I have hurt from others still. I am working through that and being responsible for my reactions. My reactions because I have realized that I have been reacting to hurt from past situations. Hurt that never went away. And even tho it did go away and I feel better knowing about it, understanding and accepting responsibility for it. deep down inside there is still rejection, I still feel abandoned by the whole thing. Knowing that this will never be completely resolved and I may never fully walk away from this hurts. Even though I understand that my results driven, where it didn't matter what else was going on and who else was involved as long as I received what I was after. Which is wrong and I hate myself for it.
But now am I being resentful against myself? Where does this madness end? I feel like I still want to go after what I want.. But I am taking into consideration others that are apart of this, yet, where does the line get drawn? where do you give up and move on or simply keep giving in? Ive been hurt and I know I have, but that was the hurt of a 14 year old girl. its 10 years later, do I pick up the pieces and move on or stick around and wait out the storm? should I waste more time waiting? The feelings I had all those years ago were right, I was told that I was right. But what about now? am I right? do I still know what I am doing?
More importantly how do I move on and put the past behind me. It has haunted me for the past 10 years. Does it just automatically go away? or does it fade away slowly. Some days I am filled with love, other days I only have love for myself, and other days like today I feel completely rejected in every scene. rejected by the ones who do love me, rejected by myself and rejected by the world around me. But most importantly by the people that I want in my life. I know that I can not stand any level of rejection and I guess this is what my problem is but, as secure and self sufficient as I am why does it really matter?