140.0

so I went to go take my pic of my scale and guess what I found to my surprise?


Yup that says 140.0! Now I will have my 16 week challenge as 141.5 but to wake up and see 140 even, it did really make my day! and I do feel it too! my jeans slipped right on and I am wearing a normal bra(no more nursing bra for this momma!) I feel great in my cloths! I am loving this! I can't wait to see all the comments I get on xmas from everybody! I have 5 more lbs to go thats it!

I feel petite

So, today I weighed in at 141.5! I am happy about the number but not happy about how. I am still barely eating anything. I am forcing myself to eat so I have cal coming in but I know my deficient is way too high.

I feel smaller today too. I do not actually know where I feel smaller but I do feel smaller over all. except for my tummy. Its a sad thing to know that you can lose so much weight but not lose that one area. Oh well.

My PT came over last night and taped up my shoulders again so I should be able to get to xmas without killing myself. Yesterday I made 2 batches of cookies and a batch of brownies. Uh what a lot of work...

Anyway, Today is the last day of the GAG challenge. My starting weight was 152.0, I am happy to say that I lost 10lbs! tonight I will be taking measurements to see how far I have come and I will also take a pic of what I look like now. Alot in my life has changed in the past 16 weeks. Between new friends and new outlook on my body and all the shenanigans that went on these past 16 weeks. I am happy with my results. Most important about my weight loss in this challenge is that I never went back up in weight. I am proud that I was able to maintain that stinkin' 144 for so long. Prob the best feeling that I have is that I feel petite again. I have always been small and at my largest pre-pregnancy (155) I still felt small. But now that I am 14lbs under that I feel the same again. I feel small enough to wrap my arms around myself and say I am proud of my body.

I still have many flaws where my body is concerned and my stretchmarks are more scars than anything but I know in time they will start to fade more. The only one problem I have is my stomach, no matter how much weight I have lost it is still the same. Most of my stomach has remained skin... And it only looks worse with the more weight I lose. Yes I can hide it, but at the end of the day I can not hide from myself. It is something I have to live with and I hope to grow to love. I am unique and no matter what flaws I have it just makes me more me!

I am proud of how far I have come and what this challenge has given to me, it really is a great gift! Best of all I will be wearing a skirt for xmas. I know I still have my thunder thighs but I feel that they have gone down so much that it is time to be more daring with my body. Except I'm gonna try not to hurt myself in the process ;)

I feel confident I feel sexy I feel petite, I know I still will cover what flaws I feel I have but it doesn't mean I can't strut my stuff! I know I can never wear a bikini again (and god knows I LOVE bikini's) but hey you can't win them all!

I have 6.5 more lbs to go! I am excited to say that I know I can do this. I can make that last push to get there. I will be 135 and I will stay there too. I have other great news too, my PT says my pupps scars will go away, once I finish losing the weight and once I am officially done producing any sort of milk. I feel as if the less milk I produce the more like myself I am. I am officially down to two feedings, one in the middle of the night and one first thing in the morning. both out of sheer laziness and comfort.

I am assuming that my lack of appetite has to do with my milk production. Since both have simultaneously decreased. Although oddly I do not feel hungry after not eating. I feel that that is the oddest part of all. I have always been able to eat, and never have been able to say no to food. But, something is different. Maybe cause of my milk it is hormone related. Well I will never know. I will just maintain a healthy outlook on food through this rough time and hope that I will return back to normal soon.

Hell, all I know is I want a glass of wine! I want to enjoy my Xmas and I want to celebrate my weight loss! And everyone that was part of GAG should do the same! Enjoy live up to your accomplishments! Celebrate!

This year is almost over, Emotionally it has been a long year, physically it has taken a long hard tole on my body. I have accomplished so much during this year that I am surprised at myself. More importantly I am proud of myself. My accomplishments include breastfeeding as long as I did, losing 50lbs, going paperless, working the entire year at one location. Maintaining a household and family. Having xmas taken care of before xmas eve. ( I even did xmas cards and baking!) I have organized and mainstreamed many things in my life. I know there is more that has to be done to accomplish my ideals in life but that's why 2009 was a year to get back on my feet. To start working to focus on my goals and achievements for my life.

Now that GAG is over I will be using this blog for my new years posts. I have always been one to reflect on the past year and to look forward to a new year. I will be tuning into the future and closing out of the past. Hope to see everyone do the same!

I'M BAAAACCCCK!

Hello! I'm back, not feeling back to normal but I will get there.. it has been a really long week for me... and starting last Wednesday (I have no idea why) I lost all my appetite. So I have been having under 1000 cal, I am down to 141! OUCH! I have no desire for any food and no fluids either.... This is one of the oddest things in the world to me... Friday I had half a serving of pasta for lunch (200 cal) I tried to have soup for dinner (under 100 cal) Saturday I had half a small piece of steak with a piece of rye break (200 cal) I had a yogurt and my tea (200 cal) I had a small piece of catfish for dinner(150 cal) Sunday I had hot coco(200 cal) I had a piece of rye bread (120cal) Another small piece of catfish (150 cal) and dinner I had a hamburger no bread no nothing just meat with bbq sauce (200 cal) I had some chips in between too maybe 250 cal, That was it... and the worst part I had to force myself to eat all of that... Also this morning All I had was two small slices of rye bread with a lil margarine maybe at most 250 cal oh I had orange juice so that would push it up to 370. which is fine for breakfast, but I am not hungry one bit. I have no desire to eat or anything...

So, now that I got my bad eating habits out of the way, why is all of this coming to pass... well...

I have been reading all week, I read an entire series(three books) I read them several times... its like a good movie that you always want to watch over and over again... problem is this series is drivin me up a wall... I love to read and get so drawn in but these books are so much more... even though it is very little about the content within the book it is all about the relationships... I don't think anyone would see these books the way I do. I have this recollection of me and my best friend and the stupid shit we do, our relationships and our friendship. Now, I wouldn't be so emotional about all of this if it weren't for the fact that the BFF bitch lives in Iceland...

I have not seen her in over 2 years... and I prob will not see her again for years to come. I am beyond depressed about this. She really is my world. I feel very alone without her. I know that this is something I just have to deal with, and something I spent hours crying about back in hs, but I can't change how I feel. I wish more than anything that I can go there and spend some time with her... I wish I could be myself again the way we used to be.

Well that is what has been eating me up these past few days. Something I have no control over... depression is a great weight loss catalyst sometimes... I really had no intentions of losing all that weight, but somewhere between breastfeeding less, being in way too much pain and missing the hell out of my bff... made me just want to stop eating all together.

I am at a very odd place in my life right now. Between weight loss a new family, trying to get back to who I was. Not being able to live my life the way I want because of my living arrangements. Which by the way hubby went in an all out bitch mode the other night how he can not take this any more either... He went into full analyze mode too, he is tryn to figure out how to pay off all our bills and save money and get out of this house. Last night I was so depressed about everything and he is tryn to talk to me about everything and I was just not able to. He says after the holidays he wants to find a different job hopefully in his field. I am happy to hear this. We will see how it all goes. I am just not with it. I hope that xmas will make me feel better.

I am off, yesterday I weighed in at 141... I didn't get a chance this morning but tomorrow I will. I have no idea where I lost the weight, but anyway.. lata people thanks for all of you caring. XOXO

oh the pain

so Tuesday my shoulder was dislocated, than after it went back in we realized that I ripped/pulled the tendons in my upper arm.. in alot of pain, so typing has not been a possibility lately.... sorry, I will be back tomorrow... lov ya all!

I can get this right!

I know I can get this working out thing right. More importantly I have people wanting me to succeed! Pushing me to "keep moving forward" (Meet the Robinsons)...

Well if you haven't guessed by now no yesterday I never made it to work out. My daughter took forever to go to sleep and than at night hubby and me were spending some time together. I did get a bunch of stuff done when my daughter fell asleep but none of them was a workout.

Well I am over here taking it one day at a time. Today is a walk, I hope cause it is absolutely freezing outside!

Yesterday I did fantastic with eating, I had aprox 1500 cal, give or take 50. I was a little low on water but not by much. I didn't workout but I was able to stay relaxed most of the day. I did read which soo made me feel better.

I got this new book, "The secret desires of a soccer mom." I am sooo getting the biggest kick out of this book! I love to read and it makes me feel more relaxed in my own reality.

Yet, I didn't work out. SO, today will be a new day! Oh, I have a great idea, every nap time I put the baby down and go use the treadmill, I will be right close to her but I will be in a different room so the lights can stay off! And than after I am done, just hop right into the shower! Oh I am trying this today, despite my walk tonight! I just have to move everything so I can get to the treadmill. I will do it! I know I get a high from being on the treadmill so, today is the perfect day to start! Now, why have I never though of that before? I can even set up my laptop on top of the w/d and go on exercisetv.tv Oh, how stupid I can be! Ok, well everyday is a new day so I will keep working hard!

Thank you!

Well if there is one thing I know I can count on you ladies to be there for me!
EC you are my rock when I am in a hard place, I can always rely on you to get me through whatever and always with a smile!
SL You make me laugh, thank you for always reminding me to breath, hubby has to do the same. Its something I have never been able to grasp the concept of. Thank you for being my little reminder to take it easy.
CM what would I ever do without you! I swear if it wasn't for you I would have killed myself by now, you always are so supportive and give such great options to get me through. You know just what to say and your always there for me! I couldn't ask for a better friend!
AL MY FAV! I love your brutal honesty! Yes I would say that being home the second half of the day is way harder than my job! What would I do without you, your slap in the face "wake up" keep going, its just what it is, is so motivating. Thank you

Thank you all 4 of you, I though I was just going on all by myself but I guess there are a few of you who care enough to dedicate time to my ramblings, and craziness. I appreciate everything you ladies say and take it very much to heart, for your hearts are full of love and compassion!

And yet again, the people I find myself growing close to... are SOOO FAR AWAY!!!! uhh, why can't I be normal and have friends close to where I live... uhh! haha, JK, you all are close to me cause you all have a special place in my heart. Thank you!

Off the wagon, Hangin in there (really really long)

So lately with all the crazies that I have been going through I have completely been falling behind. I have been so fixated on other parts of my life that I feel like I am falling apart. I have so much on my mind and on my hands that I can not concentrate on what is really important... MY HEATH! Ia am part of GAG, I am here to give a gift to myself. A gift that is to be healthy and lose the excess weight. Well I lost 8lbs, I fit into my prepreg cloths I eat fairly healthy but I DO NOT WORKOUT AT ALL.

Why is this such a problem, well I have several reasons for working out, first and foremost for my health and weight. But that is an overall and surface aspect of the matter. I want muscle mass! I used to be very muscular, I loved it very much I was strong and had ample flexibility. Now, after my pregnancy, I sit here weak and flexible but not as I was.

I used to be a gymnast, and I have always told myself that I want to maintain my gymnast body, the tight legs, the strong arms, the tough midsection... well I'm just a big butterball that can't do anything anymore! I need to get back to where I was. I say need because it is not something I want it is something I very much need.

A need is something we are required to have, for life and health. It is not a material thing, it is not something disposable and is not something that money can buy. I need to feel fit and be active. I need to be able to have the physical stamina to keep after my ever growing daughter. I need to feel good about my body.

Now where else does fitness find itself in my needs. Working out is a stress reducer, I have more stress than I can handle. I am great at managing stress emotionally but on a physical level my body is falling apart and I can not keep up with picking up the pieces. Along with stress reducer being active and working out helps keep me focused and motivated.

Getting through a workout for me is very rewarding I feel motivated 'cause I feel I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I feel a scene of focus because I have committed to something and accomplished it and find myself committing to other things that need to get done and also staying focused till the task is complete!

Now the scene of relaxation after a full day of completed tasks is another great feeling, I love going to sleep knowing I did everything I had to I made great progress with my health and in my overall goals.

Well, this is fine and dandy when things ACTUALLY happen but I have not worked out for a week, I feel behind and disgusted with myself. I have not maintained myself even in my blog community. I fell apart somewhere along the line. Something happened that I can not figure out. I want to do more and find myself unable to reach my goals.

Yesterday I stayed home from work, kind of a mental health day (that cost me 50 bucks). I just couldn't pull myself out of bed to get on with life till about 12pm, till I had to. I am exhausted with everything in my life at this point. I feel like I am hanging on by my pinkeye's from the last car of a roller coaster ride from hell. I am at a point that I am not even sure where I should start up again.

All I know is what I need, I need my family and they need me, I need my health, I need my job, I need my savings account to grow.

Then there are my goals in life, finish school and get my CPA, write a book or 3. Be a fit and healthy individual for the rest of my life. Have a long loving relationship with my family.

Than there are my wants, I want to be paperless, I want to be able to read every day, I want to work from home, I want to have a nice big house, I want to be successful and have financial security( I would say wealthy, but money isn't everything to me, so having financial security to have everything I want and need is beyond enough.) I want to go on vacation, I want an e-reader, I want the perfect body(in my standards not society), I want to be able to enjoy my life more. I want to be able to go out and enjoy time with my friends. I want new cloths(than again I always want and get new cloths so this is a wash). I want the best for my family. I want more kids.

Well, you get the idea, my wants can go on forever...

Now My goals and needs should be focused on a plan together. My needs can always wait.

My main focus are my needs: family/health/job/money, Now I do not "need" money it is more of just a necessity of life. So having my job covers life expenses and a savings account balance above what it is will help me start working on my life goals.

First family: Family to me is more than just love and happiness, it is providing for them, making sure they have a home cooked meal every night and a nice clean living environment. I want my daughter to grow up loved and happy, in a good home and have a stable relationship with both me and hubby. I want her to enjoy learning and be a well rounded individual. I want her to be hardworking and determined in life. I want to show hubby every day that I love him and that our marriage is more important than anything else in this world.
So I know I dedicate every ounce of myself to my family as it is. I have restricted my "family" down to just me,hubby and the baby. Because everything else is a want more than a need. Need is immediate. So it is immediate family only, It does include my mom, and hubby's parents and close family in it but when I think of our needs it only involves 2 other people.

Second health: Health is something I need for myself, I need to be fit and stress free in mind body and soul. My focus on my family has taken away from this aspect of my needs. Without my health I know that I can not give to my family what is required of me. I can not focus on the necessities if I can not focus and preform my duties as a mother and wife. Yet I fail short every day at making some sort of balance between the two of them.

Without the balance between my family and health the other necessities that are required in my life have neg. affects. I lose days at work, which means I lose pay. And with the loss of pay I wind up losing the money that is to be in our savings account.

My goal before any other is to obtain a sort of balance between my life's needs. Overall I can not complain about my life, we live well, have a big house that we live in (so its shared), we are happy, we have more than what we need in life, my daughter is happy and healthy. I have to focus on my health before I can focus on my goals in life. I need to be healthy and manage a good household before I can add finishing school to my plate. That and we will need money in order for me to go back to school.

Well focusing on my health is two fold, what I put in and what I put out. Now that is not what goes in one hole and out the other... it is the amount of nutrition that goes in and the amount of cal that goes out. I would normally say the cal in and the cal out YET, the is over all health and I need healthy food choices not just low cal. I am not so much trying to lose weight because I am over weight, I am trying to lose weight to be healthier and stronger... Also, I have to remember that taking care of my appearance is also an aspect of my health. Looking the part is half of feeling the part. So shaving, doing my hair and makeup, dressing nice, all these things matter. And they matter in my relationship too. Appearance also matters to my daughter, I want her to grow up knowing that it is proper to go out looking your best to feel your best.

So I have to find time EVERYDAY, to exercise, eat right and get all pretty. This is along with doing dishes, cleaning, cooking, keeping the house organized, taking care of my daughter's every need, taking care of hubby's most every need, being all that I can as a mom and wife.

Eating wise I have been doing much better, and I have also been keeping hubby on a good track too. since it is winter time I have been baking dinner in the oven more often which is always a healthier option. Even if its just bbq pork ribs, if you saw the amount of fat that burns right off! So some not so healthy options are always more healthy in the oven.

Seeing how I already cook and clean ALL DAY! I need to focus on the exercise and maintaining my appearance part. With the lack of energy that I always feel, both of these areas suffer greatly! Well no not really its more ASTRONOMICALLY, that these area's suffer. I am great a going for a walk once a week, maybe getting 1 workout in here and there. But, none of that is enough! There has to be consistency and dedication on a daily basis. I need to focus on a daily regimen of taking care of myself, ME TIME! Something that even when my daughter doesn't nap that can be done, something that will be productive towards a new healthier me! I have to find a set time and agenda for all of this.

I need to pull myself off that roller coaster car and make it to the front so I can start steering... First I have to find a way to get my hands on the last car, you know get a good grasp, than I have to find the strength in me to pull myself into the car. Once I can do that I can slowly start moving myself to the first car... I am going to look at the last car as my health. The basis for ALL my needs, goals and wants. Once I get into that first car I will be able to keep going. But for now I am still barely hanging on.

My first step is to get my fingers grasped tightly to that last car, I want to start with one walk a week (cause its cold), and 2 workouts a week along with stretching and sit-ups one other day a week. That will be 4 workouts a week, Well I will not call them all workouts because they are barely at that level. My walk should be an hour(or as long as I can withstand the cold), the two workouts should be about a half hour and the stretching... well how ever long it takes to do 50 sit-ups and stretch out all my muscles, along with 50 jumping jacks and 100 leg lifts(50 each side)...

The other thing I have to do is take my vitamins daily. As a breastfeeding momma I am losing precious bone density and nutrition that need to be replenished by supplements DAILY, or twice a day. I always feel better when I have my vitamins and I have to start full strength to take my vitamins and not forget... I should take Calcium every morning and every night. Between stronger bones and helping you sleep better at night it should be considered a super drug...

I have to eat smaller portions again. Most days I do well, Yet on others I find that I can not help myself. I need to measure everything and I need to use more control when it comes to things that are sweet. One day I wish I could say that the only sugar I have is the 2 tsp in my tea but I know that is a long and painful time away.

I have to pre-make veggies for me and my daughter, I can not be cooking veggies and a full dinner for hubby every night. I have been great to replace white potatoes with a healthier option lately but I need to continue with a more time friendly alternatives.

Speaking of friendly alternatives for veggies:
I have a easy receipe that is oh so yummy, Now the original receipe calls for all sorts of Root veggies but I decided for the sake of easy and eddible, I would stick with just carrots and sweet potatoes aka yams. I do not have a name for this dish but here it is:

1 sweet potato -chopped to desired size
1 carrot or two -chopped to desired size
1/4 cup maple syrup (or however much you want just enough to coat the veggies)
some cinnamon
some nutmeg
and some ground ginger

put them in a casserol dish, mix them till everything is evenly coated, than cover with aluminum foil and bake in oven for 1/2 hour, or till everything is nice and soft. uncover and cook for a few more min to dry up all the juice.
Thats it! all the prep time is in cutting up the potato and carrot (after being peeled of course) but its a 5 min prep time! Now I am not a fan of sweet potatoes, But this dish so hits the spot. Best of all just a little makes you feel nice and full!

now:
Dinner should only take me 45 min, maybe an hour if it is something that needs a long time to cook. But I have a time frame of 230-7 every day to do things, My daughter will sleep most days from 4-530. Sometimes it's 3-430/5 it all depends but I have about an hour every day to myself. Along with 3.5 other hours of time to accomplish tasks for my health and family.

There are few things in this time frame that have to get done, eat lunch, make dinner and make sure my daughter goes down for a nap. I should shower while she naps instead of at night or in the morning, yet... if I work out that means I have to just shower again.... well anyway my daughter goes to sleep at 730-8, so maybe as soon as she goes to bed would be the best time to shower, I want to avoid working out late at night. I would rather have time for me and hubby. Now why is scheduling a shower a big deal, well yesterday I took a shower with baby just hangin out in the bathroom with me... she tried to go for the towel on the rack fell backwards and hit her head on the floor... dumb child, yet.... I want to try to avoid this... believe me she went down and I was out that shower so quick, the floor was all wet and I used my daughter as my towel! She stopped crying right away, it wasn't that she got too hurt but she was upset cause of the shock of falling... like I said dumb kid but I love her... so shower time for mommy is quite important, I never have time to shave cause I'm either running cause I got to get to work in the am or I got to go run after my daughter... oh how I would love to just take a nice shower.. (hubby still doesn't get it.)

Anyway, enough with my daily antics, I need a half hour a day to work out/walk/stretch. My walk I can take any time from 3-8pm. My daughter tags along and has loads of fun! I already have plans with my neighbor to go for a walk this Friday at 730 after dinner. So today being Thursday I need to get a workout in. Than Saturday and Sunday I need another workout and 1 day of stretching.... I can do this! I have to do this! I am going to write my workouts on my calender! I will also be re-evaluating everything I do on a daily basis to fit in fitness!

Oh god someone wish me a miracle! But I will get this done! my final inside the roller coaster car will be me working out 6 days a week! Eating 1500 cal or under a day, and I will start weight training! I will log all food on my Calcount account. I will eat healthy choices and I will do this day in and day out! I am setting a goal end date to meet, I want to be in that coaster car by Jan 31st!
That gives me a month and a half! That also means that I have plenty of time to create a good habit!

Once I get to the point where I am working out 6 days a week(a half hour workout or an hour walk will be enough) and eating a lower cal diet, but eating healthy options and cutting out major sweets... Than I will start to focus on other aspects of my life.

Sorry for such a long post, but I have to reason with myself and get everything out in the open. I have to be very frank with myself too. I can do this, I know what I have to focus on. I will make it....

OH SHIT!

I completely forgot to weigh myself this morning. I will do it when I get home but it will not be the same.

Yesterday hubby did a very bad thing. Dunkin donuts! I asked for only a hot chocolate, he came home with a dozen donuts 2 just for me.... uhhh I had one last night and one this morning, CRAP I did a bad thing. I even told him he wasn't supposed to buy donuts cause he knows I can't have them. Or at least he shouldn't have bought my FAV! Anyway food yesterday I did very good, I had a tiny bit of pasta(maybe 10 pieces 1/2 cup cooked) and I just ate the meatballs, I know not "healthy" but it filled me up with protein instead of carbs.. Than dinner I had yams and carrots and some apple, with 1/3 cup potato and one piece of pork, all baked in the oven with a tiny bit of EVOO...

Soooo, the donut was not horrible adding to my very good day but it was not a wise choice! Now today I have to make up for the donut too. Which means, tiny lunch and light dinner.... I have no idea what I'm doing for dinner..

Today will be a super busy day, First it is my mother-in-law's bday, She doesn't get home till about 8 but I have to get her something for her birthday and I have to go and finish up the last few presents. Uh, I am so overwhelmed. All I want to do is get in a nice workout! I woke up late this morning, I'm tired as all hell and I know a nice walk or workout would sooo put me in the right mood! I also need a nice long nap.

Thanking my lucky stars!

So, after a whole night of my computer working hard to get rid of corrupted files it finally started working again at 4 this morning. I already transferred all of my photos! I have a few dozen songs left on my old laptop, I will try to take those this afternoon. After that I am going to use the computer as a storage device. It is slow and useless because it has no drivers but it will store plenty of files! I might lose a picture or two along the way but I take like 20 pics of the same thing all the time so its not that big of a loss.

I am happy that I was able to get back up and running on a new laptop thanks to best buy credit! sux but it comes in handy when you need it. Oh, as a netbook owner I needed to buy an SD card to store files on not to take up too much room on my sleek netbook. I got an 8GB SD card, guess what? Its half FULL! Not the best news in the world but I have all my pics and files on there. ALL of them. So Since I have a backup of ALL my pics I will be deleting a few off my card (like the 19 duplicates that I mentioned above).

I feel so advanced! I can carry my netbook, ipod, camera and cellphone all together in my purse! None of them weigh that much and they all keep long batteries! I think its a little sick that I was uploading pics this morning from a thumb drive to an SD card in my car. But hey that's just life. I do like the lighter more portable feel! So, this means that I will not be getting that e-reader. Hubby thinks I was crazy for wanting one but, boo hoo to him! I love to read and he loves video games, I want an e-reader and he wants the PSP go, neither of us are getting either at this point but that's fine. The laptop was a very unexpected necessity, I think I will be missing my old laptop heat in the middle of the night keeping my lap warm, while it overheated and worked slowly. Not to say that my new netbook is fast and spiffy its spiffy but thats' about where it ends.

I can not do that much with a single core processor. Very antiquated but for what I need it is plenty. I can blog, be paperless and light too! I have all my memory off the netbook which helps! But I think I have to keep my ebooks off the netbook also, I think it slows it down.

Now, all I have to do is keep my daughter away from my new netbook so she doesn't break it and I should be set. I gave her my old laptop and she dropped it on the floor twice, sat on it, jumped on it, smashed the keyboard, pulled the screen back way to far, and even tripped over it several times! Uh, the abuse! but I will be storing that laptop in a secret location away from my little monster! No matter how cute she is, she is still just like her father, DESTRUCTIVE! She got yelled at last night for eating mommy's year book! Oh yea, she really got it good too! I am not one for being a mean mommy but some times you just have to have them know what's right and wrong.

Unfortunately it makes me look like a bad mommy but oh well. My daughter is a good and happy little girl, I am not worried.

well, there is one bad part about the netbook now that I think about it... Exercisetv.tv See with a 10" screen it is hard to watch videos on it. So I guess I will just use the PS3 to go on line, It will take some figuring out. I can do Youtube, but a different website I don't know how to yet.

Ok, now enough about new technology and gadgets, back to the old grind of the human body. With the big question for this weekend, Did I work out? can anyone answer that for me? I will give you a hint its a 2 letter word... its a bad word... yea, NO I did not work out this weekend. I was doing so great Saturday morning, that once my computer crashed I guess so did I. Well today is another day! I will work out today and I will eat better, Actually I did eat well this weekend! That's half of the battle isn't it?

Ok well I am at work and have tons of work to accomplish, I will try to stop by everyone's blog to visit and say hi. Talk to you all soon!

What a weekend

Wow it has been two really long days. So, I had to go buy myself a new laptop cause mine completly went! I mean competly I can't even figure out why. All I know is I was working on dowloading music and ebooks, I made a spreadsheet of my books and which I had gotten as an ebook, I was chugging along. downloading xmas music, getting everything done... than my laptop battery died! BIG mistake, it had been 2 days since I started everything I was doing. I was making so much progress, that when my computer tried to do a recovery for my ebooks spreadsheet it just went! I tried everythinh. than when I did the system restore, it did it but was unable to boot up again... uh anyway... I had to get myself a new laptop cause now I am copletly paperless and if I don't have a laptop I will be a complete mess! So I went on best buy and said I will get myself a net book. So I am sitting here typing to you all on my tiny netbook. I am having a very hard time trying to type on this thing. It is not easy at all!

I do very much like my new netbook though. I have almost everything that I need back on here. All I need is openoffice, which is what I used instead of windows office, cause I am not in school currently and there is no way I am going to spend over 100 bucks on that program! All I need is a word processor and I'm good! So anyway, I was happy with myself for under 500 bucks I have a new computer that has all the capabilities as my old one in a nice tiny package. Tiny is good only cause it is easier for me to carry without being soo damn heavy!

I am actually surprised that my old laptop lasted 3 years. Ever since I was 18 and got my first laptop they only last me a year! SO three years was a life time with that laptop! It was very good to me even though we had our problems.. I had to bring it back to life about 4 times, it had a new mother board and a new hard drive in it from about last year in September/October.

Now luckly on Thursday I decided to back up all my files, I kept on forgetting and finally did it in the knick of time. Now As for my photos, I had them all saved on my Ipod, and the computer was giving me too many problems the transfer them over that I had to just stick with them on my ipod, that means that I have to use hubby's laptop to transfer them to a thumb drive to transfer them to my new computer.

Oh, the most interesting part about this netbook is no cd/dvd drive. now at first your thinking oh shit well that sux but in actuallity you do not need one! I know I need to hook up my all in one printer but you are able to download the printer disk from the website, I need Itunes, openoffice, ereader, internet, my camera, and any other programs I have are downloadable. And any other information I need just has to be put on a thumb drive before putting it onto my computer. The only other thing I get that would be on disk is when my brother in law makes cds of music for my daughter, which can simply be put on a thumb drive!

Well now the only problem I came accross is that the pictures on my ipod can not be transfered back over. So I am trying to get back onto my old laptop as I type, this isn't going too well! It looks like I would have had to click store full version of file on my photos before uploading them. I hope I can retreave them. these are all the pics of my daughter since she was born. I have a few but not many. I know my Ipod will be around for a very long time but not forever. I need to be able to get ahold of all of those pics! uhh the frustrations! Well it isn't going very well over here. Hubby says cause I'm a pc and he is a mac... blablabla.

Anyway, I will go so I can get some more stuff done over here... Lata, I hope everyone has been having a wonderful weekend... I will try to be better about comenting, just been so busy latley.

Good news VS Bad news

So where should I start the good or the bad?

Ok bad:
apt is single occupancy - so its a no go for 3 people
a 2 bedroom in town rented for 900 bucks like 2 weeks ago! Someone shoot me!
hubby and me had another fight.. :(

Now for the good:
Fight didn't last long, I feel that it is helping us make some sort of progress in our relationship. (which is always a good thing)
I was able to take a nice 2 hour nap yesterday, which I soo needed
I have 4 people besides myself looking for an apartment for me- Way to round up the troops!
I started downloading music to my ipod, so I have my italian music again- it makes me feel much better.
I have been doing more working out lately! GO ME!
I have been accomplishing tasks at a phenomenal rate(everything but laundry)
I have the cutest and crazy-ist child in the world!
since finding an apartment will be a long journey- we are going to pay off all debts that we owe- we hope it works, maybe we can increase our budget 200 bucks... we shall see.
hubby got his hours increased at work = raise!
I should also be getting a raise this new year! - We can do this!
I am in a very happy Christmas spirit today! - despite everything life is good!


I know that everything happens for a reason and I have to focus on that, life might stress me out and life might make me upset but in reality there is nothing I can complain about look at the difference in my lists! Life is good! I really have nothing to complain about, I have a loving hubby who occasionally I want to kill (but who doesn't occasionally want to kill their hubby- that's just life! ) My daughter is the best thing in this world! Last night all three of us were cuddling on the couch and she was forcing me and hubby's face together to kiss! ahahaha, hey I know she doesn't want us to fight either. She loves both of us!

So, you see that with all my ups and downs life is still good, I am healthy, so is hubby and he is also finally feeling better, my daughter is a healthy growing baby. Literally, she is having a growth spurt and I think she is having more teeth come in too. And she is still a pleasant little girl. Which I am soo blessed to have! Not only are we healthy but, I am feeling better about myself and my weight loss journey. I know it is not over, I have been back on track these past few days. I plan on losing these last 4 lbs by the end of the year and February for the last 5!

I plan on making big progress! I can do this! We can do this! 'Cause I know that I am not alone! There are times when I feel like shit and times I feel like giving up but not giving up is what it is all about. I know that everything I need in life I will have. And I have everything I need right now. I just have to find comfort in what I have and not be greedy with what I do not have!
Hell the only thing I want that I don't have is a place to call my own home. But, alas! I shall wait a be patient because it is those that wait that get what they need. I do not need much, so I can wait. I won't wait long, and I will be persistent in my search but I will not force anything.

Hubby yesterday was taken back and a little struck with fear that I might have found a place that we would move to by the end of the year. I think I might be moving a little fast for him. He isn't one for change like I am. So I have to take it easy with him. I don't want to put him in any sort of situation that will make him uncomfortable. Yet he did say that I should just find a place and let him know when we have to move, that all this back and forth between real estate agents and apartment maybe's drive him up a wall. So maybe I should calm down a little, I have a few people looking for me, I will continue to look myself but, nothing that is before February 1, give hubby some peace of mind for the holidays.

I love him very much and we have an agreement to work together through everything, so finding the right apartment by myself will not fly for me, weeding through to find a few that he can choose from, well I think we have a compromise. I will not bother hubby with what agents say, all the different options we have and the likes, I will involve him when I feel that it is his decision to choose from a select list of good enough for a family apartments!

I know that in a few months time- by the time we find something, he will be more accepting of the move, it took him about 6 months to care about our finances. Now he sits there like a hawk on top of our money situation. Its just so cute to see him all over what has to be done and what we can save and what needs to be paid. I can kind of sit back and watch the show, even though I am the one that pays the bills. :) It's just cute to see how far he has come, from never having a job, or responsibilities to having a family, a job, keeping finances, taking care of a child all day, knowing and caring about every little detail, making plans, scheduling stuff. Hell he used to say "I leave everything to my secretary" (his mom) , ahahaha, those days are long gone! I am so proud of him.

Yes, we are young, this is why all of this is relevant. Hubby is less than a year out of college. So I know that with each new thing we encounter it will be a new task and a new learning experience for him. I am ok with this, life is a learning experience. I have been doing all these things since I was 15, so I am seasoned at this point, I sometimes get frustrated with him but I know that he is doing the best he can. I also know my in-laws think I'm crazy when I say, we need to take it slow. That him working 4 hours a day is more than enough at the moment, he has to get used to going out every day for X amount of hours with a purpose! Its like having a part time job in high school. Its the best way to start. Hubby's hours will increase 2 days out of 5, to ease him into full time. I asked if he wanted to do more and he said he barely wanted to do those two days. Eventually, he will say its a piece of cake, but until than we will take it slow.

So, for the next month I will be taking it slow, just adjusting to the learning curve that hubby is at. I have to realize that we are different, and that working together is the most rewarding feeling in the world. I can slow down, I know I WANT to move out now, but I do not NEED to move out now. I told hubby the other day that I need to make this move as easy as possible not to disrupt the baby and her routine and not to throw her off track and everything, but I forgot about my love, my hubby is just the same, still young and inexperienced in doing things on his own. We have a long life to live and we have our life together, there is no need to rush through all of it.

Well, like I said I am very much in the Christmas mood! I will enjoy every day left of this year to the fullest and start on my new years resolution to pick my head up and look around enjoy life, don't just run through it! This will be a learning curve for me, so I guess I have to take a page out of hubby's book for this one!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I found an apartment!!!!

Seriously! I know its a basement, but I know the woman that is renting and she has a big house and a very nice house. It is close to where we are now, but in a different town. I will be closer to my mom, which could be good or bad. BUT, I am happy cause the woman renting it is such a nice lady and if she met my daughter (sucker for cute kids), she would practically rent it for free!!!! I am having my mom call this afternoon to find out! Uhh, Oh GOD PLEASE!!!!! Now the other thing is if it is the full basement than the apartment is HUGE! I really really wish this goes through. Cause I know if it does this is really a god sent. I will push it off till the first if I can but I soo want to move asap. The other thing, knowing my mother if this apartment is good for us and works, she will help us pay for the down payment. I know it sucks that I need her help but at this point I do to move out asap. I just hope that everything goes well. I have soo much to do if we do get this apartment and it all has to be done now! Wow, so much for having 3 months! Oh I am so excited, I was jumping for joy before.. hehehe, one of the guys I work with must really think I'm crazy... oh well!

So I am hoping that it is for 900, if so that will be 1800 bucks we need. We can so do the 900 and than if my mom helps us with the other 900 or if the woman says that we can pay just 450, WOW! Now I know that they aren't in any sort of financial crisis both of them are retired its a big house and their daughter just moved out from the upstairs. So they have no need for the basement and would prob enjoy the extra income instead of rely on it. This is a positive for me. I know that I would love to offer as much as possible to them but I can't at the moment.

I will even tell her that I will pay her more when we have more but right now we just don't. I sooo hope that this is going to go in the right direction! I so don't want to jinks it, but if this goes through I will be moving!!!! AND... It would have met my goal of by the end of the year! YAHHHH! Oh I love meeting my goals! Now if I could just lose 10lbs????

So I was all sluggish today now I am all nerves waiting to find out more from my mom. It might take a day or so but I will find out soon! AH got to go do work... lata!

workout

My spirits are awfully low today, I don't even know why? Yesterday I had a great EA workout! I enjoyed it very much. I love the new EA that much more too. It really does target more areas and the new workouts make it more fun and much more rewarding. I burned 90 cal yesterday it was not that much but it was just 20 min and soo fit into my busy day from yesterday.

It must be cause I'm swamped at work or that I am so soar but I am in such a bad funk today. I will be around later... hope you all have a wonderful day!

weighloss recap

So I have been slacking in posting about my weighloss because I have been so busy (spoke to a real estate agent today more on that later)

Well I have been doing fine, I am still at 144, which after being up last week and all the pie I ate this past weekend I feel that that is a major SUCCESS! Anyway. I do have to say that I have still been walking which is also a plus for me. I have not be completely dead the past few days. Today during nap time I will be using my ea active. I can't wait. Dinner will be super easy tonight, and I have a long list of "to do's" but I can not do them unless my daughter is awake, so nap time today is mommy time! Oh how I need mommy time. I am very happy to be back on schedule! I will be putting myself in high gear the next few weeks to make up for lost time.

By the end of GAG I want to lose these last 4lbs and get down to 140 even! My ultimate goal at 135, I had originally planned for February. It is still very realistic! I am fine with this time frame it will give me plenty of time to get there and plenty of time to stay there too.

I do have to say that this weight loss journey I have been on has been crazy. I never though my whole life I would have to "lose weight" or that I would be at a place with my body that I was unhappy. Well I am starting to get used to my body again, it has been a long time coming. I feel that I am able to do what I used to do and this makes me happy.

I have a little plan, I was reading up on e-readers. I really want one. I feel that it would benefit me. I love to ready but a book now a days is so hard to buy, and $10 per e-book is not a bad price. Seeing how most books are $18-$25. I want to put this as a HUGE push for motivation! For my birthday, I want to weigh 130, and if I meet that goal I will get my e-reader. I am hoping that by the summer the prices will go down a little but it is still fairly do-able. they are about $250. It will also help me get my grove back and start writing again. Plus reading helps me de-stress and stay focused. Something I really need in life nowadays. Till then the option I have is to install an e-reader on my laptop. I will be doing this to see how many books I have I can get rid of if I can find them for free in a digital copy. Also my local library has an e-reader website. I will use whatever resources I can. I have 2 large bookcases full of books that I want to do away with. One its less to move, two its less to clean, three its less to deal with.

This blog was created for me to lose weight, but more importantly it is about me being me. reading and writing was such a huge part of my life. Not having that constant focus has taken its toll on me. I know I have that focus stored somewhere in my brain I just have to pull it back out and recharge it. I want to blog about what I read and how it makes me feel. I want to enjoy the philosophy that is in the written word. Yet I do not want to have to deal with bookcases of books or notebooks of paper. I can do this. I know that there are options out there for me and I feel that I have found it.

quick update

I mentioned yesterday about needing plates and glasses. My mom saved my plates from my apartment! so I have plates and she said she has an extra set of glasses for me! Cha-ching! than I though Craigs list for furniture! not the best option, my mom suggested sitting on the floor and eating on the floor... she thinks she is funny. Well I am happy that we need less already! I never heard back from the two apartments that I called yesterday, I will try them again tonight. Wish me luck! Oh I also found out that I am getting an extra week's pay for my bonus! Oh so happy!

EA Active -More Sports

So I got my new EA Active the other day. I tried it out and all I have to say it how much I love the new one. It is much better than the first one but is soo much a continuation of the first game. If you didn't have the first EA Active you will not realize how much better this one was. I feel that you also won't reap the full benifits of the new game if you didn't have the first one. I love the non-remote additions to the game. They foucs on stretching and an amazing cool down. It was great! and it soo isn't a game you can get bored by. The scenery is fantastic and the redisign of the workout structure makes your actual workout better all around. The totourial of what kind of a workout you are getting and the information that they give you is also much more in detailed than the last game. I call it a game but it really is soo much more.

Now as for yesterday, I know that I told you all that we were making plans for our move in June. Well yesterday was our 2 year aniversery. I never had such a miserable day my entier life. It is all due to hubby's family and expecially his no good brother. I mean I went for an hour walk yesterday, I didn't talk to hubby for a few hours. It was really bad. I told him either he moves with me or I move out without him. I can not stand to be here any longer. It has been hard these past few days expecially. I have completly written off my brother -in-law. Since I know he doesn't have a kind or considerate bone in his body I am just refusing to deal with him or talk to him. It will make things better for me. I will also not talk to hubby in front of him and if hubby wants to spend time with me he has to do it without his brother! I am not going to take any more of his shit and hubby knows it. As for moving out, I don't know how we will do it. Of course it won't be ASAP but I hope by March the latest. I am already calling a few people to see options and what they have to offer. I will continue to do so till we find the right place at the right time.

As for furniture and what not, well, I have concluded that we will take my hubby's grandmother's china closet. and that we will buy a table and some small living room furniture. Nothing big, just simple for us. I am going to take the china cabinet for storage( kitchen space is limited) and also for dipslay of breakable items cause of the baby. So it will be two fold and be well used. I know we have to buy plates and glasses and that is all we need for the kitchen we have everything else. Don't ask how I plan to accomplish all of this all at once but it will be done. I also plan on getting rid of everything and anything that is unwanted and unused from here till then. I will not clutter up my apartment because it is bound to be quite small. I will make this work! I know I can and life will be happier cheaper and simpler out of this house of hell.

Now, till then Hubby said I should buy a little tiny pantry and keep it in the basement, I am thinking about using the small cabinet in the kitchen that we use for baking goods, putting all our stuff in there and putting all their stuff in the full size pantry to keep things seperate. Most things in the small cabinet are mine anyway. I just have to add all the other things that are mine, The funny thing is my mother in law would freak to realize that everything in her pantry would be GONE!!!! cause I paid for most of it. oh well, we will see how far these next few weeks take us. I am hoping to do my taxes by Jan 31. This way I can get our full refund by the end of Febuary and we can move at that point. I will be clearing out all of our bills this month and next month. Nothing will be left. I will pay off as much as I can on everything and lower all my monthly bills to be able to afford monthly rent of $900. And fortunatly rent prices have gone down in the past few weeks. There are much more $900 apt for rent. And even one for $850! I will keep you all updated. I have much work to do but I am sure that it will all be done and ready to go...

I will post more later.

Sorry

Sorry for the lack of posts, I have not been feeling myself lately. Also I have been super busy with life. I will be on here more as soon as things start to calm down again... I hope that everyone had a wonderful holiday and that you are all doing well.

stress reducer

So, I find my ownly stress reducer is when things finally fall back into place. Now, for the past few days everything has been a complete mess! Home AND work related. It is the end of our Fiscal year for my company, and also with the holidays we have been doing mailings. Not to mention the short week. So For the past week at work has been quite aray, which is why I have not been posting. I have been working hand in hand with my boss constantly. Now he is one of those people that don't let you work. Uh, I am so happy most days its just me in my office by myself. I get so much accomplished! Well anyway today finally, my boss left me to my own devices and I finished up all the work for the week and caught up on other things that needed to be done. I am pleased to be back on schedule with my work.

As for the home front... WE GOT THE ROTORS!!!! I got a pleasant call at 7:45 this morning that the rotors that came in MATCH! I love when things go right. After I got that phone call I was able to start relaxing and not stress soo damn much! So its a good assumption that sometime within the next 4 days my car (by baby) will be back to her old self. Tomorrow I might get to it, we don't have dinner till 5:30, and it's at family so I don't have to cook. But I do have to make 2 pies. So that will have to get done. Now Friday is completely shot. I still don't even know whats going on, its almost if I might have to say home. We just have to see how it all goes.

I do have to say that I am sooo looking forward to this weekend, I am super excited to try and catch up on some sleep. I know hubby is starting to feel a little better too, which is great. We though for a day or 2 that he might of had to go BACK to the doc... But the antibiotic is starting to work. Thank god!

Little by little things are getting back to what they were. Now, I just have to get back on my way to lose weight. I have slacked like you wouldn't believe! Yesterday I weighed in at 146, but I think alot of it was water weight. I have been having to pee every 5 min, But I am still eating more than I should be. I am starting to cut back again, yet I find myself helpless through all this stress to cook, So for lunch or breakfast or both I have been relying on PBJ's soo bad! its only 390 cal but still, if it keeps on adding up or I decide to be a little generous it jumps to 450! Not to mention that I have been snaking here and there.

Me and hubby both have been feeling the burden, yesterday he felt the same as me. We both want to eat a big full meal but are trying to fill the void with snacks... to no avail.

So I have decided that I am going to make a nice dinner tonight. I have no idea what I will be making. But I have to cook up baby's veggies. Oh I am going to be soo happy, I really have wanted veggies but have had no will power to cook. So I will be making veggies tonight and I want to try something new. Something super yummy.

Any ideas? but remember that hubby doesnt eat veggies... I have the ingredient for clam chowder, but I don't know. Maybe if I do something along with it. Oh! I know, I should do scallops! only problem is I do not have a car to go to the fish market... :( so lets see, I can do scallops and clam chowder on Friday... I know what I am going to do, I have my grandmother's dumpling recipe that I can do, I think hubby will like it! ok well I will be making that for dinner.

Damn I really have to start doing meal planing!
Wednesday: dumplings/beef cubes (dumplings for baby with mushrooms)
Thursday: thanksgiving, make cranberry pie and pumpkin pie (Baby??- rice/stuffing/sweetpotatos/mashed potatos/anything else she wants)
Friday: new England clam chowder and scallops for dinner, lunch eat out (whiting for the baby) (rice and veggies for lunch for baby)
Saturday: Hamburgers/hotdogs with corn for lunch, Pasta with red sauce for dinner (pasta for baby) (carrots for baby for lunch)
Sunday: chicken sandwiches for lunch, bbq ribs with french fries (fries and veggies for baby) (yogurt with oatmeal for lunch for baby)

yea I know that all that doesn't sound like someone that is on a diet but that's the kind of diet that helped me lose 15lbs, I'm weird! Anyway I will also be sub-ing for myself with veggies instead of french fries and I won't eat chicken on bread so I will be eating chicken with veggies. For the hamburgers/hot dogs I don't eat them with bread.... yea I will eat everything else though, just controlling portion size. ok yummy, I'm hungry now. Oh today's lunch I will have my rice and bullion cube, its 165 cal for a very yummy and filling lunch! Thurdsay I will not watch cal but the rest of the weekend my goal is 1300 cal! and workouts, I want to break in my new EA Active!

The munchkin should be napping as soon as I get home so I will be working out then, I am really excited to work out too! I miss moving and grooving, Oh I don't think I posted that me and my mom went for a walk for about an hour and a half on Sunday! It was a very nice and long walk, I really needed it too. I know there are a few things that I have to get done but, after my daughter wakes up if the weather is still good I might walk to the library. we haven't been there in weeks and I would love the walk. (too bad the fish market is way too far to walk)

You know whats funny, since I started living in my hubby's parents house I love going out for walks, I think its a mix of getting out of the house and the neighborhood. I love where we live! The nice, quiet and friendly neighborhood was nothing like where I grew up. I wish we could stay in this town forever, I know it won't happen but I can wish for it still.

Ok well, its been a long week and a long post, I hope that everything is going to be according to plan the next few days. Next week everything should be back to normal. I will be on here more so I hope to see you all soon!

Blasfamy!

I am taking my first free pass! I have been having a very hard time staying on schedule and making any improvements to my diet exercise routine. I was able to scrape up the new EA active and as long as today does not fall apart like the past few days than I can work out and make some new progress.....

The rotors don't fit

Well I don't know how many of you know about cars or breaks but there are break pads and rotors that make a car break. So yesterday I bought breakpads that cost 50bucks and rotors that cost 125! Yikes! anyway I picked up the rotors today, and GUESS WHAT... they are the wrong ones! I have a 5 hole rotor and the ones that they ordered are 4 hole rotors! Now, I went back to the parts place... we checked every GM rotor out there... none fit except the ones that they didn't have... So we ordered them.. I didn't pay for them yet just in case they are still wrong but they are 20 bucks more... uhhh.... So the car will not be up and running today . Hubby will be on his own to finish up the job tomorrow. I am fearful that something will go wrong. I just wish I had the time and money and energy to take care of everything myself. Everyone I called to see if they could help us, everyone is unreliable. Than again I hate having to have anyone to rely on so they know that it is pointless to even bother... Oh well my personality is just such and won't change. I got to to it or it won't get done. I am just pissed that it is taking so much time and money to get this done. Granted $200 is much less than the $500+ it would cost for someone else to do the work. I can do it all myself, I just need the right parts. We are going on an incling that the parts guy had about the right parts. I just hope that it is right. Well for now I have so much work to do. I have moving and cleaning and other crazy shinanigans to do before my daugher wakes up. But I will be moving furniture right next to her crib so I don't think she is going to sleep very long. Wish me luck!

$300 in one day!

Uhh, So I spent 100, for hubby to see a doctor and get a perscription and $200 on parts to fix our car. We are doing it ourselves, it saves us alot of money which is great but seriously.... I think its a matter of just getting it done. I love cars so it doesn't bother me to do. I just hated today cause I was away from my daughter all day! between doc in the morning and than the car the whole afternoon, I also soo wanted to sleep in and I couldn't... its been a rough day.. Off to bed I go.

Oh also, today food wise sucked butt! I had yogurt for breakfast, than starbucks hot coco with a cinimon roll nothing till 4:30 when I had wendy's my stomach is killing me and I feel like shit! oh well I will be cooking tomorrow so it will be a better day..

nighty night all

Yesterday

So yesterday was just one of those days, Thank you for caring, it means a lot to know I'm not alone. It all went ok, I got everything I had to get done done, and everything extra will have to get done another day. I freak out when my plans go aray. It is a bad quality that I am developing. I am turning into my mother, although I am able to control my freak outs, my mother loses all control when one tiny thing doesn't go right. So despite my freak out yesterday I controled any eating with water, I had so much water yesterday it was crazy. most of it was while I was at work, but I did not over eat at all.

breakfast I had a buttered roll(not the best choice but I was late and it was on the go 350 cal),
I had my tea with sugar which is 14 cal
my E-mergen-C which is 25 cal
I had a piece of chicken and the rest of the carrots from the night before (350 cal)
than I suck in 2 raviolies (150cal I estimated up)
I also had chamomile tea with sugar (14cal)
dinner which I will say was about 500 cal(over estimating just in case)
I also had hot coco (150 cal)
for a total of: 1553 so lets call it a day at 1600!

So not too bad! I know I am estimating up which is fine, but I want to get back down to eating 1200-1300 cal, I know while bf that might not be the best but I feel bloated when I eat 1500 or more cal. at 1200 cal I feel great! I have to tweak what I am having portion wise to keep it under 1500 and as close to 1200 as I can.

I am going for a walk tonight with my neighbor! ha! I committed to it! although I will be having Chinese food for dinner... I will have broccoli with shrimp today, and white rice. Shrimp cause it has been 3 days in a row that I have been making chicken for dinner in some form or another.

Now I have still many tasks to accomplish check out my blog on what I am up to.

interuption.... of your normally scheduled post

So my post was supposed to be a continuation of yesterday but I have to interrupt my scheduled broadcast for crazy shit:

car is a mess, so now me and hubby are play'n around with hours to see what we can do with work, and to see if we can have someone fix the car for us so that its only parts and not labor. I can not get in touch with my mechanic... I am very upset about this, it is almost as if he is out of business! My mechanic has been the only one to work on all of my cars I have trusted him fully and have never had a problem with anything he has ever told me! I am really shaking trusting someone else. We have two options, either a friend or hubby's uncle... I trust his uncle but I still feel unsure that he might just do it quickly to just get it done and call it a day... that scares me, what if they aren't really caring enough to do the right thing. These are breaks we are talkn about.

And if we don't get this straightened out quickly and cheaply its soo going to mess up our Xmas! Hubby keeps on telling me that I am freaking out but I have every right to be freaking out at this point! We have no money in the account till tomorrow, and if the money doesn't get in by a certain time than it will not clear for the next day and if it doesn't clear for the next day our bills will put us in the neg. Now, that's a 35$ charge! uhhh I hate banks. Not only that we have black Friday shopping planned and unless everything goes right there will be no cash for black Friday, uhhh, we planned out all our Xmas shopping around the black Friday deals. and not only that we have to pay $600 to our car in the first week of Dec, which we might not have money for! Like hubby keeps on telling me that we will have the money cause we have 5 paychecks that come in before our car insurance is due but I have this sick to my stomach feeling that we will not make it!

I am funny when it comes to money its more of a gut feeling for me, hell most my life is about gut feelings and let me tell you this one is bad. I don't want to be put into a hole, I don't want to sit with no money not even for a day. This can all go away and we might be just fine and I could be freaking out over nothing. Yet I feel that ..... wait, what if something happened to my mechanic, what if he is hurt or sick or something? maybe that is what is bothering me... We have been trying to get in touch with him for 2 weeks with no answer now the phones are dead... I hope everything is ok.

Well I have to get home now, uhhh everything is all over the place today, I have to prep dinner and put it in the oven before we leave, which means I have to start dinner at 5, I have to do laundry and determine if the munchkin has to take a nap, if so that would make life easier, if not than its going to be a long afternoon.

god help me! I have way too much to do with less time at this point. Instead of having 3-630 today I have from 3-5... great... oh well, I have to try and calm my nerves down... I'm not flipping out but my nerves are all uptight and it is hurting my back...

Punk

I was reading a few blogs today and wanted to talk about sometime, well two things that are present in my life right now, First off how I have a wonderful my life and how I have passion and love to fill it.

Most people do not know much about me on here, Yes I am a happy loving mommy and wife, but thats not all. I am your typical punk girl. Don't give a flyn f about life, just go with it. Heavy death metal music blasting in the car. Hoodies with skulls, black from head to toe. Dyed hair. Colored hair extensions, bracelets covering the arms. Hell I have had the I don't care attitude for as long as I can remember. Best part is I have always loved me for it. I have loved the way I looked, dressed and acted. People in high school were scared of me. Freshman year I used to pick on the seniors, yes at 5'1 I picked on 6' seniors. I had guys eating out of my hands, prissy girls avoided me. Everyone knew my name and everyone respected me either cause they knew me and loved me or didn't know me and feared me.

Now, despite my outward image, underneath my black cloths I always sported a brightly colored tank top or something of the sorts. I was odd to say the least, but I always did it with style. I could dress up whenever I wanted to but never for school. On my graduation day when people saw me in all white and in a skirt they all stopped and stared. It was unthinkable. I always mention on here about my cloths, expensive and fashionable. Well let me tell you I have always been like that. I have always loved good cloths and most my cloths are from when I was wearing baggy ripped jeans.

My passion to be different and unique took more than just cloths, my personality emulates it and so does my actions. I strive to be different to take a different path, not to conform to what the next person is doing. I want nothing to do with what is popular. I am usually the first person to do things and last to care what someone else is doing.

But now that is my passion being different. Do I work at, not really it just kind of happens. I have just always been different, I had a very unconventional upbringing. I have unconventional friendships. My life is not what a typical person would want or strive for. I love doing different things and having that feeling of WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!!!!

My life is all about passion and difference. I strive to accomplish something unimaginable. I have lived like this for years. I have had many people tell me I am crazy for all that I do. And even though now that I have a daughter I have calmed my antics down I still am one to make people stop and stare. Even the bad comes with all of my crazy ways, I have many back neck and shoulder problems due to work and sports injuries

But, I love my life, I love that I am 23 years old and have a daughter. That I am young enough to play and be crazy with her. To just up and go and not worry about all the little things that "parents" drive themselves crazy over. I am just a roll with the punches kind of girl! As long as me and my daughter have diapers and wipes we are good to go! We have loads of fun in this crazy fly by the seat of your pants kind of world! Never needed a first aid kit or a change of cloths while we are out. Never needed 101 other things to take care of her. She has me and I have her, thats about all it is.

As for hubby and me its all the same too! we are just up and go kind of people. We love to spend our time doing whatever it is our little heart desires. Many days it might just be sitting around doing nothing, other days we might go on an adventure and get lost somewhere, with our daughter in toe! We are all we need, a little rough around the edges and full of passion and good times. We are both young and I swear we get bad looks every where we go. I love it though, No one expects us to be parents, no one expects that we are in a loving and committed relationship (seeing how we are not actually married just engaged).

Hubby is just as messed up as I am. Which I love cause I can share my crazy antics with him. One day me and hubby went to 10 different stores looking for cotton candy lip gloss, well we didn't find any but I bought about 50 bucks worth of lip gloss that day. Best part was me and hubby both tried every single flavor! Oh god was that a fun day!

Life is amazing for the two of us. Yes I go crazy every day that I do not have our own place to call home, but we are comfortable here and we both love our lives very much. I am very unorthodox from the way I grew up. Many people see me still as a freak or just a complete loony. And that makes me happy. I love the fact that I am at an age where noone even knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives, and although becoming a parent at 22 was unplanned a parent at 24 was planned. So I wasn't too far off course. I also know for the most part what I want to do with the rest of my life. Do I know how it will pan out? HELL NO, But I have an outline of what and I have already started years ago on that outline and every day it fills my heart with joy that I have accomplished many things in my life that make me happy.

I can wake up every day and say I love my life, I am happy with where I am and how my future looks. I know that not having money is never a good thing, but I am tight about money because I never want to be broke not because we do not have money. Hell we have more money than we know what to do with, only problem we are not paying any rent... So its extra money only for the time being. I know that life takes time and I am willing to wait. I do not care not to have much money through my entire life, I would actually rather struggle with money than to have too much. I would rather live in a little apartment my whole life than have a 10 room mansion...

I love the way I am all messed up in the head and can believe myself that I can do what and how I want because I am different and love the fact that what I do has no correlation to anyone else or any one other thing... I am truly a punk in the real sense of . the word: the defiance of social norms of behavior...

well I leave you with the though that I am different, I am passionate about being different and I love my life of different...

ACT don't react

144, still, well actually my scale this morning said 139.5, but I can not believe that number for one second. Although I would love to know that I am 139.5! It would put me on par to where I want to be for my Nov mini goal of 140! Ok, well lets see my goal was for Nov 27th, Anyone think I can lose 4lbs in less than 2 weeks? Maybe if I work hard I actually can!

"A life of reaction is a life of slavery, intellectually and spiritually.
One must fight for a life of action, not reaction."

Ok, so this makes me go a little crazy inside. I feel like i have been on the path of reaction when it comes to my weight loss efforts and it is starting to get to me!

Case and point:
My mom bought my munchkin a hat from the circus but it came with cotton candy... last night I ate cotton candy. BAD BAD BAD!!!

But seriously I am having a reacting nature to everything. My daughter didn't finish something so I will eat it. BAD BAD BAD! I ate prob 250 Cal yesterday because of my reactions!

Another fatal reaction that I had was, I told myself I couldn't go for a walk cause my daughter needed to nap... WELL HELLO.. she could nap in the stroller while I walk! I must be losing my mind! I am going for a walk today, no matter what!

I must stop reacting and start acting! I want to meet my Nov goal! I have 4lbs to go and even if I say Dec 1, that is 2 weeks away! I can do this! I know I can, NO MORE REACTIONS! NO MORE EXCUSES! I am sick of being 144! I am sick of looking at the scale every week and seeing the same thing! Today when I saw the numbers 139.5, I kind of got excited, I really wanted to belive it. I couldn't help knowing that if I have been making the right choices I would be there already!

I also have to get my butt on here more, I have to blogg/logg everything I am doing. I have been a major slacker! I am not going to do that any more, just cause I fit into my cloths now doesn't mean I am where I ultimately want to be. I'm getting to comfortable! I need a structure to keep me in line! I have 9 more lbs to lose thats it! Its not a monster its not such an arduous task. (ok how come I can spell arduous right the first time but can't spell ultimately right??) I can make better choices

such as:
Go for a walk more than once a week!
throw out that cotton candy when I get home
DO NOT SNACK!!!!
Don't fall pray to my daughter's left overs
calcount.com people! uhhh so frustrating!
Drink more water( I have been doing great but some days I completely slack )
Take my vitamins!!! (I'm runnin low on e-mergen-c so I have been slacking on my calcium and b vitamins- Without them I know I can't function GET WITH IT CHUPSIE!!!!)
Work out! 3 times a week(Hubby is getting me EA Active 2, It has 30 new workouts added! we aren't going to get it till this weekend but it should be a motivator.)

I know I have been telling myself for weeks to work out, and every time I don't work out I make no progress! I have to do 4 workouts a week, either workout or go for a walk, Something! I mean even if its walking 4 days a week I have no problem with that. I would love to be outside, just thinking or not thinking at all, its peaceful and I know my daughter loves it too. Well anyway today I will be going for a walk and enjoying my walk! I will try to make it over an hour. Hubby is sick again, so being out of the house would be great for me and the munchkin....

I have a plan of action I will be acting today! tada! yea, maybe not that kind of acting but I will be active in what I do today, I will take a nice long walk, I will take extra care to log my cal and to steer clear of extras!

WISH ME LUCK! I SURE NEED IT!

Ol' Ye Faitful

So, my current camera is almost 6 years old. Its a dinosaur in regards to technology it is a 5mega pixel camera. It has been my faithful friend forever! I have carried it in my purse for the past 5 years it has traveled the world. I have not yet come to terms with the fact that I will be getting a new camera. I have put it off for the past 2 years. I have bought digital camera's for presents but I have avoided parting with my camera for so long. Now I have the option of two different cameras, The Nikon or the upgrade of my current camera the Canon power shot 1200. Both are 10 Mega Pixels, 12 seems like a little too much.

So this morning me and hubby ventured to best buy to check out both cameras... Well apparently they don't carry the 10 mega pixel Nikon any more( or maybe they will have them on black friday), Otherwise it makes my choice easier I will be getting the upgrade of the Camera I currently have. It will be easier to accustom myself to it seeing how all the features and buttons are the same.

I still have this nagging feeling that says to stick with my current camera. It is all beat up has a scratched display. And has a delay when it takes pictures but I love it way too much.

Uh I am in such debate about a new camera! I feel like I would be abandoning a best friend. Uh, I got to get over it... I need a new camera..

Anyway on other news I got a new watch and a new ring as my xmas present, We bought the cutest princess cut necklace for the princess too! I absolutely love it. But I do have to say that having diamonds are a lot of work! They have to go back to zales for inspection and cleaning ever 6 months! that means we have to go to zales 4 times a year! Thats annoying! But, I am happy that we got our little princess a precious gift that will last her a lifetime and has a lifetime warranty.

Today was a long day, I did many things. I am very proud of myself to have done everything and I think now its time for sleep. Nighty night people

Where I stand

Actually, I have no idea where I stand.

I am all over the place at the moment. I am trying to work out but I never get around to it, I have been great to eat what I want how I want and I have maintained this for a few weeks now. But I am not satisfied with where I stand. I am still 144, I am a size

8 and even though I am super happy to be back to my prepreg size I want more! I want to lose the last 10lbs! Or at least tone up and work out every day or so. I want to be in shape. My stomach is killing me, Prob from this girdle I'm wearing. I am tired and super stressed. I know working out will help me relax and help me stay focused. But I feel like I am driving myself up a wall. I want to be paperless, I want to maintain a clean house and cook clean and do everything else momminess! But I keep on pushing me away. I know this is very bad. I am almost avoiding the fact of these last 10lbs! I feel great that my cloths fit but I want them to fit better. I still have some that don't fit! Maybe I should pull them out and put them in

my closet so I can see them every day.

Uh I don't feel like doing all that work now. I want to finish what I started with this paperless buisness, its all I talk about lately I know its getting annoying but....

Thats all I have left is that envelope! And its just pay stubs and deposit receipts from the bank! Which I am not scanning! I will wait till next year to start a new year fresh. I will scan the last one of 09 for tax purposes and call it a day.

I finished up most of my school paperwork, I will actually finish it up tonight as soon as I am done. Than I have my writing to do, I might do it all tonight its still early and hubby is upstairs with the boys.... So I have the time.

I know I will feel so much better when I am 100% done, I wanted to work out tonight but my stomach started to hurt. Oh also I bought Chamomile tea so that it can help calm my nerves I have been a ball of stress lately. And worst is I hate taking it out on hubby. Its so upsetting. There is no need for both of us to be worked up for no reason. So, I am trying to make progress. I really am. I need to destress and I need to stay organized. I think what is stressing me is Monday,

on Monday I have my arbitration case for my accident. I have to do my nails and hair and be presentable, which I so don't feel like doing. But I shall! I am hoping that after that day I feel a little better. I want all of it to be over with. It isn't a big stress its just a bother. I also don't want to have to deal with this ever again.

Anyway that is what has been going on with me, I have been busy and distracted. I also have not had anything worth reading to post. Once I start with my writing I will post stuff so that you will all have something interesting to read.

Till tomorrow!

PS speaking of tomorrow I have decided I am getting a camera for xmas, We are going to buy it on black friday, so tomorrow we are going over to best buy to figure out which one I like better my upgraded canon power shot or a Nikon touch screen.... I can't decide, well more on that tomorrow... off to work I go!

Focus!

"Put your heart, mind, intellect, and soul even to your smallest acts. This is the secret of success."

I have to stay focused here. I have been all backwards these past few days. I must stay focused. Sorry for not being around but I am a busy lady lately. I will be around more next week!

I found this article... Its about wives and their secrets that we have. I thought it was super cute and wanted to share. So here you have it: 11 Don't Tell the Husband Secrets

So now that that is out of the way, today I wanted to post a song first.

"One of God's Better People"

You're one of God's better people
And you don't know
That's why you're special
And I cry so I can talk like this
From my downbeat existence
And I know that you can make my wish
If my wish is pure

But I don't know
I just don't know
I don't know
Let me love you so
Now I can't live this without you
I'd die without you
Without you, without you

You're one of God's better people
And you don't know
That's why you're special
It must hurt to see your favorite man
Lose himself again and again
And I know that you're my only friend
From way back when

My wish was pure
It was oh so pure
It was pure
I couldn't love you more
Now I can't live this without you
I'd die without you
Without you
Now I can't live this without you
I'd die without you
Without you, without you

'cos I don't know no more
I just don't know no more
I just don't know
Let me love you so
Now I can't live this without you
I'd die without you
Without you
Now I can't live this without you
I'd die without you
Without you, without you

You're one of God's better people
And you don't know
That's why you're special

So, Besides Robbie Williams being amazing. I love this song, I really do it is so emotionally set in a relationship that is beyond words. Love that is beyond words. I just wanted to dedicate it to my hubby. I was going through some stuff from when we first started dating. And although our relationship is so different from what it was. I feel that every day that goes by I love him more and can live without him less. And I do have to say that hubba hubba hubby is special and loving and caring, he really is someone in life you look at and say they are an amazing person. Yet he tries sooo hard to be Mr. Attitude, Mr. Mean, Mr. I don't care. Yet, in all of that you can see that he is Mr. sympathetic, Mr. nice guy, and Mr. I care too much... So I just wanted to say that I love my hubby with all my heart, I am happy that we have each other and I need him very much to live. I tell myself that I could do things on my own but I think I would die without him.