Tuesday, September 21, 2010

life is really hard to keep up with

When do you know maybe its too late? when its too late to fix something that is broken? is there a deadline? is there a way out? what if it doesn't work? will someone tell us what is wrong? or will it be more time wasted? do you move on to something better? will there ever be something better? or are we always destined for the same thing over and over again? do we only get one chance? can we go back if it was the wrong choice? does the hurt go away?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

WOW, I dont know if I'm disturbed by this revelation or hurt

So, last night I was told by my wonderful hubby that everyone, well at least everyone he talks to thinks that I act/am/portray myself or whatever... aka, I act like I am better than everyone.. wow, ok. That's a revelation... seeing how that's the last thing that I have ever felt. HA! actually most the time I feel I'm not good enough. And odd to think that hubby feels that I act as if I am better than him too.. Sorry I have confidence in who I am. Thats about all it is... that and most the people he mentioned don't know me and have never taken the time to get to know me... so they only know that I am closed off. Because yes I am a very private person (aka, most people dont know I blog)... and I don't know most people who said this about me... don't give me the time of day so I don't give them the time of day.. I think that is fair enough. One person in particular is my brother in law, I think we all know me and him do not get along... so if he is around, I shut my mouth lift my head up high and proceed to be closed off and uptight because I don't want to say or do anything to give him ammo to make my life more miserable. oh wait... my brother in law is everywhere we go... soooo, how do you think I'm going to act. And how do you think people are going to see me... and I don't drop everything to spill my heart out to someone who doesn't give a crap about me... sorry... I'm just being myself I am completely real with the world around me even when my mouth is shut with my head held high...

Maybe people see that I don't gossip or talk about celebrities thinking I'm above them..  no I think its rude to talk about other people and I don't have time to involve myself with some stranger's life... let them live their life and let me live mine... If its a friend am I going to be concerned and want to know if something is wrong... YES!!!! am I going to go repeat it to someone else... HELL NO!

Do I think my shit don't stink... yea I do! I am Italian... I do think I am the greatest and best ever! But at the same time I never have though I am better than someone... I have never know myself to put myself above someone else..I put my personal responsibility above others, my family comes first... that's me my daughter and hubby... Sorry if they are the only true people that matter most to me... yes MANY people I do care about... but they come first... and you know what I shouldn't be sorry about that! I am a mother and a wife.. than a friend...

And I say I feel disturbed about this because my personality is not to care... I don't care what others think... and I know this.. well no I do care, I care when its someone like my sister in law (my bo's wife) coming to me so that we can understand each other better and she can express how she feels... her opinion matters. She is an amazing person! and she cares about me enough and I whole heatedly care about her. otherwise I feel that no other people's opinions don't matter.. hubby's friends who only see me when my brother in law is around... do they matter when they think about me acting "stuck up"... hell their g/f don't think that... but they get to know me... we have a great time.. and when they ask us what we are laughing and going on about we all reply "NOTHING" and laugh some more...

So I feel a lil disturbed about the fact that I don't care but I do care just not the same way others do... you can blab about me all you want... but you don't know me... so what does your opinion matter? anyway... the hurt part... that hubby actually thinks I might be like that... even tho he hears how I feel all the time.. he listens to me when everything falls apart and knows that I usually feel like not only does my shit stink... mostly I feel I am shit... and that's true because I grew up in a house where no matter what I did good bad. noble peace prize.. didn't matter I would never be good enough or never amount to anything in life... So I've lived with that for 21 years... what do you think I am going to do.. Of course I am going to have self confidence I fought that every step of the way! I always knew I was someone of importance! to someone... not to everyone not to the world...  But there are people in my life that value me and that's where I get my confidence from... and if you don't value me... well I close the door and let you know you can't hurt me! sorry its not going to happen...

Am I different than most hell yes... Do I like the way I am hell yes.. Can other people not handle it.. of course... but I dont expect anyone to change for me or do things for me.. I just do it for myself.. I'm not selfish its not all about me, I don't expect others to wait on me hand and foot... I don't expect others to do what I say (oh wait no that I do do..) haha but that's joking around with friends... and they get it... otherwise I don't joke with them about it...

you know, I've been told many times I'm direct confident and in control... yea I am and I love it! and ALOT of people love that about me! If they can't handle it why should I change and why should it affect me??? I've done the whole change for others to make them happy... it doesn't work out very well you wind up being miserable! I'm not miserable! and I don't want to be miserable! sooo, that's about that... I am a little hurt that hubby feels that way, I did talk to him and he does understand and know that I am not really like that... just I close myself off to others... and I explained to him that him, my bff and our daughter are the only one's who really really know me... and I don't tell my bff things about our private relationship so she doesn't know everything... I think what hurt more is that hubby took other people opinions of me as his own...

although somewhere inside I still am laughing at all of this.. me better than anyone... yea right... tell that to my father... he who always said "you will never be anything of importance in life" ahahaha! so yea I still get a laugh out of all of this... I am me and I can't change nor do I want to! I love who I am and its just going to be that way...

Monday, September 13, 2010


crazies last few days and next two weeks... but wanted to say I am down 2 lbs! xoxo people!


Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5