Friday, October 29, 2010

Excited!!! BEYOND BELIEF!!!

So I really dont know how I am holding in all this excitement but....

Now I know this means nothing to you all but... this girl:

Does not live in the US, Ive been friends with her since the 5th grade. We are inseparable!  Except for the ocean the physical distance that keeps us separated.  Well this morning she just informed me that her job here in NY, will continue! They asked her to stay!!!! So even though she isn't exactly here in the same area as I am she is in the same state and only a train ride away! Enough for me to see her 1-2 time a month instead of once every 3 years!!!! And seeing how she is on my cell phone plan... I get to talk to her WHENEVER!!!!!

I am happier than a pig in shit! I will be picking her up from the train this afternoon and I have the weekend with her!!! I am so happy! My horoscope said that an old dream will come true, one that I have given up hope on... well..... I know this is a dream come true!

Will I always see, thats cool we lead two very different lives. I am very busy and she works 15 hour days. Yet we make the time to be completely involved in each others lives. Even tho, me and animals dont get along (she works with horses) and ms bff and kids do not mesh (as I am a mother). HAHA! its the weirdest thing to put us together, she is tall I am short. We might be opposite in so many ways but she is my soul mate and knows everything about me. she loves and accepts everything about me, and this goes both ways!

She is second only to my daughter, and she knows this! (does wonders for her ego), But I can finally say even tho I am a home body and dont do much, she brings out the best/worst in me! I am going to enjoy spending once a month late nights parting it up in the city. I never have before and I think its time I start enjoying it! It so won't be all the time but I am going to love it when it happens than go back to my life of solitude...Although I wouldn't call my crazy life solitude... but at the end of the night I enjoy most being at home and cuddling in the living room just hangn out with my mom, and if my daughter would cooperate her too!

Best part of all is ms bff, goes back home to iceland for the holidays... so what is a girl to do? I have my sis (aka cuz) coming from italy!!! for those two weeks!!! And I am going to enjoy that more than anything. it has been three years since I have seen her. And I am soo excited! at lest I wont be babysitting 2 people while with my daughter... haha! cause we all know people from out of town soo need to be babysat! But I have loads of work to do before my cuz gets here! AND I CAN'T wait!!!!

My life is exciting and invigorating! Day after Day! Maybe some times I have low points but they are nothing in comparison to the high I feel most of the time!!!!

Being excited! What are you being today???

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I'm going back to the gym!!!

I've decided to start up my gym membership again!!!! YAY! I loved going to the gym constantly, I really did. I have to find out some more info, but they have a child care area so I can go midday with my little one! she can have fun playing and so can mommy!!!! Right now money is tight but I plan on starting up hopefully for december. The catch is since it would be too cold to play at the park, baby can play indoors!!! they have an awesome set up for kids! She will get to run around and have loads of fun! I will try to go next weekend, while daddy has her, and see what they say. Now that I have the money I need to take care of myself! and I LOVE, to listen to music and walk/run... do whatever! its so relaxing! I am excited about this!!! VERY EXCITED!!!!

I lost 7lbs after I moved out of my ex house. I am eating much better! I just have to get back to being fit! being active and I dont want the winter to stop me! I am on a roll!!!!

I have more to do to get back on track. I had a nice long talk last night with the person that I spoke about yesterday. Ive moved on. its the most amazing feeling ever. I also got in touch with old friends, and am proactive to being committed to my daughter/happiness and business! I am spending time with friends and family that mean the world to me. and soon enough all those old patches that have held me back will be broken and I will move past any and all barriers that stand in my way.

My first goal is to get my finances in order. Once I do that I am going to be planning for the future. And than start to take advantage of things that I have not been able to for so long. The gym, buying my ebooks! Feeding my body physically and intellectually!

I want to live for now and be proactive towards my future! Things are changing! Life is happening and I am going to go full force forward!!!!

A few things in my near future are:
A gym membership
Fixing my CAR!!!! 
gymnastics/swimming classes for baby
Advanced Momentum training
Trip to italy ... mommy only... :(
Vaca with the baby for the summer!!!!
Than pre-k for the baby!!!! AHHH!

wow so much to come for next year! and to think my new years resolution was to stop and smell the roses! I really have slowed down my life to enjoy it more! and because of that I can enhance and enrich it with more activities to love the life I live!!!

And this is what happens when your single with all this left over money! haha! and my business growing! WOW!!!! No one can hold me back!!!!

Onward and upward!!! Hope everyone has an empowering day!!!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Today is a bad day in the middle of all the good days

So, I miss my blog dearly... I have been MIA for such a long time. It hurts not to write here. But So much has happened in the past month. I am currently a single mommy. Ain't that fun? Although I am happy about this aspect I feel much better, less stress and better over all about where my future is going. I am currently living at home with my parents. Not where I want to be but your most comfortable at home right? Anyway, its been too long for me to get my feelings out. For me to say what I want to say. I have moved on in my life from a very bad relationship. He has no idea how much I suffered, so much so that when I look back now all I see is relief. My blog knows I hurt, he still doesn't get it. But that's fine I have moved past such hurt. My dilemma right now is how do I move forward in all other aspects.

I have hurt from others still. I am working through that and being responsible for my reactions. My reactions because I have realized that I have been reacting to hurt from past situations. Hurt that never went away. And even tho it did go away and I feel better knowing about it, understanding and accepting responsibility for it. deep down inside there is still rejection, I still feel abandoned by the whole thing. Knowing that this will never be completely resolved and I may never fully walk away from this hurts. Even though I understand that my results driven, where it didn't matter what else was going on and who else was involved as long as I received what I was after. Which is wrong and I hate myself for it.

But now am I being resentful against myself? Where does this madness end? I feel like I still want to go after what I want.. But I am taking into consideration others that are apart of this, yet, where does the line get drawn? where do you give up and move on or simply keep giving in? Ive been hurt and I know I have, but that was the hurt of a 14 year old girl. its 10 years later, do I pick up the pieces and move on or stick around and wait out the storm? should I waste more time waiting? The feelings I had all those years ago were right, I was told that I was right. But what about now? am I right? do I still know what I am doing?

More importantly how do I move on and put the past behind me. It has haunted me for the past 10 years. Does it just automatically go away? or does it fade away slowly. Some days I am filled with love, other days I only have love for myself, and other days like today I feel completely rejected in every scene. rejected by the ones who do love me, rejected by myself and rejected by the world around me. But most importantly by the people that I want in my life. I know that I can not stand any level of rejection and I guess this is what my problem is but, as secure and self sufficient as I am why does it really matter?

Dont ever let your CIRCUMSTANCES ever get in the way of your COMMITMENT!!!
Now what are my circumstances though? Where I live my life and the lives of others
My commitment? ha, its all about my daughter and my business... makes me wonder why I am so hung up about something else, problem is I have a commitment to a circumstance that I have no relation to. Other people's lives and other people's reactions. What kind of commitment? A commitment to be apart of it, yet, none of that has to do what my commitment should be.  
Than I think, well is that commitment just a circumstance? I just happen to be apart of something that I can not control and should I just let it be because it is not apart of my true commitment? A commitment that really matters? and than how do I shift my perceptive to commit and continue recommitting to what I want and not what I might have fallen into?  How do I differentiate the two to stay focused on what is truly important? 
 There is so much that I now know and see, yet I need to take a step further and let go of my fears and hurt, along with my own personal perceptions and wants and needs, and just focus on being what I want out of life and the rest will follow. Taking this journey a day at a time just to keep discovering and rediscovering where I am and where I am going and how I want to do all of this. Not for anyone but myself! I just need to remain committed to this and follow through. Never letting other people circumstances or even my own slow me down.  


Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5