Saturday, January 02, 2010

Sorry for being MIA for the past few days

Well I think its been more than a few days that I have not been around. Yet, I feel as though I am getting back to being me. This week I had a complete mental breakdown, along with a phyical one but those I always have.

I have not been feeling like myself lately and I know I need to start being me again. I have a new years resolution to enjoy life more and live more instead of just doing more. Yet I know that this will not magically happen the first week of the new year. I am hoping that by the time June roles around I got the hang of this enjoying life thing. Along with accomplishing other things too...

But before I can live my live I have to get out of this hole I dug myself into... I know that I do love myself and my life but not being happy right now is killing me.

Alot of it has to do with what I call my savior and my death all at once.... OCD... Now normally I would never talk about such a dear topic but I feel that the more my struggle continues the more I have to face the music. I have to find myself a happy medium before I can start feeling better. This will be the hardest thing for me.

I know that this doesn't make sense but my OCD I have been activly fighting for years. I have fought them so much that they almost went away. And now that I sit here I need my OCD to keep on going.. without them I can not be the mother I want to be. I can not be the wife that Hubby wants me to be and I sure as hell can't be happy with myself without my OCD. I know none of this is comprenhendable but somewhere along the lines of pregnancy/motherhood and weightloss I lost myself. I let it happen. Yet I am astranged from myself and the world around me.

I have been reading lately to get rid of my sense of self and forget about my problem, yet just the same as alcohol once your sober, you realize that none of your problems went away. I have helped hubby overcome his anger/OCD, he still has OCD but he doesn't have the anger that went along with it.

I on the other hand have grown tired and helpless without my rituals and constant knowlege of life around me. I have much to do to get back to being me and feeling better. I am taking a big step forward this year and fixing my life. I have much to do, and many projects and goals to accomplish. I will make huge strides this coming year. I hope you will all be hear to witness it. I have to go "clean up" my act. So I will see you all tomorrow......


  1. OCD is tough. I have a few obsessions too. The worst is my hair pulling. I literally wrap a single strand around my finger and pull it out from the roots. I can too it for so long and I'll "snap" out of it and realize what I've done.

    OCD does feel comforting in the moment, but it is also soooo exhausting.

    The only thing that's helped me. A nice dose of Prozac.

  2. I am glad to see you check in and I hope you find the way direction you need to go to get back to yourself and get on it. You won 2nd place for percentage in GAG girl! Congrats and happy 2010. ♥



Measurments- sept 1, 2009

L arm: 12.5
R arm: 12.5
L thigh: 26
R thigh: 25.5
L calf: 15
R calf: 14.5
Bust: 34.5
Waist: 37
Thighs: 40.5