Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Shifting my perspective

So I am going to shift my perspective today. I have been really down for the past 4 days. I met up with a lovely lady named jen last night. Who happens to be a writer, and we both came to the same conculsion.
When we are not writing our world falls apart!

So why am I putting myself in that situation? Understandable I have been super busy at work but that is not an excuse for my mental health. I can not rely on other to vent to because I know I only get more worked up. I can always work through my own problems within my writings. I always feel better and have an outstanding day, because I put into perspective where I am, where I want to be, and What I am being to get where I want!

I know many times the things I say might not make too much sense to some but to others, I can demonstrate that being is a way of life. Being who I want to be to get what I want.

I love myself I love my life, its just some days I dont feel like being much. Granted these days will always happen. I will always have an off day or week. Mostly on those days I dont write. I need space and time to be myself. To be able to express myself for self understanding and acceptance. I dont blog for others. I never have. I love my blog community but we all know that I am a lone blogger. (haha that sounds so funny!)

Ok so anyway, where have I been in the past few weeks that brings me to this point. I have let go of the past I have moved on and in doing so sometimes I try to remember why I was there, should I go back to having those feelings or being that way? Than I think to myself no, cause it doesn't matter I have moved on! And in moving on I feel empty. Not because I have moved on unwillingly. I have let go of my past, and in that light hearted feeling. I kind of feel lost. My ways and perspective has changed into something else. And in that is where I feel lost. I have no reaction set to fall back on no known area to relate to.

and even though in the beginning the feeling was uplifting and powerful. Sometimes I feel like I used my past as a crutch. And in doing so now I only have myself to hold onto. Which is a wonderful ideology and way of being. Yet, since all of this is still new, my legs are shaky and have yet to find their stance. Along with the onslaught of crap constantly hitting me! I am overwhelmed and flying by the seat of my pants over here! My mind needs focus my life needs focus and I need order! I need to reset priorities and have an agenda that stays set in stone. A way of order within my chaos to calm me.

Now the question is what are my priorities: My daughter, my business, my family. After that is friends and going out or doing what I want. My dilemma, the more I'm out networking, the more my business can grow. Yet I've been spending the wrong focus when it comes to my business in networking. I have not been around the correct people. I need to reset where I am and what I am doing. There is time to just be with friends and there is time to be networking. These are two vastly different focuses. I need to understand this! And I need to lighten up on myself. I have been in a very bad habit of brow beating myself. The harsher I am on myself the worse things are going to be.

I am focusing on adjusting how I react and what my focus is. I have no crutch so its all up to me. My actions, decisions, focus, all of this is my choice! I have a choice! I can not let other influence me or persuade me in any sort of direction. I am different I am independent. I am strong in my beliefs, and most importantly I am loving in everything that I do. I have not shown much love to the people around me. I have been shielding and reserving it solely for my daughter. But there is no limit to love. I can share with everyone and never worry about not having enough for her. She is my world. But I am part of a world where love is lacking. Why can't I be the light in people's day, bring a smile to someone's face. The more I love the world around me the more my daughter will learn to love too. Especially in this hard transition for her. Understanding that love is limitless and that being vulnerable and open to what is around us can benefit her in ways that I can not. I am jaded I am already formed. Yes I can change but everyone can regress. My baby has the opportunity to start with love and only know a positive and happy world. I want to share that with her.

So shifting my perspective, I am going to stand on my own two feet in the name of love, in the name of vulnerability and acceptance. I am going to take strides in what I do. Set a clear intent to what I do. Focus on the journey as well as the outcome! And most importantly I am going to recommit to this every day! I might falter I might sway, yet knowing that I can get right back up and start over means it will be ok! What happen 20 min ago can not change what will happen 5 min from now. Its about being who I am and what I want to be within this moment. Not waiting for the moment to come or pass... but to embrace it.

I will embrace what I have and accept that I am powerful enough to take on any and all challenges. Nothing can hold me back and nothing should hold me back. Being strong not for myself but for the world of love around me!

And you want to know where I am going to start? IN THE GYM! I need to focus and refocus my energy of feeling better about myself along with being and sharing my love. I want to love myself and feel better about myself.. More than I already do! I am being more in tune with my body and how I feel. the past few days that emotionally I have been upset and withdrawn I have been in constant pain... These two things go hand in hand. They are not what I want and if I don't want them I have the choice to change it! I have a choice to live my life my way! I am making the changes to be what I want!

1 comment:

  1. Sounding focused and ambitious. Sounds very very good! Happy Turkey day!



Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5