. Give me a blog any F'n day, I will pour my heart out and let the world see it. But FOR GOD'S SAKE GO AWAY!

No, not you, not anyone on my blog I love you all and I love you dearly. I am talking to my ex that I broke up with 6 years ago, he found me on facebook, he msgs me to say hi and wants to know how I'm doing, Really you wanna know how I'm doini, pissed is how I'm doin. GO AWAY, I got you out of my life for a reason. I don't want you in my life and I never want you back in my life. As it is this kid has gotten people against me enough that they want me dead. Seriously, I have to avoid people and places cause of this kid. I had to look like a coward once when me and hubby were dating so that he wouldn't wind up getting hurt. I would have faced the guy head on, but I didn't want anything to happen to hubby. Its one thing for me but now that I also have a daughter I have to watch out for my family! And this bitch wants to say hi! Go fuck yourself!

Anyway.... At least one guy that wants me dead is locked up down south so I don't have to worry much about him... But one lives all of 10 min from where I am. He goes to the same mall, shops in the same stores, lives 1 town over. I have to go to a further away super market cause thats his "stomping grounds"...

and this kid wants to say HI!

now, now that I got that rant out of my system, why do I say the past does not forget, the future will not remember... Well... First off it is my quote. Actually I stole it from a music video, but that's another story.

I believe in strongly living in the present, I would say the future (but that would constitute worry), I have done the whole living in the past and your right. the past never forgets. I have said that line to myself many times growing up that I would never forget but you know what. I can forget I can give up what happened in the past and move from the here and now to what the next 10 min will bring me! I am done with my shady past. I love my life and have nothing against anyone who lives back there but I just can't.

I looked through my ex's pics, guess what he has several pics that I had taken with my camera! he has a pic of me and him! WHY??? I really don't know why. I don't know at all. And I wouldn't talk to him for the same reason I broke up with him. You would think people would better themselves you would think that a 25 year old would stop doing what he did back in high school. I am very mistaken about that. Oh well. My life is my happiness, and I am happy with my life! I have grown and I have matured and I have moved on. Am I still the same damn bitch hell yes I am. But don't f'n bother me in a life you are no longer a part of! So what I broke his little heart, I told him I wouldn't be with someone who did drugs... he didn't care enough too f'n bad. my opinion still hasn't changed... and hubby knows this... that the same thing would happen to him if he did drugs!

So for the fact that I have said many times on this blog I don't change well its true my morals and my way of life is the same! I do what I do and that is it. You want to do what you do stay the fuck out my life!

I don't remember you. You are not part of my life and lets keep it that way!

So I know I already blogged but I have more to say!

2010-01-20T10:30:00.000-08:00

First off, I am at a halt about the apartment search, but I have better news, I went to social services office the other day, cause they wanted to cut my baby's benefits off(not a problem they should be reinstated in 6weeks), But I spoke with the lady and I can reapply for food stamps and "child care" so I can pay my MIL rent without us paying for it and I can save 500 bucks a month on food. Cause for some reason I have been spending an awful lot on food these past few weeks. I think its cause now I am buying food for 3 instead of 2. But anyway. I am happy for this conclusion I was dreading the other day to go all the way out there and deal with this bs but the woman was so nice and helpful! She gave me all the applications and it took no time at all! I am going to be submitting everything this weekend! So that means if 5 weeks we can really get moving with paying off all our bills and starting to look forward!

I also want to say that I seriously plan on working out this afternoon. SERIOUSLY! You know I plan on using the Wii, and that EA active game that collects dust in the corner... yea that old thing!

I have been so out of blog world lately that I just wanted to say that I miss all my friends! I have been going to different blogs throughout the day and enjoying catching up with old friends! I miss you all!

What a wonderful morning!

2010-01-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

I don't think I have ever said that before! Well I am trying to implement the new things I am learning from what I have been reading. I have to say that the power of the though is an amazing concept. Last night I planned to make pancakes for my daughter's breakfast, before I went to work! Now normally I barely get a chance to roll out of bed get cloths on and run late to work. Today I woke up at six and the first though I had in my mind was a positive one, I felt great and was ready to get up! I took 20 min to enjoy and just fill my mind with positive thinking. I didn't have to drag myself out of bed, I hoped right up and jumped into the shower, got all nice and clean, got dressed, had my daughter in toe and took her upstairs for breakfast. I made myself breakfast, made my daughter pancakes, had everything ready, without stress or worry that I would be late. I had time for everything and even played a few min with my daughter. Showed her how I was making the pancakes and was off to work right on time! I got to work on time and have been having a great day so far.

I do have to say that I am going to start enjoying these positive thoughts and calm nature. No reason to over react and no need to feel resentment, anger or frustration with the world around me... That and not worrying. See I was on time today cause I didn't worry about it!

I am really proud of myself. Did I do the dishes and stress over every minor detail like makeup and what not. no, than again I never wear make up to go to work and I never do dishes before I leave so stressing that I didn't do those things didn't change anything.

Do you want to know the best part of my morning? Since I was having a good and happy morning so was my daughter! Of course she tried to get into the shower with me, but I averted that and we both had a great morning without any fighting! YAY! GO ME!

My next step is to eliminate the word uh, from my vocab! I don't want to blog it or say it any more. And when people ask me how I'm doing I plan on saying something positive instead of how stressed and busy I am, even if I am stressed and busy!

I hope everyone else has a great day!

Worry

2010-01-19T19:55:00.000-08:00

The first step of my new year plan will be to get rid of the worry. There is nothing to change the outcome of a situation. Worrying will not change anything. Do any of you constantly worry? Is there something that worrying does for you. I know worrying stresses me out to no avail and it doesn't do anything else. I have to constantly be told by hubby not to worry that that is all I do and its a bad thing that leads to worse! of course I hate the fact that he is always right about that. See I have come to the conclusion about something, hubby never worries what will be will be but he is someone who regretfully lives in the past. Poor guy! anyway I now see that the worrying mind is of a person that lives in the future of events that have not yet happened... well yea sure thats fine I want to see the future and to know what will be but... I have to stop looking at being there and look at how I am getting there. I am not doing it in the best possible way.I have to take a look around and realize that my thoughts can only do so much to perceive and help me get through the here and now. They can not take me to the future nor can they give me the future that I want. Worrying isn't constantly caring and analyzing for an outcome it is trying to predict the future the way we want it... Well Listen Up People!!!! Worrying cant cause or change the future! Ok I said it, more for my sake than anything else.But I have to learn this! It will be the first step that I need to get me out of the blind side that I have in my life. I need to stop trying to predict the future and live now to CHANGE the future. Yet I still can't worry about it, I just have to act about it. If something seems like the right thing to do I will do it.

I have talked so much about moving out and yadayadayada.... I got an email from one of my bff's in regards to my break down the other day, plain and simple she said to let it be, that it was ok, Things will turn out the way they should and I should stop worrying and just wait to see what happens.

I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so if I move my fingers it will cause a reaction for something else that will happen for a reason. Whatever that reason may be... so every passing day something will take its time to happen and help us through this time. There is nothing that will change what is going on and nothing that my worrying will do.

I feel better with this realization, I can take life one step at a time and everything will be just fine!

Here is to a new day! Go get em tiger!

On with my new year!

2010-01-19T13:01:00.000-08:00

I actually feel quite energized today. I am getting back to my normal self. still no workout which is quite depressing on many levels but we will leave that alone for now.

Now I have talked often about my new years resolution to slow down and "smell the roses" so to speak. I am trying my hardest to take a step back and enjoy life. I have been doing good on some days and on other days I feel like I can't do anything but bee-line my way through the day till I fall asleep at night.

I actually almost spent some time at the library today, me and my daughter were looking through some books at the little baby table they have. I would have stayed much longer but she was getting super cranky. So we left. I am trying my hardest here to sit down and take my time...

I have started to read a new book called "Speed Trap", I have only started the intro but I feel its a great read and a much better investment to look forward to where I want to be. Already I can see what the author is trying to say. I have the same ideals as him, yet I do not use them. Maybe this book will help me focus on whats important and real instead of the unnecessary.

I am taking this little by little like I have said before, but it is half way through January already and I have no idea where the days went! I need to enjoy everyday I have and live it cause maybe there won't be a tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow won't be like today. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Well there are too many maybe's to worry. I want to just enjoy my days. I have a life of enjoyment and excitement in front of me!

I am taking it for what it is and going with it! Of course I am getting a little help but in life we all need help. And for me "Ms. I do everything on my own" that is a BIG deal!

Well off to go read and Enjoy life!

I hope you all have a wonderful day and take today as a special day to just be you. Don't let life consume you! Consume your life, Live your life and most of all love yourself for doing it!

bad day...what else is new

2010-01-15T07:07:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a bad day,
Car problems, dislocated my shoulder again (I can't get it back in), and I had to take my princess for blood work, they poked her twice..momma sad

Today will be another long and agonizing day, I have to go over to social services building before they cancel my baby's medicaid... damn assholes, I am in pain and quite tired :(

Have been doing really shitty with my cal count I am bloated and I know I gained some weight. I will be back on track tomorrow, I am just losing my patience today.

I hope everyone realized that I changed my name... oh well, talk to you peeps lata! busy busy busy..

I am hoping to get internet back tomorrow at home so I can actually take time to check in with all my friends, Miss you all!

baci

better

2010-01-13T07:37:00.001-08:00

I spent some time yesterday with my friend, I got all the details that he left out the few times I talked to him. It feels good to just talk and get it out of your system every once in a while. Even if all you can talk about is grief. I am feeling much better today, I know that I have to keep on going with my life here... Its a new year and a new beginning!

I want to push forward in a happy and upbeat manor. I spent all day yesterday sulking and miserable. Moving forward makes me feel better about myself and what I need to do. I enjoyed last night when hubby got home, we had a nice dinner with a cranky child, he did dishes for me and we just got to hang out. I love spending time with my hubby. I really do, and it made me feel much better.

I am going to be starting to write this week/weekend. I am very excited and anxious to get started. So much is going through my head, I know that getting it all out on paper will make life for me much easier. Also taking and making a storyline will be more than a wonderful thing. I love being creative. The best part is I will not have to share my creativity till it is all complete! I am not about flaunting or people intruding. That's the great part about having a "PC" or laptop, its quite private.

I need my private and solitude.

Anyway what I will be doing today in my solitude will be walking on the treadmill. I finally have it accessible and want to use it. I will feel much better after a nice long walk/jog.

I want to start being more physically active this year, working out.. whatever. I still have weight that I want to get rid of so I will do this slowly. ok thats my recap.. I got to go head back to life!

death all around me...

2010-01-12T05:55:00.000-08:00

So, I have to say that even though you might not have directly known someone their passing can be a depressing and un-nerving event.

I have a very good friend of mine and one thing we had in common was our relationship with our best friend, well his best friend just passed away on 1/3/2010. She was beautiful and smart and always loving. The love I have for her was the love I had for my best friend, She cared and loved my friend they were soul mates and couldn't live without each other. My friend is suffering very badly through his loss it is hard for me to even fathom what it would be like to be in his shoes right now. I want to cry every time I think about this. And to think, I never met her. But I feel like through my friend I have known her a life time. When you have a soul mate you emulate them through your own being. You are them and they are you. The hurt and pain is swelling inside of me, I can't break free from the pain I feel. I feel as if a part of me was ripped out of my soul. I feel horrible that a part of my good friend has died and there is nothing that can be said or done to make amends. Not even time.

Now as for my best childhood friend, the godmother of my daughter and someone that is my sister more than just a friend I have another loss. A person that has fought her life and lived it happily. My friend's loss was of someone who spent much of her past 10 years in a hospital. Yet she enjoyed life to the fullest, spending every second she could happy and fulfilling. Did she wind up passing because of her love to live life, yes, but she had a great life for what she had and was not afraid to go when her time came, her time came this past week. A belive that she embraced her own passing as she embraced her life.

Both of these ladies will be fondly missed and loved, for their own ability to love. I know that both of them will protect my friends from above and continue to love them. I know that a death means that they are no longer present but that they still remain with us in us. It is now my turn to stand strong as these ladies did to be there for my friends when they need me most.

down.. no internet

2010-01-07T05:45:00.000-08:00

Down with no internet at home. Its ok though, I had a huge post to write yesterday but I can just recap for you now.

I have my book, I got the final details in my head yesterday morning on the way to work. It is going to be a whole lot more intricate that I had previously planned. I have alot of work to do to get me started on writing the actual story.

the line that I will use to describe the book is as follows:
when an intricate woman inspires a hedonist man to attempt love.

That will be the basis of the story line, yet there will be a big part of the book that involves friendships and soul mates. And most of the male characters personal will be replaced by my bff's persona. Even though she will be apart of the book. Essentially, its one person with 2 best friends that find themselves in a relationship, two people who shouldn't be together.

of course writing this book would completely throw off the other book I had in mind about soul mates but that is why novels don't have to be a series! I have a feeling this one will be maybe two or three books but my soul mate book will be more on the lines of "life of Pi" instead of a main stream novel.

Anyway, I have to start doing major research. Problem is where do I set the book to take place, half will be NY/Long Island, the other I have to choose, I can do Iceland. But I have a feeling that will cause too many problems. But I know what I want to incorporate into the book. And there is a lot that has to do with the scenery of Iceland. Oh well, I guess it will just be taking place in Iceland and I will have to deal with the bs from people later. I am using 3 actual people in my life for this book. SO.... I know I will trip along the fact that they will not be happy. But I know that my bff will get over it.

So The book takes place in Iceland and NY area, There are 3 main characters, both connected through one person. There relationship to "her" is from childhood, and now in adulthood they meet. Two very difficult people and very different people. An odd relationship develops between the two of them. she goes home, leaves him behind.... but he doesn't leave her alone

Book two, would be a continuation on one, Prologue would be comunications between the two of them, with the bff involved in the middle. Essentially the book would be placed in two different locations the entire time. Till the end when he shows up at her door step. (with something of hers)

Book three, Prologue would be his trip in ny, short and sweet, business only with a side of romance. The book than will start to develop more rapidly over the span of a year, each one making their part to be with the other. Bff soo stuck in the middle and not happy one bit. She never wanted this, she feels left out and alone.

Book four, Prologue bff understands whats going on and feels better about the situation. unwilling to settle, she is forced upon his request for one last visit to Iceland, through their week together she realizes that maybe this is the one, yet she returns home anyway. As a hedonist pursuant of what he wants, he gets the girl.

Ok so that works out better, and its 4 books. Now knowing me those 4 books could easily be 500 pages long each, But I want to max each book at 300. I'm going to start writing the books this week. Shouldn't take me more than a month to write out the first book. I will add in the intricate detailing after I get the main story down. So each book should be written by month.

Book 1: end of feb
book 2: end of march
book 3: end of april
book 4: end of may

Than I will start adding to and editing the first book to be done for the end of the year. I am figuring that it will prob take me a good 6 months to finish the final touches on each book. I also want to talk to my cuz who has 2 books out about publishing them. than most importantly I need to have my pen name down straight. I have way too many options, and its bothering me. I can't and will not put my actual name on the books. but thats just a personal thing. Anyway. There you have it. This will be what I am up against this year.

Funny thing is one of my best friends on facebook yesterday posted that she will be starting to write her own novel too, I guess bff's are bff's for a reason.

Also great news, after the holiday and all the crazy I decided to hold off on weighing myself till today I am 141.5! I think that is a great way to start off the new year! I am 6.5lbs away from my ultimate goal! I feel great, a lil bloated but that's no biggie. Also I have still been having major problems with my shoulder over here. I have pt tonight so I am so hoping to get taped up and start feeling better. I am going to be using my other blogs more too this year so check them to see what else is going on in my life....

feeln better

2010-01-04T12:19:00.000-08:00

So, since I am feelin a little better I was wanting to write about what I am looking forward to this coming year.

First off I am looking forward to what I already started. I have gotten my body back and want to lose the remainder of the weight along with keeping it off in a healthy way.

I know this will be something that will come easy if I stay on top of myself. I have to be strick in my plan to work out and make healthy choices... working out now there is something that I have to keep up with! It will help me thoughly! I need to be persistant! I will be starting with once a week for the month of Jan! I think I should be able to handle that. I am starting very slow because I am injured. I want to do more but I have to keep low for a little while. I will start to feel better soon. And I will not let myself go because I do not feel good. That is not an option. I know working out will make me feel better. It might take me a week to recover over and over again but a work out is and will always be a healthy thing in my eyes.

Now, Second. Being paperless. I have been very good about staying paperless. I actually just finished scanning anything that I had from 2009, So its a fresh start and a fresh year! I plan on making it stay like that. Also I have manuals and crazy things like furnitue assembly directions. I want to see if I can get rid of those too. I know the furniture assembly stuff I can scan its not alot and can easily be gotten rid of once scanned. My plan is to be completly paperless and bookless. I have gotten rid of some books and I have much more to get rid of. I still have to write down all the titles and give them to my cuz, but I already have my ereader set up and have several if not too many books already. I know that I should buy books that I need to add to my collection but I can do that at any time. I am enjoying being able to read more. Best part is I can read whenever I want to at work because the ereader lets me download any books on any computer... anyway...

I want to take better care of myself. I know my GAG challege was supposed to be a main focus on me and all of me not just my weigh but I still find no time or energy to do my hair/nails/makeup. I have to start making the effort though. There are alot of reasons for me to take better care of my apperance, I just have to find a happy medium with my OCD.

Now as for living my life to the fullest. I have to plan things that need to be done better so that I can have more time to enjoy what I am actually not having "to do". I am very much enjoying the fact of being able to read but I have to be able to read without getting sucked in and also be able to get tasks accomplished quickly.

I know it all seems weird written but in actuality I want a simpler life. I want a fuller life and I want a happier life. I want to enjoy my days without having to say uhhh, what a day. I am always perky and happy but I am never feel accomplished and relaxed all at the same time. I want to have a well rounded feeling about my life.

The way to get there might be hard but one day at a time I know that I can make changes in my life. Do I really know where to start, no but I feel that taking this task day by day is the only way to accomplish anything. I mainly plan on just not thinking too much about the on goings of life and just focus on the hear and now. But as I do that I also have to plan to accomplish tasks sometime and enjoy the rest of my time. I have been trying to plan things that need to get done with my daughter awake instead of asleep so that I can better enjoy some down time to read or take care of myself when my daughter is sleeping. I know this almost seems backwards but I have been killing myself durring nap times and I feel if I do the opposite maybe relaxing is more of what I need. I can than fidget and do while she is awake and not worry about waking her. Yes she will make life a little harder but she is getting better and not so distructive.

Well so far that is all I have... I will be back tomorrow for more of my new year and where I want to be by the end of this year...

I plan on writting myself a new beining and a better future.

Not to mention writting a few books along the way....

Sorry for being MIA for the past few days

2010-01-02T17:49:00.000-08:00

Well I think its been more than a few days that I have not been around. Yet, I feel as though I am getting back to being me. This week I had a complete mental breakdown, along with a phyical one but those I always have.

I have not been feeling like myself lately and I know I need to start being me again. I have a new years resolution to enjoy life more and live more instead of just doing more. Yet I know that this will not magically happen the first week of the new year. I am hoping that by the time June roles around I got the hang of this enjoying life thing. Along with accomplishing other things too...

But before I can live my live I have to get out of this hole I dug myself into... I know that I do love myself and my life but not being happy right now is killing me.

Alot of it has to do with what I call my savior and my death all at once.... OCD... Now normally I would never talk about such a dear topic but I feel that the more my struggle continues the more I have to face the music. I have to find myself a happy medium before I can start feeling better. This will be the hardest thing for me.

I know that this doesn't make sense but my OCD I have been activly fighting for years. I have fought them so much that they almost went away. And now that I sit here I need my OCD to keep on going.. without them I can not be the mother I want to be. I can not be the wife that Hubby wants me to be and I sure as hell can't be happy with myself without my OCD. I know none of this is comprenhendable but somewhere along the lines of pregnancy/motherhood and weightloss I lost myself. I let it happen. Yet I am astranged from myself and the world around me.

I have been reading lately to get rid of my sense of self and forget about my problem, yet just the same as alcohol once your sober, you realize that none of your problems went away. I have helped hubby overcome his anger/OCD, he still has OCD but he doesn't have the anger that went along with it.

I on the other hand have grown tired and helpless without my rituals and constant knowlege of life around me. I have much to do to get back to being me and feeling better. I am taking a big step forward this year and fixing my life. I have much to do, and many projects and goals to accomplish. I will make huge strides this coming year. I hope you will all be hear to witness it. I have to go "clean up" my act. So I will see you all tomorrow......

140.0

2009-12-23T05:25:00.000-08:00

so I went to go take my pic of my scale and guess what I found to my surprise?

Yup that says 140.0! Now I will have my 16 week challenge as 141.5 but to wake up and see 140 even, it did really make my day! and I do feel it too! my jeans slipped right on and I am wearing a normal bra(no more nursing bra for this momma!) I feel great in my cloths! I am loving this! I can't wait to see all the comments I get on xmas from everybody! I have 5 more lbs to go thats it!