Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Integrity/ Momentum Training

So I have been taking a look and working on my integrity and let's just say I have a whole Blog here about my lack of integrity..

It taught me a great lesson... First I realize that I have a compulsive need to do more and expect so much more of myself than I can give my word about. I constantly feel the need to do more and when I have that feeling I say so much to when I look at what I have to own up to I make excuses for why not to do what I set out to do.

Its almost an impulse and most definitely  a self sabotaging activity. My goal in life should not to be to conquer the war...  It should be to have a choice and my choice is to have integrity about what I say and expecially with what I write! Its so important for me to be honest but when I say I will and change what I do... the person I am lying to myself... And that's the one thing I don't want!

Taking this journey step by step has also helped me realize that although I never want to compare and never want to have someone compare me to another person I have defined my life like that. I spend my days comparing myself and my life to my mother. And although me and my mom is the one person I look up to I feel that I have to do what she did in life but I realize now that my life is mine and she is only 1 part of who I am. She is the part that is generous. not the driven individual striving for more. Do I have the same tendencies? Yes.  But am I looking to compare and compete with her? No. I also realize that I avoid her for fear that I can not compare to what she has accomplished in life.

Now let me make the point to tell u I am not my mother nor will ever be. Nor do I want to be. I need to be conscious of my comparative nature and change into who I am and what I know is right. All my life my goal was to right the wrong my mom made with me and yes I am raising my child very different. But at the same time that is me doing it not my mother and my mother has nothing to do with it. Its my choice. That is what I want and as much as I want to use it as a comparison.. How can I compare to opposites?

I need to understand where I am going with my life and leave the pieces of my past behind where it belongs.. Those events in my life made me but its what I choose to do that defines me!

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Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5