Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Today is a bad day in the middle of all the good days

So, I miss my blog dearly... I have been MIA for such a long time. It hurts not to write here. But So much has happened in the past month. I am currently a single mommy. Ain't that fun? Although I am happy about this aspect I feel much better, less stress and better over all about where my future is going. I am currently living at home with my parents. Not where I want to be but your most comfortable at home right? Anyway, its been too long for me to get my feelings out. For me to say what I want to say. I have moved on in my life from a very bad relationship. He has no idea how much I suffered, so much so that when I look back now all I see is relief. My blog knows I hurt, he still doesn't get it. But that's fine I have moved past such hurt. My dilemma right now is how do I move forward in all other aspects.

I have hurt from others still. I am working through that and being responsible for my reactions. My reactions because I have realized that I have been reacting to hurt from past situations. Hurt that never went away. And even tho it did go away and I feel better knowing about it, understanding and accepting responsibility for it. deep down inside there is still rejection, I still feel abandoned by the whole thing. Knowing that this will never be completely resolved and I may never fully walk away from this hurts. Even though I understand that my results driven, where it didn't matter what else was going on and who else was involved as long as I received what I was after. Which is wrong and I hate myself for it.

But now am I being resentful against myself? Where does this madness end? I feel like I still want to go after what I want.. But I am taking into consideration others that are apart of this, yet, where does the line get drawn? where do you give up and move on or simply keep giving in? Ive been hurt and I know I have, but that was the hurt of a 14 year old girl. its 10 years later, do I pick up the pieces and move on or stick around and wait out the storm? should I waste more time waiting? The feelings I had all those years ago were right, I was told that I was right. But what about now? am I right? do I still know what I am doing?

More importantly how do I move on and put the past behind me. It has haunted me for the past 10 years. Does it just automatically go away? or does it fade away slowly. Some days I am filled with love, other days I only have love for myself, and other days like today I feel completely rejected in every scene. rejected by the ones who do love me, rejected by myself and rejected by the world around me. But most importantly by the people that I want in my life. I know that I can not stand any level of rejection and I guess this is what my problem is but, as secure and self sufficient as I am why does it really matter?

Dont ever let your CIRCUMSTANCES ever get in the way of your COMMITMENT!!!
Now what are my circumstances though? Where I live my life and the lives of others
My commitment? ha, its all about my daughter and my business... makes me wonder why I am so hung up about something else, problem is I have a commitment to a circumstance that I have no relation to. Other people's lives and other people's reactions. What kind of commitment? A commitment to be apart of it, yet, none of that has to do what my commitment should be.  
Than I think, well is that commitment just a circumstance? I just happen to be apart of something that I can not control and should I just let it be because it is not apart of my true commitment? A commitment that really matters? and than how do I shift my perceptive to commit and continue recommitting to what I want and not what I might have fallen into?  How do I differentiate the two to stay focused on what is truly important? 
 There is so much that I now know and see, yet I need to take a step further and let go of my fears and hurt, along with my own personal perceptions and wants and needs, and just focus on being what I want out of life and the rest will follow. Taking this journey a day at a time just to keep discovering and rediscovering where I am and where I am going and how I want to do all of this. Not for anyone but myself! I just need to remain committed to this and follow through. Never letting other people circumstances or even my own slow me down.  


  1. it is a new day too.

    your day and NO ONE CAN SLOW YOU DOWN unless you decide to let them.




Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5