Wednesday, November 03, 2010

On the rocks

What I feel odd is that me and my daughter sometimes feel like we are on the rocks... The split is hard enough, but me and her are always fighting now. Yes, she is two. I just get this vibe that she does not want to be with me. Other times we are fine, but its like an overwhelming feeling of hurt and resentment on her end. She gets me so worked up tho, and always pushes my last nerve. Problem is if I try to stay calm and just assert authority as her mother without yelling or getting mad she starts crying because she gets upset???? My mom is really helping to get through this, its just not easy at all. Although she did sleep most of the night in her new bed!!!

I am happy that she sort of likes her new bed. But I sometimes feel like I'm having a pissing contest with her father for who can do more and better to make her happier... Which is just not cool at all! I don't want her to favor one over the other. Or who gives her more, does more, whatever. But it is not easy. I was thinking to buy her the buzz and woody plush dolls, to add to her collection, but honestly I can get them for her for Christmas! I'm doing as best I can for her right now. She does not need material things to make her happy! I know it will be a tug a war, for quite a while but I refuse to give in!!!!!  Most importantly I can't let it upset me! I need to be strong and keep myself whole to be there for her. I refuse to compare or be better than anyone else I will do my thing and that's it!  Just remembering this will help tremendously!!!

As for me, because of this I feel myself slipping, I know its that time of month, I know that its the change in weather... but honestly! I am looking for improvement and change! Brighten up my surroundings!!! Give more love, more of myself and be vulnerable enough to show who I am! Currently I am also sick which isn't helping but I have to just put mind over matter and overcome that!

Weight loss wise I am apparently back to my old ways I eat everything and anything I want and just stay the same.. which is not where I want to be! I'm still getting my finances in order to start up my gym membership. I am excited about that! I have much to look forward to be where I want to be, and at least I know what I want! Which is so important. Sometimes I feel like I lose that, but I find it again in time. I also know that soon enough I will have it too! Getting through the hurdles are what I need to focus on right now.

Also this is an idea that I have been toying around with the past few days living minimally aka under 100 items. now I have though about getting rid of clutter bla bla bla, I am paperless for gods sakes! I don't know if the number really means much to me as more the idea. Living within my means, I have a washer/dryer why do I need 10000000 million/bazillion sock? do I need 50 different pj's? does my daughter need more cloths/shoes she is just going to grow out of? She has about a dozen stuffed animals at my house, I had a collection of over 300 stuffed animals( I got rid of those), did having them or not having them change things for me? DO I NEED ALL THIS EXTRA STUFF???

I feel like I need to do a major inventory, to really figure out what I need and dont need... Bags I have not touched? can i really part with them? what about shoes, I need new shoes can I get rid of old ones? Like my daughter only has 1 bowl and 3 plates and 2 sippy cups. That's ALL she needs... I need to go on a diet! Get rid of my excess baggage! for the past three years I did not accumulate anything new for myself. but being back at my parents I have stuff I left behind... I think its finally time to overcome more than just being paperless. Granted I will keep most of my bags, BUT do I NEED all of them? Can I get rid of 5 cheep bags and buy one good one? can I do that 10 times over? so I have 10 bags instead of 50? I have 4 pairs of boots, 1 I NEVER wear, 2 are ruined and the last one I wear almost every day. Can I get rid of the other 3? when I have the money buy the boots Ive wanted? but why hold on to 3 for no reason?

These are alot of questions for myself to face. I guess its hard to get rid of so much. But things need to change right? My business is growing, I have no inventory, why should I carry personal inventory of items I no longer need or use. Honestly, I prob will never be able to get rid of most of my cloths, but I could get rid of my maternity cloths, I could do with fewer socks, all my "crappy" shirts I can get rid of... There is alot of improvements I can make slowly... Even though this is coming all about at once. Seeing how this weekend I am going to be getting a storage unit for all my "stuff", Although Im not getting rid of my kitchen things and household linens. Along with decorations. Yet, there is much That I can do! That maybe... just maybe I can get a smaller unit! (cause god knows I cant keep on using my parents dining room as a storage bin).

well this is just whats going on in my life, maybe me and my daughter feel too cramped and its causing problems? who knows... but change is coming personally, professionally (well moving upwards), and emotionally!

I am being optimistic today, along with love!

1 comment:

  1. I sooooo totally understand where you are coming from regarding your daughter! My daughter (who is 16) is constantly getting upset and angry with me because I can't afford to do more for her right now... or, I took her from her daddy and her friends... she has trouble looking at the big pictures and realizing, my leaving her dad, was what I felt was best for both of us. she has said to me several times that she hates her dad (I know she doesn't, but the fought all the time) and said how he's only mean to her when he's drinking... which is ALL THE TIME. Now that he has retired from the Air Force and moved back to MI also (he's not near me) he is constantly giving her money, took her shopping for new clothes, movies, out to dinner, etc... but he doesn't have the money to give me more child support than he is. Nowhere close to what we agreed on before I left. And FOC has now based it on his retirement rather than what he was making at the time we went... Keep your head up. We both know we are doing the best that we can, and that things will turn out for us.



Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5