Time for the new year!

Wow I really dont know where to start. Last year my new years resolution was to stop and smell the roses. AKA to start living instead of my constant doing. A reflection of the past year. well yes I do believe that through out most of the year I have accomplished such a task. I know for sure there were periods in there that were very bleak. Some that I was only functioning to get by and other times just doing things and not being preset. Over all I feel as though through all the turmoil and change that has happened in my life I have thoroughly enjoyed 2010.I know that 2011 will be filled with more such turmoil and even greater changes. Within myself and the life around me.  But this is what I truly want. Change, change till I find where I truly fit and want to be.

I have always loved who I am. Now I have to find that love grow for where I am. Not necessarily physically but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Finding that final resolve to enter into a domain of complete vulnerability. Letting go of each last shred of guilt and insecurities. Taking the right direction into being more than I have ever been. Stretching further than I ever have. Wielding the power and potential that I have closed off within me. I have made huge leaps, leaps of faith, leaps of understanding, leaps to let go of what once held me hostage.

Its been these steps in the right direction that have propelled my life forward. Helped me make changes, be able to understand and accept who I am, in the effort to better my self and my world. To be love, to be a mother for the first time and to be understanding and compassionate. Not for myself but for others, for the giving to give. Realizing that I can never have enough love and dedication to others, while still loving and giving to myself. I have an awesome ability to handle any onset. I have abandoned my ideology of the self and gained one of dedication.

I am breaking free from the box that I live my life within.There is no more comfort zone there is no more control. Putting myself out there with the dedication to the act of being what I want to be. Not to dedicate to the act of having. I have all I need. I have all I have ever wanted. I wanted love, I said it a thousand times, yet I forgot to look at my daughter. I wanted freedom, yet I forgot to look at my strong will. I wanted success, yet forgot to look at how far I have come. Everything has always been there. Everything has always had a place. I seek more out of my years, if I didn't there would be no need to continue living. Yet I am at peace. Peace to know what I wanted I have and what I seek is to build on what I already have.

Where does all this progress take me in 2011, A new type of freedom. A new type of destination. Freedom from a 14 year old, freedom from circumstances, freedom from fear. Mostly a destination of happiness and love. A destination of success in any and all endeavors small or large. Every step I take is to be filled with potential and power, strength and most importantly love and dedication. The integrity to move forward and keep moving. The integrity to have laser beam focus. The integrity of my word, for even the slightest things.  The ability to let go of things that are not mine to judge or understand. The ability to be self sufficient, relying on my sole determination and self love. Yet at the same time loving those around me fully and accepting and understanding them.

Most importantly I CHOOSE to stop, before I look, stop, before I choose, and stop before I vote. The stops along the way will truly help me assess the situations around me. but I will be able to stop and absorb the love and give love while I make my choices in life. Stopping to listen to my heart, stopping to recognize what I am truly doing/saying/being. Am I being love? Am I being vulnerable? Am I being dedicated and compassionate?

I know that if I were to stop every time I made some sort of choice or decision and asked myself if I am being love?, or if I am being vulnerable and compassionate while being dedicated to my goals and beliefs, I can truly live a life of humble happiness!

For 2011, I truly feel that it is time to be more with less. There is so much chaos within material and emotional baggage I feel a huge purge is necessary. necessary for life and love! Letting go of what is unwanted and unneeded to be filled with more love and passion! Also within this is the dedication to stay on the right path, within weight loss, within being paperless, within being pure, safe and beneficial. I have taken these same steps before, I have lost my way recently. It is time that I learn the ways that my life is truly meant to be.

I am embracing this new year wholeheartedly! I wish you all the best for 2011!

weight

So my weight is way up this holiday season! I am determined to make the change to get back on track. My weight is truly upsetting me. I am willing to go to the gym more for my overall health and as a new years resolution. There is so much that I want for this coming year. So much to change and work on. so much improvements. I am determined to make this year a very healthy one for me and my daughter. Also one of financial freedom and independence. These past 3 months have been nice but let me tell you its not easy. I plan on making major changes this year! and jan will just be the start! Going to the gym will only be a small part and it will also be a huge part! I plan to start ASAP also! I am not waiting for the new year to take action im not waiting for something else to come along. This month has been very very long. Everything has been thrown about and I know nothing will stop me from what I truly want!

I am off to be productive! I have been siting around all day today and yesterday due to the snow... NO MORE!

Off to BE BE BE!!!! I want to be WHOLE I want to be Passionate loving, caring and dedicated! I will be focused and have laser beam focus all along the way!

I love who I am and the life I choose to live... Now its time to take that choice and ride like the wind!!!!

XOXO everyone I hope you all had a fab holiday! I love you all!

OY

The highs and lows come and go where they stop no one knows!
So my bestie lefts shit hit the fan.... and than life goes on... where does all this shit stop? Why do all good things have to be paired with a downer? well whatever it is.. right now im good!
My other bestie that lives in the UK happens to be coming back at the end of jan! OMG I am super excited! So yet again I will be busy with someone so important to me in my life... The only good thing about this friend is she is very independent has her own car and can make her own decisions I dont have to baby sit her! Which will be very nice!

Also Lets see... I have gained back any lost weight... just the way this past weekend went I was at a diner 2x in 12 hours.. than out to a bbq place for dinner... even though all the food was amazing... I need to do things differently... no more eating out! hell no more eating! I did start going to the gym the other day! I spent an hour and a half sweating my ass off! I enjoyed every second of it! I will also be going this afternoon!!!

As for xmas... I am not ready and I know im stressn because of it... but its ok... everything will work itself out in the end. I know it will... anyway... There isnt much else to say.
I will be starting my lifeboard tonight... And I will be doing alot more on here soon enough..

But for right now... no I will be busy busy busy... my life just keeps on gettin in the way. I will also be starting my custody battle after the new year! YAY what fun... not. I am keeping my head up everything will work itself out!

I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday! I will see everyone after the holidays! xoxo

2 steps forward 10 steps back!

So I am all ready to get started with the gym today! got stuff I gotta get done. My business is BOOMING! and BAM! I get sick!

Perfect timing, not at all! every time I stand up I get delirious! I am feeling better but I feel like a balloon!!!! Uh I hate this feeling. So I am still thinking about going to the gym today. Maybe sweat this fever out. Although it did break because of the advil. I also feel very very soar and wiped out. But I don't want any of it to stop me!
My mom gave me a concoction this morning of apple cider vinegar/honey/cinnamon. It was so gross but it helped with my throat within an half hour! WOW!

So anyway! despite the horrible way I feel I know that I will keep being what I want. Nothing can stop me! Plus this weight has to go! no better time to get rid of it than now!

YAY! I did it!!!

I singed my life away! HAHA!

I signed up for the gym yesterday!!!!

Please be happy for me! I am so excited to be going back! best part of all my baby LOVES the kids area!!!! she wouldn't leave and as soon as I put her down she RAN away from me! I know it will provide her with great exercise every day! She will have loads of fun and interaction with other kids... while momma gets her fitness on!!!! I actually start tomorrow!!!! YAY ME! unless I decide to go tonight after baby goes to sleep???


It so sounds like an idea! All I know is I'm extremely happy that I was able so shed the 4lbs that I gained from thanksgiving! Cause I was feeling very crappy this past weekend with all that extra weight. Although I was really bad last night. After writing the check for my gym membership... I finished off the bag of Salt and Vinegar chips I bought last week and forgot about! Great! hehe, its ok its almost TOM and I kind of needed it. Feeling a lil bloated but not too much thank god!

Over all I am in a much better mood! I had a wonderful thanksgiving weekend. Thanksgiving day was hell, Baby was soo bad! but after alot of sleep between thur night and fri. Sat and sun she was so pleasant and we really enjoyed ever second together! I know that when I am home I always feel centered. it is my place to be. I also know that after a while I need time out and to let lose. But I feel that being out too much I start to lose everything around me. Also with all this pent up frustration and stress going to the gym will wind up being my savior!

I'm also just in a being mood, I don't feel happy/sad/up/down... I just kind am being/living/doing. it feels very calming actually. I have a packed schedule starting tomorrow, and I am kind of just going through it and enjoying it.

I am off to live for the rest of the day! my busy days have almost become joyous to a point! I know it wont last forever. my weekend of solitude brings joy between my busyness!
LOVE TODAY TOMORROW AND YOURSELF!!! XOXOXOXO

Shifting my perspective

So I am going to shift my perspective today. I have been really down for the past 4 days. I met up with a lovely lady named jen last night. Who happens to be a writer, and we both came to the same conculsion.
When we are not writing our world falls apart!

So why am I putting myself in that situation? Understandable I have been super busy at work but that is not an excuse for my mental health. I can not rely on other to vent to because I know I only get more worked up. I can always work through my own problems within my writings. I always feel better and have an outstanding day, because I put into perspective where I am, where I want to be, and What I am being to get where I want!

I know many times the things I say might not make too much sense to some but to others, I can demonstrate that being is a way of life. Being who I want to be to get what I want.

I love myself I love my life, its just some days I dont feel like being much. Granted these days will always happen. I will always have an off day or week. Mostly on those days I dont write. I need space and time to be myself. To be able to express myself for self understanding and acceptance. I dont blog for others. I never have. I love my blog community but we all know that I am a lone blogger. (haha that sounds so funny!)

Ok so anyway, where have I been in the past few weeks that brings me to this point. I have let go of the past I have moved on and in doing so sometimes I try to remember why I was there, should I go back to having those feelings or being that way? Than I think to myself no, cause it doesn't matter I have moved on! And in moving on I feel empty. Not because I have moved on unwillingly. I have let go of my past, and in that light hearted feeling. I kind of feel lost. My ways and perspective has changed into something else. And in that is where I feel lost. I have no reaction set to fall back on no known area to relate to.

and even though in the beginning the feeling was uplifting and powerful. Sometimes I feel like I used my past as a crutch. And in doing so now I only have myself to hold onto. Which is a wonderful ideology and way of being. Yet, since all of this is still new, my legs are shaky and have yet to find their stance. Along with the onslaught of crap constantly hitting me! I am overwhelmed and flying by the seat of my pants over here! My mind needs focus my life needs focus and I need order! I need to reset priorities and have an agenda that stays set in stone. A way of order within my chaos to calm me.

Now the question is what are my priorities: My daughter, my business, my family. After that is friends and going out or doing what I want. My dilemma, the more I'm out networking, the more my business can grow. Yet I've been spending the wrong focus when it comes to my business in networking. I have not been around the correct people. I need to reset where I am and what I am doing. There is time to just be with friends and there is time to be networking. These are two vastly different focuses. I need to understand this! And I need to lighten up on myself. I have been in a very bad habit of brow beating myself. The harsher I am on myself the worse things are going to be.

I am focusing on adjusting how I react and what my focus is. I have no crutch so its all up to me. My actions, decisions, focus, all of this is my choice! I have a choice! I can not let other influence me or persuade me in any sort of direction. I am different I am independent. I am strong in my beliefs, and most importantly I am loving in everything that I do. I have not shown much love to the people around me. I have been shielding and reserving it solely for my daughter. But there is no limit to love. I can share with everyone and never worry about not having enough for her. She is my world. But I am part of a world where love is lacking. Why can't I be the light in people's day, bring a smile to someone's face. The more I love the world around me the more my daughter will learn to love too. Especially in this hard transition for her. Understanding that love is limitless and that being vulnerable and open to what is around us can benefit her in ways that I can not. I am jaded I am already formed. Yes I can change but everyone can regress. My baby has the opportunity to start with love and only know a positive and happy world. I want to share that with her.

So shifting my perspective, I am going to stand on my own two feet in the name of love, in the name of vulnerability and acceptance. I am going to take strides in what I do. Set a clear intent to what I do. Focus on the journey as well as the outcome! And most importantly I am going to recommit to this every day! I might falter I might sway, yet knowing that I can get right back up and start over means it will be ok! What happen 20 min ago can not change what will happen 5 min from now. Its about being who I am and what I want to be within this moment. Not waiting for the moment to come or pass... but to embrace it.

I will embrace what I have and accept that I am powerful enough to take on any and all challenges. Nothing can hold me back and nothing should hold me back. Being strong not for myself but for the world of love around me!

And you want to know where I am going to start? IN THE GYM! I need to focus and refocus my energy of feeling better about myself along with being and sharing my love. I want to love myself and feel better about myself.. More than I already do! I am being more in tune with my body and how I feel. the past few days that emotionally I have been upset and withdrawn I have been in constant pain... These two things go hand in hand. They are not what I want and if I don't want them I have the choice to change it! I have a choice to live my life my way! I am making the changes to be what I want!

new pants

I am thinking in another week im going to need new pants (well I have pants just switch to smaller ones) cause Im back down to 148!!! and my pants keep falling off!!!!! YAY!!!! thats all for right now. I am working towards getting back and getting ahead! making a difference and being the difference! last few days have been slumpsville but I feel great again and things are always looking up! Keeping my head up hight!

"The ultimate measure of a person is not where they stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where they stand in times of challenge and controversy." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

Actuall "weightloss blog" post

Today I am still 151, I am up from the 148 I was two weeks ago, but I was that low because I just wasn't eating. Problem is I am eating about 2000 or so cal a day! Now why? because that enables me to eat anything and everything my little heart desires! In there is the kicker! If I shed out a few cal oh 500 or so, I could start losing weight. Along with starting to work out I am set for a great way to really start getting back the body that  I want! Now to just start to regulate myself. This has become very hard this week with being sick and being that TOM, everything feels like its up in the air.

You know when you just have those off days. Yea, its been an off week for me. But I am determined to BE much more conscious of what I am doing! I finally have fizzie tabs again. So I will have energy and feel much more alive! THANK GOD! my cfs has been really bad these past two weeks with the weather change. But I have been pushing past all of that. Things will be getting better, I know they will. I have to be what I want before getting what I want. And really staying focused on living for now and what I have in my life.

But tonight I am going to be doing major de-cluttering.. Thank god, I feel like it will clear my mind and help me refocus and take on a new page in my life. Losing weight! ALL AROUND! Losing the baggage and the love handles! hehehe! My goal by the end of the year is 140! that is just shy of 2 months and 10lbs. I can do that. I need to keep this weight off too. I think that's where the gym will sooo come in handy! I cant wait!!!!

My outlook is very positive I just need to stick with it! I want to stick with it. and I need to be consistant!

On the rocks

What I feel odd is that me and my daughter sometimes feel like we are on the rocks... The split is hard enough, but me and her are always fighting now. Yes, she is two. I just get this vibe that she does not want to be with me. Other times we are fine, but its like an overwhelming feeling of hurt and resentment on her end. She gets me so worked up tho, and always pushes my last nerve. Problem is if I try to stay calm and just assert authority as her mother without yelling or getting mad she starts crying because she gets upset???? My mom is really helping to get through this, its just not easy at all. Although she did sleep most of the night in her new bed!!!

I am happy that she sort of likes her new bed. But I sometimes feel like I'm having a pissing contest with her father for who can do more and better to make her happier... Which is just not cool at all! I don't want her to favor one over the other. Or who gives her more, does more, whatever. But it is not easy. I was thinking to buy her the buzz and woody plush dolls, to add to her collection, but honestly I can get them for her for Christmas! I'm doing as best I can for her right now. She does not need material things to make her happy! I know it will be a tug a war, for quite a while but I refuse to give in!!!!!  Most importantly I can't let it upset me! I need to be strong and keep myself whole to be there for her. I refuse to compare or be better than anyone else I will do my thing and that's it!  Just remembering this will help tremendously!!!

As for me, because of this I feel myself slipping, I know its that time of month, I know that its the change in weather... but honestly! I am looking for improvement and change! Brighten up my surroundings!!! Give more love, more of myself and be vulnerable enough to show who I am! Currently I am also sick which isn't helping but I have to just put mind over matter and overcome that!

Weight loss wise I am apparently back to my old ways I eat everything and anything I want and just stay the same.. which is not where I want to be! I'm still getting my finances in order to start up my gym membership. I am excited about that! I have much to look forward to be where I want to be, and at least I know what I want! Which is so important. Sometimes I feel like I lose that, but I find it again in time. I also know that soon enough I will have it too! Getting through the hurdles are what I need to focus on right now.

Also this is an idea that I have been toying around with the past few days living minimally aka under 100 items. now I have though about getting rid of clutter bla bla bla, I am paperless for gods sakes! I don't know if the number really means much to me as more the idea. Living within my means, I have a washer/dryer why do I need 10000000 million/bazillion sock? do I need 50 different pj's? does my daughter need more cloths/shoes she is just going to grow out of? She has about a dozen stuffed animals at my house, I had a collection of over 300 stuffed animals( I got rid of those), did having them or not having them change things for me? DO I NEED ALL THIS EXTRA STUFF???

I feel like I need to do a major inventory, to really figure out what I need and dont need... Bags I have not touched? can i really part with them? what about shoes, I need new shoes can I get rid of old ones? Like my daughter only has 1 bowl and 3 plates and 2 sippy cups. That's ALL she needs... I need to go on a diet! Get rid of my excess baggage! for the past three years I did not accumulate anything new for myself. but being back at my parents I have stuff I left behind... I think its finally time to overcome more than just being paperless. Granted I will keep most of my bags, BUT do I NEED all of them? Can I get rid of 5 cheep bags and buy one good one? can I do that 10 times over? so I have 10 bags instead of 50? I have 4 pairs of boots, 1 I NEVER wear, 2 are ruined and the last one I wear almost every day. Can I get rid of the other 3? when I have the money buy the boots Ive wanted? but why hold on to 3 for no reason?

These are alot of questions for myself to face. I guess its hard to get rid of so much. But things need to change right? My business is growing, I have no inventory, why should I carry personal inventory of items I no longer need or use. Honestly, I prob will never be able to get rid of most of my cloths, but I could get rid of my maternity cloths, I could do with fewer socks, all my "crappy" shirts I can get rid of... There is alot of improvements I can make slowly... Even though this is coming all about at once. Seeing how this weekend I am going to be getting a storage unit for all my "stuff", Although Im not getting rid of my kitchen things and household linens. Along with decorations. Yet, there is much That I can do! That maybe... just maybe I can get a smaller unit! (cause god knows I cant keep on using my parents dining room as a storage bin).

well this is just whats going on in my life, maybe me and my daughter feel too cramped and its causing problems? who knows... but change is coming personally, professionally (well moving upwards), and emotionally!

I am being optimistic today, along with love!

Excited!!! BEYOND BELIEF!!!

So I really dont know how I am holding in all this excitement but....
MY BFF IS STAYING IN NY!!!!

Now I know this means nothing to you all but... this girl:

Does not live in the US, Ive been friends with her since the 5th grade. We are inseparable!  Except for the ocean the physical distance that keeps us separated.  Well this morning she just informed me that her job here in NY, will continue! They asked her to stay!!!! So even though she isn't exactly here in the same area as I am she is in the same state and only a train ride away! Enough for me to see her 1-2 time a month instead of once every 3 years!!!! And seeing how she is on my cell phone plan... I get to talk to her WHENEVER!!!!!

I am happier than a pig in shit! I will be picking her up from the train this afternoon and I have the weekend with her!!! I am so happy! My horoscope said that an old dream will come true, one that I have given up hope on... well..... I know this is a dream come true!

Will I always see her..no, thats cool we lead two very different lives. I am very busy and she works 15 hour days. Yet we make the time to be completely involved in each others lives. Even tho, me and animals dont get along (she works with horses) and ms bff and kids do not mesh (as I am a mother). HAHA! its the weirdest thing to put us together, she is tall I am short. We might be opposite in so many ways but she is my soul mate and knows everything about me. she loves and accepts everything about me, and this goes both ways!

She is second only to my daughter, and she knows this! (does wonders for her ego), But I can finally say even tho I am a home body and dont do much, she brings out the best/worst in me! I am going to enjoy spending once a month late nights parting it up in the city. I never have before and I think its time I start enjoying it! It so won't be all the time but I am going to love it when it happens than go back to my life of solitude...Although I wouldn't call my crazy life solitude... but at the end of the night I enjoy most being at home and cuddling in the living room just hangn out with my mom, and if my daughter would cooperate her too!

Best part of all is ms bff, goes back home to iceland for the holidays... so what is a girl to do? I have my sis (aka cuz) coming from italy!!! for those two weeks!!! And I am going to enjoy that more than anything. it has been three years since I have seen her. And I am soo excited! at lest I wont be babysitting 2 people while with my daughter... haha! cause we all know people from out of town soo need to be babysat! But I have loads of work to do before my cuz gets here! AND I CAN'T wait!!!!

My life is exciting and invigorating! Day after Day! Maybe some times I have low points but they are nothing in comparison to the high I feel most of the time!!!!

Being excited! What are you being today???

I'm going back to the gym!!!

I've decided to start up my gym membership again!!!! YAY! I loved going to the gym constantly, I really did. I have to find out some more info, but they have a child care area so I can go midday with my little one! she can have fun playing and so can mommy!!!! Right now money is tight but I plan on starting up hopefully for december. The catch is since it would be too cold to play at the park, baby can play indoors!!! they have an awesome set up for kids! She will get to run around and have loads of fun! I will try to go next weekend, while daddy has her, and see what they say. Now that I have the money I need to take care of myself! and I LOVE, to listen to music and walk/run... do whatever! its so relaxing! I am excited about this!!! VERY EXCITED!!!!

I lost 7lbs after I moved out of my ex house. I am eating much better! I just have to get back to being fit! being active and I dont want the winter to stop me! I am on a roll!!!!

I have more to do to get back on track. I had a nice long talk last night with the person that I spoke about yesterday. Ive moved on. its the most amazing feeling ever. I also got in touch with old friends, and am proactive to being committed to my daughter/happiness and business! I am spending time with friends and family that mean the world to me. and soon enough all those old patches that have held me back will be broken and I will move past any and all barriers that stand in my way.

My first goal is to get my finances in order. Once I do that I am going to be planning for the future. And than start to take advantage of things that I have not been able to for so long. The gym, buying my ebooks! Feeding my body physically and intellectually!

I want to live for now and be proactive towards my future! Things are changing! Life is happening and I am going to go full force forward!!!!

A few things in my near future are:
A gym membership
Fixing my CAR!!!! 
gymnastics/swimming classes for baby
Advanced Momentum training
Trip to italy ... mommy only... :(
Vaca with the baby for the summer!!!!
Than pre-k for the baby!!!! AHHH!

wow so much to come for next year! and to think my new years resolution was to stop and smell the roses! I really have slowed down my life to enjoy it more! and because of that I can enhance and enrich it with more activities to love the life I live!!!

And this is what happens when your single with all this left over money! haha! and my business growing! WOW!!!! No one can hold me back!!!!

Onward and upward!!! Hope everyone has an empowering day!!!

Today is a bad day in the middle of all the good days

So, I miss my blog dearly... I have been MIA for such a long time. It hurts not to write here. But So much has happened in the past month. I am currently a single mommy. Ain't that fun? Although I am happy about this aspect I feel much better, less stress and better over all about where my future is going. I am currently living at home with my parents. Not where I want to be but your most comfortable at home right? Anyway, its been too long for me to get my feelings out. For me to say what I want to say. I have moved on in my life from a very bad relationship. He has no idea how much I suffered, so much so that when I look back now all I see is relief. My blog knows I hurt, he still doesn't get it. But that's fine I have moved past such hurt. My dilemma right now is how do I move forward in all other aspects.

I have hurt from others still. I am working through that and being responsible for my reactions. My reactions because I have realized that I have been reacting to hurt from past situations. Hurt that never went away. And even tho it did go away and I feel better knowing about it, understanding and accepting responsibility for it. deep down inside there is still rejection, I still feel abandoned by the whole thing. Knowing that this will never be completely resolved and I may never fully walk away from this hurts. Even though I understand that my results driven, where it didn't matter what else was going on and who else was involved as long as I received what I was after. Which is wrong and I hate myself for it.

But now am I being resentful against myself? Where does this madness end? I feel like I still want to go after what I want.. But I am taking into consideration others that are apart of this, yet, where does the line get drawn? where do you give up and move on or simply keep giving in? Ive been hurt and I know I have, but that was the hurt of a 14 year old girl. its 10 years later, do I pick up the pieces and move on or stick around and wait out the storm? should I waste more time waiting? The feelings I had all those years ago were right, I was told that I was right. But what about now? am I right? do I still know what I am doing?

More importantly how do I move on and put the past behind me. It has haunted me for the past 10 years. Does it just automatically go away? or does it fade away slowly. Some days I am filled with love, other days I only have love for myself, and other days like today I feel completely rejected in every scene. rejected by the ones who do love me, rejected by myself and rejected by the world around me. But most importantly by the people that I want in my life. I know that I can not stand any level of rejection and I guess this is what my problem is but, as secure and self sufficient as I am why does it really matter?

Dont ever let your CIRCUMSTANCES ever get in the way of your COMMITMENT!!!

 

Now what are my circumstances though? Where I live my life and the lives of others

My commitment? ha, its all about my daughter and my business... makes me wonder why I am so hung up about something else, problem is I have a commitment to a circumstance that I have no relation to. Other people's lives and other people's reactions. What kind of commitment? A commitment to be apart of it, yet, none of that has to do what my commitment should be.  

Than I think, well is that commitment just a circumstance? I just happen to be apart of something that I can not control and should I just let it be because it is not apart of my true commitment? A commitment that really matters? and than how do I shift my perceptive to commit and continue recommitting to what I want and not what I might have fallen into?  How do I differentiate the two to stay focused on what is truly important? 

 There is so much that I now know and see, yet I need to take a step further and let go of my fears and hurt, along with my own personal perceptions and wants and needs, and just focus on being what I want out of life and the rest will follow. Taking this journey a day at a time just to keep discovering and rediscovering where I am and where I am going and how I want to do all of this. Not for anyone but myself! I just need to remain committed to this and follow through. Never letting other people circumstances or even my own slow me down.  

life is really hard to keep up with

When do you know maybe its too late? when its too late to fix something that is broken? is there a deadline? is there a way out? what if it doesn't work? will someone tell us what is wrong? or will it be more time wasted? do you move on to something better? will there ever be something better? or are we always destined for the same thing over and over again? do we only get one chance? can we go back if it was the wrong choice? does the hurt go away?

WOW, I dont know if I'm disturbed by this revelation or hurt

So, last night I was told by my wonderful hubby that everyone, well at least everyone he talks to thinks that I act/am/portray myself or whatever... aka, I act like I am better than everyone.. wow, ok. That's a revelation... seeing how that's the last thing that I have ever felt. HA! actually most the time I feel I'm not good enough. And odd to think that hubby feels that I act as if I am better than him too.. Sorry I have confidence in who I am. Thats about all it is... that and most the people he mentioned don't know me and have never taken the time to get to know me... so they only know that I am closed off. Because yes I am a very private person (aka, most people dont know I blog)... and I don't know most people who said this about me... don't give me the time of day so I don't give them the time of day.. I think that is fair enough. One person in particular is my brother in law, I think we all know me and him do not get along... so if he is around, I shut my mouth lift my head up high and proceed to be closed off and uptight because I don't want to say or do anything to give him ammo to make my life more miserable. oh wait... my brother in law is everywhere we go... soooo, how do you think I'm going to act. And how do you think people are going to see me... and I don't drop everything to spill my heart out to someone who doesn't give a crap about me... sorry... I'm just being myself I am completely real with the world around me even when my mouth is shut with my head held high...

Maybe people see that I don't gossip or talk about celebrities thinking I'm above them..  no I think its rude to talk about other people and I don't have time to involve myself with some stranger's life... let them live their life and let me live mine... If its a friend am I going to be concerned and want to know if something is wrong... YES!!!! am I going to go repeat it to someone else... HELL NO!

Do I think my shit don't stink... yea I do! I am Italian... I do think I am the greatest and best ever! But at the same time I never have though I am better than someone... I have never know myself to put myself above someone else..I put my personal responsibility above others, my family comes first... that's me my daughter and hubby... Sorry if they are the only true people that matter most to me... yes MANY people I do care about... but they come first... and you know what I shouldn't be sorry about that! I am a mother and a wife.. than a friend...

And I say I feel disturbed about this because my personality is not to care... I don't care what others think... and I know this.. well no I do care, I care when its someone like my sister in law (my bo's wife) coming to me so that we can understand each other better and she can express how she feels... her opinion matters. She is an amazing person! and she cares about me enough and I whole heatedly care about her. otherwise I feel that no other people's opinions don't matter.. hubby's friends who only see me when my brother in law is around... do they matter when they think about me acting "stuck up"... hell their g/f don't think that... but they get to know me... we have a great time.. and when they ask us what we are laughing and going on about we all reply "NOTHING" and laugh some more...

So I feel a lil disturbed about the fact that I don't care but I do care just not the same way others do... you can blab about me all you want... but you don't know me... so what does your opinion matter? anyway... the hurt part... that hubby actually thinks I might be like that... even tho he hears how I feel all the time.. he listens to me when everything falls apart and knows that I usually feel like not only does my shit stink... mostly I feel I am shit... and that's true because I grew up in a house where no matter what I did good bad. noble peace prize.. didn't matter I would never be good enough or never amount to anything in life... So I've lived with that for 21 years... what do you think I am going to do.. Of course I am going to have self confidence I fought that every step of the way! I always knew I was someone of importance! to someone... not to everyone not to the world...  But there are people in my life that value me and that's where I get my confidence from... and if you don't value me... well I close the door and let you know you can't hurt me! sorry its not going to happen...


Am I different than most hell yes... Do I like the way I am hell yes.. Can other people not handle it.. of course... but I dont expect anyone to change for me or do things for me.. I just do it for myself.. I'm not selfish its not all about me, I don't expect others to wait on me hand and foot... I don't expect others to do what I say (oh wait no that I do do..) haha but that's joking around with friends... and they get it... otherwise I don't joke with them about it...

you know, I've been told many times I'm direct confident and in control... yea I am and I love it! and ALOT of people love that about me! If they can't handle it why should I change and why should it affect me??? I've done the whole change for others to make them happy... it doesn't work out very well you wind up being miserable! I'm not miserable! and I don't want to be miserable! sooo, that's about that... I am a little hurt that hubby feels that way, I did talk to him and he does understand and know that I am not really like that... just I close myself off to others... and I explained to him that him, my bff and our daughter are the only one's who really really know me... and I don't tell my bff things about our private relationship so she doesn't know everything... I think what hurt more is that hubby took other people opinions of me as his own...

although somewhere inside I still am laughing at all of this.. me better than anyone... yea right... tell that to my father... he who always said "you will never be anything of importance in life" ahahaha! so yea I still get a laugh out of all of this... I am me and I can't change nor do I want to! I love who I am and its just going to be that way...

quickie

crazies last few days and next two weeks... but wanted to say I am down 2 lbs! xoxo people!

ok... post #3 prob most important

So, today I have been doing what they call in Italy a white diet... which consists of the list from earlier today... I have been doing exceptionally well.... I have not touched my daughter's food except a lil out of her juice box (bag) so she doesn't spill it... but surprisingly I feel great!!!! I had breakfast, which was yogurt, 1 slice of toast, tea and water. than I had white rice with a lil bit of salt for lunch with some bread with butter... and some water, a lil capre sun juice, and a few sips of orange juice.. I am not too hungry although almost dinner time I am getting there... and tonight will be chicken and some yogurt... the end... if im still hungry I will have either toast or rice... now... big thing here. I bought special Toy story cookies for baby... yummy ones too.. I DID NOT TOUCH!!! I am very proud of myself!!!!

I did it all day! my tummy feels great!

I need help!!!!

HOW DO I PUT A TWITTER LINK ON MY BLOG? I'M A TARD!!!! (yes that's an abbreviation for retarded because I don't like using the actual word but I'm dumb as a doornail sometimes... and its a perfect expression!)

THANKS!!!!!

Last night... not soo good...

So last night was a horrible night... am I fine this morning yes, I had hubby nurse me back to health. I had my daughter use me to put her feet up on my back while she slept. (not cool). But over all I am ok, I had a physical crash. I am back up and running today. hubby is concerned that I am completely going to burn out soon but I refuse to stop any time soon... But I won't tell him that cause that will really make him upset... avoiding the whole upset hubby... not good not good. 

So anyway, since I started my day today off right. I decided to step onto the scale! ----- wait for it... wait for it... yea 155, not good.. BUT!!! Oh yes I have an amazing but to this!!! I am pregnancy 155... aka, my cloths still fit, but I just feel big. like my muscles are returning and my fat is going!!!! I am becoming leaner! I also attribute the 155, to my 50gal of water a day... which might also be last night's problem... SOO I think i need to cut back just a little I think I flushed out all my electrolytes... (yes I have done this before)... its loads of fun! yea, I felt like someone slipped me Spanish fly, hubby says it was the guys from work... I don't even see the guys I work with every day!!!! he is such a dummy! ahaha! so anyway I feel like I have a hang over right now but that's about it.. but, I am not stopping!!!! I am going to be eating white rice for the next few days though.. I need to clean out all toxins from my system and than start to replenish. 

So white rice,

water (limited), 

orange juice, 

yogurt, 

toast, and 

only fruit, 

maybe eggs

but that's about it... till this weekend.. the only other thing will be sugar/honey (even though honey is not the best), and salt... maybe grilled chicken with a lil salt... no pepper.... :( No green tea pills no energy drinks.... NOTHING!!!!! and this morning was the last time I will have my raisin bread toast or black tea, only bay leave tea.  DAMN this is sooo going to suck!!!!

most importantly I can not eat my daughter's food!!!! I can eat as much of what I am allowed to eat but NOTHING ELSE!!!! So help me god!!!!

well that's the plan! along with my normal routine of life, I still plan on going out walking working out and doing whatever else I usually do! I do plan on keeping it low on the sugar... I don't know how but I do plan on it! not to mention I still have to cook for hubby and daughter through all of this... (so help me god).... BUT I know and will continue to recommit to my decision to this diet because I know that it is for my health! its my choice and as long as this is my choice its my choice to stay committed to it!

ok that's all for today, I have to go pee yet again!!!

Two walks!!!!!

YUP! I went for a walk this morning with my most amazing neighbor and bff!!!! and than again tonight! As a wind down from the most amazing day ever!!!! Talk about showing up and living life to the fullest! I worked today all of 4 hours! a lil in the morning and than a presentation. I got to spend time with some amazing people and time with my family! I took time to take care of myself too! I am also putting focus on my life and getting anything and everything done! Everything around me is better! I am enjoying life more and living more in the moment which is pretty cool cause I can be busy but at the same time enjoy what I am doing and the busy life that I am living! I am going to sleep exhausted but at the same time I am fine with that.

I feel great! besides all the aches and pains in my body I feel amazing! First off, I have to say that I have been stretching every day for the past few days ( being a gymnast). And it feels great! I feel better when I stretch out my muscles. They feel thinner and leaner. AMAZING! I also am fitting into my pants better than I did last week, Even though I feel very bloated right now. (had like 30 glasses of water today). I am having a little problem controlling my eating but overall I am not doing too bad. I am really enjoying just being and doing my thing.

I mean everything around me is better, I have a better relationship with hubby and my daughter. I got to enjoy and actually NOTICE the toads around the neighborhood while on my walk! was really cool I have never seen them before! And I was focused on the tasks at hand and amazing life that I am living!!!!

I had the most kickass day today!!!! I hope you all did too!!!!!

What are you being today???

Ok so, today yesterday and the day before I have been feeling quite sick, but I have not let that stop me!!!! I want to congradulate myself on not making any excuses and opening up the treadmill! I used the treadmill for 22 min yesterday!!! 8 of which I RAN!!!!!! Yes you heard it right here! I was running!!!! 

Besides me taking the initative to work on me I have soo much going on right now! my bff is coming back on the 13th of September!!!! OMG OMG OMG! life is good! anyway, besides that. I was able to get in touch with a childhood best friend who lives in Italy. I have not heard from her since I was in 8/9th grade! Facebook is an amazing thing! I was able to reconnect with all my friends from Italy! its just the coolest thing ever!

I am dedicated more to where I am in my life and also being out there more being more social instead of hiding indoors, accepting the people around me for who they are the way I am. despite the fact that some people in my life do not like my new attitude I dont care. I understand that is their opinion and that's fine for them. I am not wasting neg energy on people or places not worth my time and effort.  I am taking the initiative to survive! If your friends with me on fb you have seen this but I want everyone to actually watch this video its only 5 min! but after all the personal development I have been doing this just put everything back into perspective and said WAKE UP!!!!

THIS IS CHANGED MY LIFE

I don't know how to embed the video, but go to the link, its through fb. I am amazed at how simple passion and determination works! And I feel that is the story of my life. But I have stepped out of my comfort zone when it comes to myself physically and emotionally! I was sick last night and I still had the determination after putting my daughter to sleep to work out! And I have been showing up in my business with my decisions and dedication level. I have changed over my organized mommy blog to something more fitting my dedication to my business and what I am doing to get to the TOP!!!

Everything around me is changing so rapidly! I am making choices that meet and match my wants more and more. I want to be certain things and although I dont want to work out... I know working out will get me what I want! Also my bff is coming in about 3 weeks! I want to be ready and sexy to go out to the damn clubs and have a great time!!!

Today I am being:

Fit

Active

Loving

Giving

Sharing

Vulnerable

Determined

Organized

and best of all I am being ME!!!!

What are you being today???