Tuesday, November 30, 2010

YAY! I did it!!!

I singed my life away! HAHA!

I signed up for the gym yesterday!!!!

Please be happy for me! I am so excited to be going back! best part of all my baby LOVES the kids area!!!! she wouldn't leave and as soon as I put her down she RAN away from me! I know it will provide her with great exercise every day! She will have loads of fun and interaction with other kids... while momma gets her fitness on!!!! I actually start tomorrow!!!! YAY ME! unless I decide to go tonight after baby goes to sleep???

It so sounds like an idea! All I know is I'm extremely happy that I was able so shed the 4lbs that I gained from thanksgiving! Cause I was feeling very crappy this past weekend with all that extra weight. Although I was really bad last night. After writing the check for my gym membership... I finished off the bag of Salt and Vinegar chips I bought last week and forgot about! Great! hehe, its ok its almost TOM and I kind of needed it. Feeling a lil bloated but not too much thank god!

Over all I am in a much better mood! I had a wonderful thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving day was hell, Baby was soo bad! but after alot of sleep between thur night and fri. Sat and sun she was so pleasant and we really enjoyed ever second together! I know that when I am home I always feel centered. it is my place to be. I also know that after a while I need time out and to let lose. But I feel that being out too much I start to lose everything around me. Also with all this pent up frustration and stress going to the gym will wind up being my savior!

I'm also just in a being mood, I don't feel happy/sad/up/down... I just kind am being/living/doing. it feels very calming actually. I have a packed schedule starting tomorrow, and I am kind of just going through it and enjoying it.

I am off to live for the rest of the day! my busy days have almost become joyous to a point! I know it wont last forever. my weekend of solitude brings joy between my busyness!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Shifting my perspective

So I am going to shift my perspective today. I have been really down for the past 4 days. I met up with a lovely lady named jen last night. Who happens to be a writer, and we both came to the same conculsion.
When we are not writing our world falls apart!

So why am I putting myself in that situation? Understandable I have been super busy at work but that is not an excuse for my mental health. I can not rely on other to vent to because I know I only get more worked up. I can always work through my own problems within my writings. I always feel better and have an outstanding day, because I put into perspective where I am, where I want to be, and What I am being to get where I want!

I know many times the things I say might not make too much sense to some but to others, I can demonstrate that being is a way of life. Being who I want to be to get what I want.

I love myself I love my life, its just some days I dont feel like being much. Granted these days will always happen. I will always have an off day or week. Mostly on those days I dont write. I need space and time to be myself. To be able to express myself for self understanding and acceptance. I dont blog for others. I never have. I love my blog community but we all know that I am a lone blogger. (haha that sounds so funny!)

Ok so anyway, where have I been in the past few weeks that brings me to this point. I have let go of the past I have moved on and in doing so sometimes I try to remember why I was there, should I go back to having those feelings or being that way? Than I think to myself no, cause it doesn't matter I have moved on! And in moving on I feel empty. Not because I have moved on unwillingly. I have let go of my past, and in that light hearted feeling. I kind of feel lost. My ways and perspective has changed into something else. And in that is where I feel lost. I have no reaction set to fall back on no known area to relate to.

and even though in the beginning the feeling was uplifting and powerful. Sometimes I feel like I used my past as a crutch. And in doing so now I only have myself to hold onto. Which is a wonderful ideology and way of being. Yet, since all of this is still new, my legs are shaky and have yet to find their stance. Along with the onslaught of crap constantly hitting me! I am overwhelmed and flying by the seat of my pants over here! My mind needs focus my life needs focus and I need order! I need to reset priorities and have an agenda that stays set in stone. A way of order within my chaos to calm me.

Now the question is what are my priorities: My daughter, my business, my family. After that is friends and going out or doing what I want. My dilemma, the more I'm out networking, the more my business can grow. Yet I've been spending the wrong focus when it comes to my business in networking. I have not been around the correct people. I need to reset where I am and what I am doing. There is time to just be with friends and there is time to be networking. These are two vastly different focuses. I need to understand this! And I need to lighten up on myself. I have been in a very bad habit of brow beating myself. The harsher I am on myself the worse things are going to be.

I am focusing on adjusting how I react and what my focus is. I have no crutch so its all up to me. My actions, decisions, focus, all of this is my choice! I have a choice! I can not let other influence me or persuade me in any sort of direction. I am different I am independent. I am strong in my beliefs, and most importantly I am loving in everything that I do. I have not shown much love to the people around me. I have been shielding and reserving it solely for my daughter. But there is no limit to love. I can share with everyone and never worry about not having enough for her. She is my world. But I am part of a world where love is lacking. Why can't I be the light in people's day, bring a smile to someone's face. The more I love the world around me the more my daughter will learn to love too. Especially in this hard transition for her. Understanding that love is limitless and that being vulnerable and open to what is around us can benefit her in ways that I can not. I am jaded I am already formed. Yes I can change but everyone can regress. My baby has the opportunity to start with love and only know a positive and happy world. I want to share that with her.

So shifting my perspective, I am going to stand on my own two feet in the name of love, in the name of vulnerability and acceptance. I am going to take strides in what I do. Set a clear intent to what I do. Focus on the journey as well as the outcome! And most importantly I am going to recommit to this every day! I might falter I might sway, yet knowing that I can get right back up and start over means it will be ok! What happen 20 min ago can not change what will happen 5 min from now. Its about being who I am and what I want to be within this moment. Not waiting for the moment to come or pass... but to embrace it.

I will embrace what I have and accept that I am powerful enough to take on any and all challenges. Nothing can hold me back and nothing should hold me back. Being strong not for myself but for the world of love around me!

And you want to know where I am going to start? IN THE GYM! I need to focus and refocus my energy of feeling better about myself along with being and sharing my love. I want to love myself and feel better about myself.. More than I already do! I am being more in tune with my body and how I feel. the past few days that emotionally I have been upset and withdrawn I have been in constant pain... These two things go hand in hand. They are not what I want and if I don't want them I have the choice to change it! I have a choice to live my life my way! I am making the changes to be what I want!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

new pants

I am thinking in another week im going to need new pants (well I have pants just switch to smaller ones) cause Im back down to 148!!! and my pants keep falling off!!!!! YAY!!!! thats all for right now. I am working towards getting back and getting ahead! making a difference and being the difference! last few days have been slumpsville but I feel great again and things are always looking up! Keeping my head up hight!

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Friday, November 05, 2010

Actuall "weightloss blog" post

Today I am still 151, I am up from the 148 I was two weeks ago, but I was that low because I just wasn't eating. Problem is I am eating about 2000 or so cal a day! Now why? because that enables me to eat anything and everything my little heart desires! In there is the kicker! If I shed out a few cal oh 500 or so, I could start losing weight. Along with starting to work out I am set for a great way to really start getting back the body that  I want! Now to just start to regulate myself. This has become very hard this week with being sick and being that TOM, everything feels like its up in the air.

You know when you just have those off days. Yea, its been an off week for me. But I am determined to BE much more conscious of what I am doing! I finally have fizzie tabs again. So I will have energy and feel much more alive! THANK GOD! my cfs has been really bad these past two weeks with the weather change. But I have been pushing past all of that. Things will be getting better, I know they will. I have to be what I want before getting what I want. And really staying focused on living for now and what I have in my life.

But tonight I am going to be doing major de-cluttering.. Thank god, I feel like it will clear my mind and help me refocus and take on a new page in my life. Losing weight! ALL AROUND! Losing the baggage and the love handles! hehehe! My goal by the end of the year is 140! that is just shy of 2 months and 10lbs. I can do that. I need to keep this weight off too. I think that's where the gym will sooo come in handy! I cant wait!!!!

My outlook is very positive I just need to stick with it! I want to stick with it. and I need to be consistant!

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

On the rocks

What I feel odd is that me and my daughter sometimes feel like we are on the rocks... The split is hard enough, but me and her are always fighting now. Yes, she is two. I just get this vibe that she does not want to be with me. Other times we are fine, but its like an overwhelming feeling of hurt and resentment on her end. She gets me so worked up tho, and always pushes my last nerve. Problem is if I try to stay calm and just assert authority as her mother without yelling or getting mad she starts crying because she gets upset???? My mom is really helping to get through this, its just not easy at all. Although she did sleep most of the night in her new bed!!!

I am happy that she sort of likes her new bed. But I sometimes feel like I'm having a pissing contest with her father for who can do more and better to make her happier... Which is just not cool at all! I don't want her to favor one over the other. Or who gives her more, does more, whatever. But it is not easy. I was thinking to buy her the buzz and woody plush dolls, to add to her collection, but honestly I can get them for her for Christmas! I'm doing as best I can for her right now. She does not need material things to make her happy! I know it will be a tug a war, for quite a while but I refuse to give in!!!!!  Most importantly I can't let it upset me! I need to be strong and keep myself whole to be there for her. I refuse to compare or be better than anyone else I will do my thing and that's it!  Just remembering this will help tremendously!!!

As for me, because of this I feel myself slipping, I know its that time of month, I know that its the change in weather... but honestly! I am looking for improvement and change! Brighten up my surroundings!!! Give more love, more of myself and be vulnerable enough to show who I am! Currently I am also sick which isn't helping but I have to just put mind over matter and overcome that!

Weight loss wise I am apparently back to my old ways I eat everything and anything I want and just stay the same.. which is not where I want to be! I'm still getting my finances in order to start up my gym membership. I am excited about that! I have much to look forward to be where I want to be, and at least I know what I want! Which is so important. Sometimes I feel like I lose that, but I find it again in time. I also know that soon enough I will have it too! Getting through the hurdles are what I need to focus on right now.

Also this is an idea that I have been toying around with the past few days living minimally aka under 100 items. now I have though about getting rid of clutter bla bla bla, I am paperless for gods sakes! I don't know if the number really means much to me as more the idea. Living within my means, I have a washer/dryer why do I need 10000000 million/bazillion sock? do I need 50 different pj's? does my daughter need more cloths/shoes she is just going to grow out of? She has about a dozen stuffed animals at my house, I had a collection of over 300 stuffed animals( I got rid of those), did having them or not having them change things for me? DO I NEED ALL THIS EXTRA STUFF???

I feel like I need to do a major inventory, to really figure out what I need and dont need... Bags I have not touched? can i really part with them? what about shoes, I need new shoes can I get rid of old ones? Like my daughter only has 1 bowl and 3 plates and 2 sippy cups. That's ALL she needs... I need to go on a diet! Get rid of my excess baggage! for the past three years I did not accumulate anything new for myself. but being back at my parents I have stuff I left behind... I think its finally time to overcome more than just being paperless. Granted I will keep most of my bags, BUT do I NEED all of them? Can I get rid of 5 cheep bags and buy one good one? can I do that 10 times over? so I have 10 bags instead of 50? I have 4 pairs of boots, 1 I NEVER wear, 2 are ruined and the last one I wear almost every day. Can I get rid of the other 3? when I have the money buy the boots Ive wanted? but why hold on to 3 for no reason?

These are alot of questions for myself to face. I guess its hard to get rid of so much. But things need to change right? My business is growing, I have no inventory, why should I carry personal inventory of items I no longer need or use. Honestly, I prob will never be able to get rid of most of my cloths, but I could get rid of my maternity cloths, I could do with fewer socks, all my "crappy" shirts I can get rid of... There is alot of improvements I can make slowly... Even though this is coming all about at once. Seeing how this weekend I am going to be getting a storage unit for all my "stuff", Although Im not getting rid of my kitchen things and household linens. Along with decorations. Yet, there is much That I can do! That maybe... just maybe I can get a smaller unit! (cause god knows I cant keep on using my parents dining room as a storage bin).

well this is just whats going on in my life, maybe me and my daughter feel too cramped and its causing problems? who knows... but change is coming personally, professionally (well moving upwards), and emotionally!

I am being optimistic today, along with love!


Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5