Thursday, January 28, 2010

very little today

I am in a functioning mood not a writing mood. I did just scan in my essay about control... I soo want to type it up for you all to read it. Anyway there are only two things I have to say:

I am 144.5 today
my nails are pink- shoot me!

which means if I plateau again I will be really pissed and if I don't put some black on top of my pink nails soon I might go crazy...

c ya lata people!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Ah, tax season is upon us

Lets see from a show of hands how many people already filed their taxes... I DID I DID! yup, im such a nerd! anyway, Its reassuring to know that we will have money soon! Than all of it will go to pay off everything that we owe and than we will be back to nada.. how nice is that! yea right..

anyway, this morning I am still 145.5, I figured you were all dyn to know.... haha!

I do have to say that the TV was a conscious decision for both of us cause it would only cost us 30buck a month but still, not what I wanted to do... anyway, Christine you are right its spoiled husband syndrome! But doing my taxes made me feel much better! Thank god! so, I am going to go plan what to pay off... Lata people!

Monday, January 25, 2010

Being normal has a price!

So Saturday night I had the grace of god to be able to go out with my friends to the big NYC and have a night of so many laughs I still have a headache! Anyway.. with the cat out the mice do play. I got a txt message from hubby that he bought a new TV, at first I was skeptical but than I felt that he actually would. Anyway turns out he didn't buy the TV while I was out but he did buy the TV yesterday on Sunday... So we officially have a new 46" Sony Bravia in out living room... Did we need it NO, but this is what I get for going out. Hubby's friends say I should go out more often cause than he would have more stuff.. uhh yea, his broke ass already has everything humanly possible. And I was concerned about spending too much when  I went out that night... a night actually in the city cost me a car wash for 15bucks, gas 20bucks, bottle of jack for my friends b-day present 30bucks, dinner 36bucks, Oh! and you cant forget .....a new TV that will cost me 30 bucks for the next 36 months....

The face my hubby has had since he got the TV priceless... My face... devastated! Go figure!

Anyway, Since there is nothing I can do about that... I want to say that I had way too much fun on Saturday night to care! I got to spend time with some of my closest friends from highschool and my baby cuz! I haven't seen him in forever and we had the best time ever! Lets put it this way the bar/grill that we went to put us a group of 20 in the basement by ourselves away from the normal people! We got to be as loud and rowdy as we wanted to be! I couldn't drink myself but it didn't matter. The shenanigans that we pulled were more epic because we were sober! Apparently I got abused and raped that night from love taps and a hug! oh yea, it was a long night of way too many wrong comments!

So how did I fair, very well. I have to say that I enjoyed my night, and besides the TV purchase the next day was calm and relaxing... did I do laundry? no, did I work out? no, Did I even make dinner? NO! I did make lunch though.. but anyway. I had a pretty good food weekend, I am currently 145.5, so I am slowly going back down to where I should be.

I also have been having calm days, except for my daughter going crazy! yesterday we were at taget cause hubby broke the garbage can (seriously), so we got the baby her vday presents, and presents for her cuz's and let me tell you my daughter is a lil pisser! every god damn thing she saw she wanted! EVERYTHING, I have no idea why. but she is getting really bad with that. She has plenty of stuff! She doesn't play with her toys instead she trashes all of our DVDs and anything electronic. But whatever, she is for the most part still a very good little girl.

I have been working very hard on this positive thinking and calm aspect of life. I understand but in practice sometimes life just gets the best of you...sooo, practice makes perfect! I will keep at it. I have all year to instill good thinking and positive calm aspects of my life while still being productive. I want to live life not run through it. I am doing quite well I think for the first month. I hope everyone else is also having a productive month so far on their new years

And thank you everyone for your love and support!

Friday, January 22, 2010

weigthloss recap

So its nearing the end of the month... my weight its 146.5!

I am appalled at myself! I was 141 at the beginning of the month! I am determined to get back on track! fear not! Than again the other day I was 148, and I have been cutting out some cal to start getting back on track. I am quite pissed at myself though. I did all that work to rearrange my storage closet to have access to my treadmill and I still have not used the damn thing once!  I have talked about using said I would use it.. what did I do..nada! Anyway I also still have EA Active, the game has been good to me before so I am going to start to use it again! My daughter is getting better with letting me do things here and there. I want to see if this afternoon she will let me work out without me trampling her...

I will do this I know I can! I can back on track and I really want to get back to my original goal of 125! I think that is going to be key at this point! I know how 140 feels I do and 5lbs less doesn't seem like enough. I want to be 125, and it might be a size 4 but I feel that being a size 8 is not where I want to be anymore. Yes maybe I will need new cloths but my body is so oddly shaped that if I don't get rid of all the weight I will never be satisfied!  Well off I go!

I get out of work in a few and after the bank and snack time for my daughter I plan on working out and then putting her down for a nap... if she will nap... But I do plan on make a conscious effort every day. I know what I have to do to be successful at weight loss. I can do this. I have come so far from the post preg. weight that I know I can kick off these last few pounds that are unwanted.

I hope everyone is doing good with your weight loss endeavors! keep up the good work everyone! and remember its not about the fact that we fall off the bandwagon its the fact that we get back up, dust ourselves off and keep on going!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The past does not forget the future will not remember

I will probably be using that title alot...

Anyway, facebook is yet again amazing...amazingly annoying! I have been blogging since I was in high school I have no problem writing out and sharing my feelings over the internet. I have been apart of Xanga since 2002! 8 years later I have not changed and will not change. Actually I didn't blog from 05-09, which means for those 4 years it was quite rough. Anyway, why blog and not get pissed but facebook ticks me off... cause people can look you up on facebook! That's why! With blogging you find your niche with friends and you stay there, you can expand or not and if you don't post a pic no one really knows who you are. Its very much a ghost writer, and if you ask when I publish my books I will have an alias! I will not,never,ever put my name on there....

Also I find on blogs, people base their opinions and options about what you have to say, who you are inside and to me that makes a difference. I enjoy speaking to people on topics that I have written or they have written because quite frankly you are having a meaningful conversation about a topic that has clout or is something that wants to be discussed. Not some random fn' comments on facebook, or some random fn people talk'n to you about god knows what. Worst of all people tryn' to get in touch with you that you want nothing to do with. Give me a blog any F'n day, I will pour my heart out and let the world see it. But FOR GOD'S SAKE GO AWAY!

No, not you, not anyone on my blog I love you all and I love you dearly. I am talking to my ex that I broke up with 6 years ago, he found me on facebook, he msgs me to say hi and wants to know how I'm doing, Really you wanna know how I'm doini, pissed is how I'm doin. GO AWAY, I got you out of my life for a reason. I don't want you in my life and I never want you back in my life. As it is this kid has gotten people against me enough that they want me dead. Seriously, I have to avoid people and places cause of this kid. I had to look like a coward once when me and hubby were dating so that he wouldn't wind up getting hurt. I would have faced the guy head on, but I didn't want anything to happen to hubby. Its one thing for me but now that I also have a daughter I have to watch out for my family! And this bitch wants to say hi! Go fuck yourself!

Anyway.... At least one guy that wants me dead is locked up down south so I don't have to worry much about him... But one lives all of 10 min from where I am. He goes to the same mall, shops in the same stores, lives 1 town over. I have to go to a further away super market cause thats his "stomping grounds"...

and this kid wants to say HI!

now, now that I got that rant out of my system, why do I say the past does not forget, the future will not remember... Well... First off it is my quote. Actually I stole it from a music video, but that's another story.

I believe in strongly living in the present, I would say the future (but that would constitute worry), I have done the whole living in the past and your right. the past never forgets. I have said that line to myself many times growing up that I would never forget but you know what. I can forget I can give up what happened in the past and move from the here and now to what the next 10 min will bring me! I am done with my shady past. I love my life and have nothing against anyone who lives back there but I just can't.

I looked through my ex's pics, guess what he has several pics that I had taken with my camera! he has a pic of me and him! WHY??? I really don't know why. I don't know at all. And I wouldn't talk to him for the same reason I broke up with him. You would think people would better themselves you would think that a 25 year old would stop doing what he did back in high school. I am very mistaken about that. Oh well. My life is my happiness, and I am happy with my life! I have grown and I have matured and I have moved on. Am I still the same damn bitch hell yes I am. But don't f'n bother me in a life you are no longer a part of! So what I broke his little heart, I told him I wouldn't be with someone who did drugs... he didn't care enough too f'n bad. my opinion still hasn't changed... and hubby knows this... that the same thing would happen to him if he did drugs!

So for the fact that I have said many times on this blog I don't change well its true my morals and my way of life is the same! I do what I do and that is it. You want to do what you do stay the fuck out my life!

I don't remember you. You are not part of my life and lets keep it that way!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

So I know I already blogged but I have more to say!

First off, I am at a halt about the apartment search, but I have better news, I went to social services office the other day, cause they wanted to cut my baby's benefits off(not a problem they should be reinstated in 6weeks), But I spoke with the lady and I can reapply for food stamps and "child care" so I can pay my MIL rent without us paying for it and I can save 500 bucks a month on food. Cause for some reason I have been spending an awful lot on food these past few weeks. I think its cause now I am buying food for 3 instead of 2. But anyway. I am happy for this conclusion I was dreading the other day to go all the way out there and deal with this bs but the woman was so nice and helpful! She gave me all the applications and it took no time at all! I am going to be submitting everything this weekend! So that means if 5 weeks we can really get moving with paying off all our bills and starting to look forward!

I also want to say that I seriously plan on working out this afternoon. SERIOUSLY! You know I plan on using the Wii, and that EA active game that collects dust in the corner... yea that old thing!

I have been so out of blog world lately that I just wanted to say that I miss all my friends! I have been going to different blogs throughout the day and enjoying catching up with old friends! I miss you all!

What a wonderful morning!

I don't think I have ever said that before! Well I am trying to implement the new things I am learning from what I have been reading. I have to say that the power of the though is an amazing concept. Last night I planned to make pancakes for my daughter's breakfast, before  I went to work! Now normally I barely get a chance to roll out of bed get cloths on and run late to work. Today I woke up at six and the first though I had in my mind was a positive one, I felt great and was ready to get up! I took 20 min to enjoy and just fill my mind with positive thinking. I didn't have to drag myself out of bed, I hoped right up and jumped into the shower, got all nice and clean, got dressed, had my daughter in toe and took her upstairs for breakfast. I made myself breakfast, made my daughter pancakes, had everything ready, without stress or worry that I would be late. I had time for everything and even played a few min with my daughter. Showed her how I was making the pancakes and was off to work right on time! I got to work on time and have been having a great day so far.

I do have to say that I am going to start enjoying these positive thoughts and calm nature. No reason to over react and no need to feel resentment, anger or frustration with the world around me... That and not worrying. See I was on time today cause I didn't worry about it!

I am really proud of myself. Did I do the dishes and stress over every minor detail like makeup and what not. no, than again I never wear make up to go to work and I never do dishes before I leave so stressing that I didn't do those things didn't change anything.

Do you want to know the best part of my morning? Since I was having a good and happy morning so was my daughter! Of course she tried to get into the shower with me, but I averted that and we both had a great morning without any fighting! YAY! GO ME! 

My next step is to eliminate the word uh, from my vocab! I don't want to blog it or say it any more. And when people ask me how I'm doing I plan on saying something positive instead of how stressed and busy I am, even if I am stressed and busy!

I hope everyone else has a great day!

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


The first step of my new year plan will be to get rid of the worry. There is nothing to change the outcome of a situation. Worrying will not change anything. Do any of you constantly worry? Is there something that worrying does for you. I know worrying stresses me out to no avail and it doesn't do anything else. I have to constantly be told by hubby not to worry that that is all I do and its a bad thing that leads to worse! of course I hate the fact that he is always right about that. See I have come to the conclusion about something, hubby never worries what will be will be but he is someone who regretfully lives in the past. Poor guy! anyway I now see that the worrying mind is of a person that lives in the future of events that have not yet happened... well yea sure thats fine I want to see the future and to know what will be but... I have to stop looking at being there and look at how I am getting there. I am not doing it in the best possible way.I have to take a look around and realize that my thoughts can only do so much to perceive and help me get through the here and now. They can not take me to the future nor can they give me the future that I want. Worrying isn't constantly caring and analyzing for an outcome it is trying to predict the future the way we want it... Well Listen Up People!!!! Worrying cant cause or change the future! Ok I said it, more for my sake than anything else.But I have to learn this! It will be the first step that I need to get me out of the blind side that I have in my life. I need to stop trying to predict the future and live now to CHANGE the future. Yet I still can't worry about it, I just have to act about it. If something seems like the right thing to do I will do it.

I have talked so much about moving out and yadayadayada.... I got an email from one of my bff's in regards to my break down the other day, plain and simple she said to let it be, that it was ok, Things will turn out the way they should and I should stop worrying and just wait to see what happens.

I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so if I move my fingers it will cause a reaction for something else that will happen for a reason. Whatever that reason may be... so every passing day something will take its time to happen and help us through this time. There is nothing that will change what is going on and nothing that my worrying will do.

I feel better with this realization, I can take life one step at a time and everything will be just fine!

Here is to a new day! Go get em tiger!

On with my new year!

I actually feel quite energized today. I am getting back to my normal self. still no workout which is quite depressing on many levels but we will leave that alone for now.

Now I have talked often about my new years resolution to slow down and "smell the roses" so to speak. I am trying my hardest to take a step back and enjoy life. I have been doing good on some days and on other days I feel like I can't do anything but bee-line my way through the day till I fall asleep at night.

I actually almost spent some time at the library today, me and my daughter were looking through some books at the little baby table they have. I would have stayed much longer but she was getting super cranky. So we left. I am trying my hardest here to sit down and take my time...

I have started to read a new book called "Speed Trap", I have only started the intro but I feel its a great read and a much better investment to look forward to where I want to be. Already I can see what the author is trying to say. I have the same ideals as him, yet I do not use them. Maybe this book will help me focus on whats important and real instead of the unnecessary.

I am taking this little by little like I have said before, but it is half way through January already and I have no idea where the days went! I need to enjoy everyday I have and live it cause maybe there won't be a tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow won't be like today. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Well there are too many maybe's to worry. I want to just enjoy my days. I have a life of enjoyment and excitement in front of me!

I am taking it for what it is and going with it! Of course I am getting a little help but in life we all need help. And for me "Ms. I do everything on my own" that is a BIG deal!

Well off to go read and Enjoy life!

I hope you all have a wonderful day and take today as a special day to just be you. Don't let life consume you! Consume your life, Live your life and most of all love yourself for doing it!

Friday, January 15, 2010

bad day...what else is new

Yesterday I had a bad day,
Car problems, dislocated my shoulder again (I can't get it back in), and I had to take my princess for blood work, they poked her twice..momma sad

Today will be another long and agonizing day, I have to go over to social services building before they cancel my baby's medicaid... damn assholes, I am in pain and quite tired :(

Have been doing really shitty with my cal count I am bloated and I know I gained some weight. I will be back on track tomorrow, I am just losing my patience today.

I hope everyone realized that I changed my name... oh well, talk to you peeps lata! busy busy busy..

I am hoping to get internet back tomorrow at home so I can actually take time to check in with all my friends, Miss you all!


Wednesday, January 13, 2010


I spent some time yesterday with my friend, I got all the details that he left out the few times I talked to him. It feels good to just talk and get it out of your system every once in a while. Even if all you can talk about is grief. I am feeling much better today, I know that I have to keep on going with my life here... Its a new year and a new beginning!

I want to push forward in a happy and upbeat manor. I spent all day yesterday sulking and miserable. Moving forward makes me feel better about myself and what I need to do. I enjoyed last night when hubby got home, we had a nice dinner with a cranky child, he did dishes for me and we just got to hang out. I love spending time with my hubby. I really do, and it made me feel much better.

I am going to be starting to write this week/weekend. I am very excited and anxious to get started. So much is going through my head, I know that getting it all out on paper will make life for me much easier. Also taking and making a storyline will be more than a wonderful thing. I love being creative. The best part is I will not have to share my creativity till it is all complete! I am not about flaunting or people intruding. That's the great part about having a "PC" or laptop, its quite private.

I need my private and solitude.

Anyway what I will be doing today in my solitude will be walking on the treadmill. I finally have it accessible and want to use it. I will feel much better after a nice long walk/jog.

I want to start being more physically active this year, working out.. whatever. I still have weight that I want to get rid of so I will do this slowly. ok thats my recap.. I got to go head back to life!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

death all around me...

So, I have to say that even though you might not have directly known someone their passing can be a depressing and un-nerving event.

I have a very good friend of mine and one thing we had in common was our relationship with our best friend, well his best friend just passed away on 1/3/2010. She was beautiful and smart and always loving. The love I have for her was the love I had for my best friend, She cared and loved my friend they were soul mates and couldn't live without each other. My friend is suffering very badly through his loss it is hard for me to even fathom what it would be like to be in his shoes right now. I want to cry every time I think about this. And to think, I never met her. But I feel like through my friend I have known her a life time. When you have a soul mate you emulate them through your own being. You are them and they are you. The hurt and pain is swelling inside of me, I can't break free from the pain I feel. I feel as if a part of me was ripped out of my soul. I feel horrible that a part of my good friend has died and there is nothing that can be said or done to make amends. Not even time.

Now as for my best childhood friend, the godmother of my daughter and someone that is my sister more than just a friend I have another loss. A person that has fought her life and lived it happily. My friend's loss was of someone who spent much of her past 10 years in a hospital. Yet she enjoyed life to the fullest, spending every second she could happy and fulfilling. Did she wind up passing because of her love to live life, yes, but she had a great life for what she had and was not afraid to go when her time came, her time came this past week. A belive that she embraced her own passing as she embraced her life.

Both of these ladies will be fondly missed and loved, for their own ability to love. I know that both of them will protect my friends from above and continue to love them. I know that a death means that they are no longer present but that they still remain with us in us. It is now my turn to stand strong as these ladies did to be there for my friends when they need me most.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

down.. no internet

Down with no internet at home. Its ok though, I had a huge post to write yesterday but I can just recap for you now.

I have my book, I got the final details in my head yesterday morning on the way to work. It is going to be a whole lot more intricate that I had previously planned. I have alot of work to do to get me started on writing the actual story.

the line that I will use to describe the book is as follows:
when an intricate woman inspires a hedonist man to attempt love.

That will be the basis of the story line, yet there will be a big part of the book that involves friendships and soul mates. And most of the male characters personal will be replaced by my bff's persona. Even though she will be apart of the book. Essentially, its one person with 2 best friends that find themselves in a relationship, two people who shouldn't be together.

of course writing this book would completely throw off the other book I had in mind about soul mates but that is why novels don't have to be a series! I have a feeling this one will be maybe two or three books but my soul mate book will be more on the lines of "life of Pi" instead of a main stream novel.

Anyway, I have to start doing major research. Problem is where do I set the book to take place, half will be NY/Long Island, the other I have to choose, I can do Iceland. But I have a feeling that will cause too many problems. But I know what I want to incorporate into the book. And there is a lot that has to do with the scenery of Iceland. Oh well, I guess it will just be taking place in Iceland and I will have to deal with the bs from people later. I am using 3 actual people in my life for this book. SO.... I know I will trip along the fact that they will not be happy. But I know that my bff will get over it.

So The book takes place in Iceland and NY area, There are 3 main characters, both connected through one person. There relationship to "her" is from childhood, and now in adulthood they meet. Two very difficult people and very different people. An odd relationship develops between the two of them. she goes home, leaves him behind.... but he doesn't leave her alone

Book two, would be a continuation on one, Prologue would be comunications between the two of them, with the bff involved in the middle. Essentially the book would be placed in two different locations the entire time. Till the end when he shows up at her door step. (with something of hers)

Book three, Prologue would be his trip in ny, short and sweet, business only with a side of romance. The book than will start to develop more rapidly over the span of a year, each one making their part to be with the other. Bff soo stuck in the middle and not happy one bit. She never wanted this, she feels left out and alone.

Book four, Prologue bff understands whats going on and feels better about the situation. unwilling to settle, she is forced upon his request for one last visit to Iceland, through their week together she realizes that maybe this is the one, yet she returns home anyway. As a hedonist pursuant of what he wants, he gets the girl.

Ok so that works out better, and its 4 books. Now knowing me those 4 books could easily be 500 pages long each, But I want to max each book at 300. I'm going to start writing the books this week. Shouldn't take me more than a month to write out the first book. I will add in the intricate detailing after I get the main story down. So each book should be written by month.

Book 1: end of feb
book 2: end of march
book 3: end of april
book 4: end of may

Than I will start adding to and editing the first book to be done for the end of the year. I am figuring that it will prob take me a good 6 months to finish the final touches on each book. I also want to talk to my cuz who has 2 books out about publishing them. than most importantly I need to have my pen name down straight. I have way too many options, and its bothering me. I can't and will not put my actual name on the books. but thats just a personal thing. Anyway. There you have it. This will be what I am up against this year.

Funny thing is one of my best friends on facebook yesterday posted that she will be starting to write her own novel too, I guess bff's are bff's for a reason.

Also great news, after the holiday and all the crazy I decided to hold off on weighing myself till today I am 141.5! I think that is a great way to start off the new year! I am 6.5lbs away from my ultimate goal! I feel great, a lil bloated but that's no biggie. Also I have still been having major problems with my shoulder over here. I have pt tonight so I am so hoping to get taped up and start feeling better. I am going to be using my other blogs more too this year so check them to see what else is going on in my life....

Monday, January 04, 2010

feeln better

So, since I am feelin a little better I was wanting to write about what I am looking forward to this coming year.

First off I am looking forward to what I already started. I have gotten my body back and want to lose the remainder of the weight along with keeping it off in a healthy way.

I know this will be something that will come easy if I stay on top of myself. I have to be strick in my plan to work out and make healthy choices... working out now there is something that I have to keep up with! It will help me thoughly! I need to be persistant! I will be starting with once a week for the month of Jan! I think I should be able to handle that. I am starting very slow because I am injured. I want to do more but I have to keep low for a little while. I will start to feel better soon. And I will not let myself go because I do not feel good. That is not an option. I know working out will make me feel better. It might take me a week to recover over and over again but a work out is and will always be a healthy thing in my eyes.

Now, Second. Being paperless. I have been very good about staying paperless. I actually just finished scanning anything that I had from 2009, So its a fresh start and a fresh year! I plan on making it stay like that. Also I have manuals and crazy things like furnitue assembly directions. I want to see if I can get rid of those too. I know the furniture assembly stuff I can scan its not alot and can easily be gotten rid of once scanned. My plan is to be completly paperless and bookless. I have gotten rid of some books and I have much more to get rid of. I still have to write down all the titles and give them to my cuz, but I already have my ereader set up and have several if not too many books already. I know that I should buy books that I need to add to my collection but I can do that at any time. I am enjoying being able to read more. Best part is I can read whenever I want to at work because the ereader lets me download any books on any computer... anyway...

I want to take better care of myself. I know my GAG challege was supposed to be a main focus on me and all of me not just my weigh but I still find no time or energy to do my hair/nails/makeup. I have to start making the effort though. There are alot of reasons for me to take better care of my apperance, I just have to find a happy medium with my OCD.

Now as for living my life to the fullest. I have to plan things that need to be done better so that I can have more time to enjoy what I am actually not having "to do". I am very much enjoying the fact of being able to read but I have to be able to read without getting sucked in and also be able to get tasks accomplished quickly.

I know it all seems weird written but in actuality I want a simpler life. I want a fuller life and I want a happier life. I want to enjoy my days without having to say uhhh, what a day. I am always perky and happy but I am never feel accomplished and relaxed all at the same time. I want to have a well rounded feeling about my life.

The way to get there might be hard but one day at a time I know that I can make changes in my life. Do I really know where to start, no but I feel that taking this task day by day is the only way to accomplish anything. I mainly plan on just not thinking too much about the on goings of life and just focus on the hear and now. But as I do that I also have to plan to accomplish tasks sometime and enjoy the rest of my time. I have been trying to plan things that need to get done with my daughter awake instead of asleep so that I can better enjoy some down time to read or take care of myself when my daughter is sleeping. I know this almost seems backwards but I have been killing myself durring nap times and I feel if I do the opposite maybe relaxing is more of what I need. I can than fidget and do while she is awake and not worry about waking her. Yes she will make life a little harder but she is getting better and not so distructive.

Well so far that is all I have... I will be back tomorrow for more of my new year and where I want to be by the end of this year...

I plan on writting myself a new beining and a better future.

Not to mention writting a few books along the way....

Saturday, January 02, 2010

Sorry for being MIA for the past few days

Well I think its been more than a few days that I have not been around. Yet, I feel as though I am getting back to being me. This week I had a complete mental breakdown, along with a phyical one but those I always have.

I have not been feeling like myself lately and I know I need to start being me again. I have a new years resolution to enjoy life more and live more instead of just doing more. Yet I know that this will not magically happen the first week of the new year. I am hoping that by the time June roles around I got the hang of this enjoying life thing. Along with accomplishing other things too...

But before I can live my live I have to get out of this hole I dug myself into... I know that I do love myself and my life but not being happy right now is killing me.

Alot of it has to do with what I call my savior and my death all at once.... OCD... Now normally I would never talk about such a dear topic but I feel that the more my struggle continues the more I have to face the music. I have to find myself a happy medium before I can start feeling better. This will be the hardest thing for me.

I know that this doesn't make sense but my OCD I have been activly fighting for years. I have fought them so much that they almost went away. And now that I sit here I need my OCD to keep on going.. without them I can not be the mother I want to be. I can not be the wife that Hubby wants me to be and I sure as hell can't be happy with myself without my OCD. I know none of this is comprenhendable but somewhere along the lines of pregnancy/motherhood and weightloss I lost myself. I let it happen. Yet I am astranged from myself and the world around me.

I have been reading lately to get rid of my sense of self and forget about my problem, yet just the same as alcohol once your sober, you realize that none of your problems went away. I have helped hubby overcome his anger/OCD, he still has OCD but he doesn't have the anger that went along with it.

I on the other hand have grown tired and helpless without my rituals and constant knowlege of life around me. I have much to do to get back to being me and feeling better. I am taking a big step forward this year and fixing my life. I have much to do, and many projects and goals to accomplish. I will make huge strides this coming year. I hope you will all be hear to witness it. I have to go "clean up" my act. So I will see you all tomorrow......


Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5